In my last story I am writing about a girl that was giving me a smile.
However it wasn’t anything love related.
It wasn’t anything sexual, to see what my orientation was.
I know, because I could see by the look on her face.
And I did have that experience of where I was being checked out.
By other females.
I think it had to do with how I looked at that time.
I had very very short hair and perhaps I even had a bit of a boyish fashion style.
But immediately the women or girls that were trying to find out about me, by the way they were looking at me, they would look away.
Almost giving a ugly face.
Not to say I am, just for their minds to confirm I wasn’t that what they thought I was.
However I never was, in the first place.
But it was just the outside that showed.
A deeper look would make them turn away.
I don’t know if I was happy about that.
The thing is, somehow it was a shortcut in finding that identity there.
In my sexuality.
Because it is giving a vibe, that I am not that.
With everything that was happening.
Starting of course with myself.
How I looked, with the short hair, perhaps even with the clothes that I was wearing.
The meeting of eyes and after that the understanding that beneath all that I was a female, with the sexual orientation of being not gay.
I wanted to say ‘straight’, but that is not something I can immediately say with whatever happened.
It is just that I wasn’t what they thought I was.
By looking away, perhaps giving that ‘ugly face’ for their own consciousness, it was giving me time and space to figure out the rest.
The way this story presented itself is that at the moment I am having a bit of a hard time going back in the game of love.
Not to make it bigger than it is.
I am talking about it a little flirting or small conversations.
Love is not always connected to gender and we can even get our heart broken because of something that is not connected with love the way we think.
Perhaps it is just that I walk this kind of path. That journey of love.
That I have come to realize that.
We have come to a place where love has a specific meaning.
With all the experiences I have had and some I had written about.
It is that I have come to know that love in its essence doesn’t connect this with male and female as such.
People do that, perhaps even the society as we have come to know.
I hope this makes sense.
I mean.
Love is just love.
Perhaps it is a lack of love identification.
That we don’t know what that actually means.
And because of that we, as a society, just gave it a name in this way.
Not to blame anyone in particular or making it a problem.
If you are asking me if I am going to be a part of the solution or the problem.
I am going to say that I am going to be the whole solution.
However, it could also be that it is just the fear of being loved.
Although said in present, it is a block of the future.
Because we don’t dare to go forward, due to this fear, of being afraid of getting hurt.
Again.
And that is just something to think about.
Leaving it here for what it is.
It is that I had these thoughts of not wanting to go back in the game of love. As simple as not being in the mood of having small conversations and a little look to flirt a bit.
Whatever that truly means.
I was feeling this way to a situation I had.
Sometimes we meet someone and we think we are hitting it off well.
In this specific situation it was actually not even love related.
However for some reason it did have an impact on my heart.
I am still a bit in the process of processing.
I was meeting someone for some time.
You could even say it was in a friendly way.
Drinks, dinner, a party here and there.
And I was even sharing some vulnerabilities.
I can’t speak for the other person, but to me it felt that way.
Then we didn’t speak for a little while.
Due to schedules not meeting and perhaps even other reasons.
But when that was gone and there was an opening to meet again.
I send a message and asked if this person had plans already or had time to meet.
Something I sort of always do already.
Not just in this specific situation.
The answer I received was that the other person already made plans, when I had asked to see each other.
It could even be an easy way out, to just confirm something I was asking.
I mean, there are always different sides and perspectives.
As innocent as this sounds and perhaps in a world where people are just that, it just didn’t feel right to me.
Of course I knew there was this chance that this could happen.
Especially when you haven’t seen someone for a while, it is normal to check if there is time and space to see each other.
That is also why I asked it in this way and what I did.
Not for me to point it out someone was at fault and yes sometimes we do make plans.
However it was the lack of action afterwards that made my heart tremble and feel weak.
A sign that we weren’t on the same terms.
Perhaps something I already knew subsciously.
However when it happens, in real life, I guess it is a bit painful.
Because when you never get something back.
To get asked to meet again.
It is leaving a mark on the heart.
It also showed how far I was already in my own journey of love.
That I was strong enough to not ask again to meet.
Giving off a vibe that I wasn’t allowing this kind of behaviour.
Just for myself.
I believe this is very welcome, when it comes to love.
Love should be equal, at least what I think.
Because when you are not on the same page or not on the same level, it also takes a lot of mental energy.
Thinking about what the other person is doing and where it is going.
It could even be subsciously draining.
At least my perspective.
Causing perhaps even fears and rejections in different ways.
Only due to this reason.
Of not being on the same level.
So I guess, I am just grateful for this experience.
With the lack of action from this person to ask to meet me again.
It is the awareness that the other person had different expectations.
Let me put it like that.
It is giving way for a gentle departure of this person from my life.
Hopefully also a step in the right direction to a person that is closer to my own standards.
For me to slowly open my heart, for something that is better.
As beautiful as I made it to that place and can start that next chapter in my love journey.
The importance of this story is to know that love isn’t connected to gender as such.
That we can only get love from a person.
In specific.
There is really much more to it.
Love is hidden in conversations, meetings and situations.
Just a few examples.
How we think and what we believe.
What we want and crave.
What makes our heart beat or just that we want to listen to some music and sit in silence.
Because when we think and see it like it is connected to male or female, we are missing out on a lot.
On what love truly is about.
What it has in store for us and how we can live a life full of love.
Don’t we all just want that?