Love is hidden in conversations, meetings and situations.
Just a few examples.
How we think and what we believe.
What we want and crave.
What makes our heart beat or just that we want to listen to some music and sit in silence.
Because when we think and see it like it is connected to male or female, we are missing out on a lot.
On what love truly is about.
What it has in store for us and how we can live a life full of love.
Don’t we all just want that?
It was something that he mentioned.
That opened my ears.
He said that he could predict who we were going to get married to.
I was intrigued, perhaps just a little interested.
To keep that distance.
For me to find my own answer.
Not getting influenced by his words.
Being safe in my own time and space.
And so I listened.
To what he had to say about that.
I was going through my stories and was reading :
‘What is the meaning of being Single?’
To me it is a moment where you are complete.
Satisfied with your own being.
Not considered with outside influences.
Not going beyond your feelings, perhaps even thoughts.
However, even if it isn’t like that.
It doesn’t matter.
Then there is still something to be learning.
It is that I returned to Lisbon and had talks about dating.
I am somewhere in between.
I don’t know if you can call it being stuck.
Perhaps preparing for something that is coming.
At least it feels like it is near to me.
It is that I saw a lot of content about an American couple.
I thought at first it was about the reaction of the guy.
Because I only saw what he was saying, when the girl was sometimes ‘pushing his buttons’.
I can’t really call this person a celebrity.
However he has a lot of followers on Social Media.
A journey he started, according to himself.
Just telling here his own words.
‘That intense journey started when I posted a lot about my life’.
I don’t really know how it went further.
He didn’t really say so much about it.
But it weren’t these words that made me notice him.
It was a post that he got married.
I don’t know if it was the change of the weather, as it was raining a lot for a few days.
I was feeling somewhat depressed.
Perhaps it was this weather reflecting my mood.
Or just my own senses that were going underneath the surface to keep me dry from the rain.
The last 6 months there have been many changes and my birthday is coming up in a few months.
I will be 39.
Another year on the horizon and also time to close some chapters.
Perhaps I am just tired from all the things I have been experiencing.
Not able to pause and unwind.
Although I know it was for my own good, to grow and become.
The tiredness was a way my body made me notice, to keep me on track.
To prepare for something I am feeling intuitively.
I don’t know if it is that I am getting comfortable with my age, however it is something that I am not identifying with.
Age, numbers, how it is we should behave.
I don’t know if this makes me look younger than I am.
I do have to say that I am young at heart, the same as my mind.
But it is the outside that counts, what it is that people perceive.
As that is the world that I have come to know. To be judged on the outside, so to speak.
Age has come to be in that box, of how we should be.
Distance creates attraction, is something I was thinking for some time.
It was that I took my distance for a while.
Mainly from people.
It wasn’t something that I was doing on purpose, but it just happened to be like that.
I went back to the Netherlands, leaving behind Lisbon how I knew it, due to circumstances.
I believe it was a process that happened automatically.
It was that I was in the Netherlands, seeing people literally from a distance.
The space between where I was in the past and the difference with the present was giving me time to have a look.
I believe it was a few months ago that I had no interest in looking at men.
Not that I was interested in women or wanting to explore that side.
It was just that I wasn’t looking at all.
It felt I needed to be in that place to see things in introspect and investigate something deeper to understand myself better.
I knew it had a purpose.
More about this in my story : ‘As long as you smile and not make big mistakes, all will be fine’.
That said, I believe I am coming out of a shell.