The Love Journey of Lakshmi
I thought it was about a guy that I shared the bed with and left me in tears.
Something along those lines.
However, that never happened to me.
Perhaps even for good reasons.
But I guess it would be just an example of a love experience that we know.
Where I’d like to find out if there are other forms of love experiences out there.
Taking away that fear and making me want to go further.
Believing in the positivity that is out there and finding what I need to.
Where I am longing for more.
It was just a feeling I felt.
Perhaps even that stuck on me for this long.
A disappointment that we can have that kind of relationship.
Entertain it while it lasts and then when looking back feeling this disappointment.
I mean, we can have a relationship and end it for the reasons why.
They can be good or not.
We can hesitate before breaking up, even second guessing if we should do it all.
At least something I did, when having these relationships where I was feeling this disappointment long after.
I am talking about years and years.
Which I hope explains how deep this feeling must have been.
I mean we can come together, entertain what happens and have those love experiences, to make it worthwhile for ourselves.
All those feelings are real and we can find our answers that bring us further.
That we understand we are relationship material.
Whatever that truly means.
What I want to say is that these relationships I have had weren’t matching how I am, as a person.
And so I was feeling disappointed about those kinds of relationships.
Was it a relationship in the first place? Is something that is coming up now.
Or just something I believed it was?
To give it a frame?
Because we can do those things that are part of what we believe is a relationship.
However, does that make it a relationship?
The starting point of all of this is, with advice one of these women was seeking.
I don’t know anymore if it was for herself, that she was on the go to find her answer why this happened to her.
Or to get a clearer view on how to help these kinds of women.
She went to a guy that was giving spiritual advice.
He was wearing a mask.
I thought it was odd, but when it comes to spirituality it is supposed to be like that.
To prevent people thinking it is a person who is saying it and the words come from them directly.
A way to make sure that message comes across, to not lose its power and have it spread as it should.
From this spiritual entity.
Some guy wearing a mask.
He answered fast, like he forgot to breathe or something.
It made me aware of those words to keep them stored where they should.
When this woman asked what this advice would be for those women out there.
He said : ‘Keep your legs closed’.
His words were cut short and they felt sharp.
It could make you angry if you didn’t understand it was spiritual.
It was those words that stayed with me, throughout my journey ever since I heard them.
So that is what I did.
To find back what was mine.
Even though sometimes not knowing what that was.
The same thing as what I am doing now.
In providing this answer of who it is I am.
It is the world inside ourselves that gives this stability.
Even when we are not aware.
But it doesn’t matter.
The only thing that matters is that you love yourself.
To say there are different ways to make this inner reality come to the surface, to make this quantum leap, forward movement for ourselves to progress.
We need to heal, let go and lose that weight. To find those perspectives that will make us move fast forward. Not because we want that, but because that is necessary for us to live.
It brings me back to those stories I was writing about a boy that was staring deep in my eyes and I didn’t want to take that leap with him.
You can read them on my website : thelovejourneyoflakshmi.com
It makes me question.
Is love to take a leap of faith or a quantum leap?
My vision when it comes to men is dark as days and I will tell you why.
They told me lies for their own sake.
Put blame on my shoulder, to avoid taking their responsibility.
Named me names and spread them for people to hear someone I wasn’t.
Went behind my back with another girl or tried to be with me while they were already involved.
Used me as a shield for their own protection.
Making me feel worthless by the words they used.
Touched me at places without my consent.
Walked away with my pride, to tell other people how great they were.
Then smiled at me, like nothing ever happened.
One punched me in the face, but I have to say he was gay.
The other thought it was ok to harass me, because he didn’t get his way.
This encounter I had with him explains that we can grow as a person by not just following any river.
Rather to cry one and keep it close to our own.
Walking that path where we can see in the dark, rather than taking that leap, without understanding.
It is this sadness that could turn into something positive.
Where this death of what is not able to live, would find its place outside of myself.
For me to be open for this kind of love to happen one day.
To say, to live a life, it is important to have.
A source to live from, to feel good about ourselves. To know we will make it one day rely on the fact that we can bounce back and overcome those hurdles of life that are sometimes a pain in the ass.
‘Let me be your lover’, was appropriate to think.
And I felt it.
So, then I didn’t understand that at one point he came in with her.
His wife now and mother of his child.
I don’t know if he will have more with her.
But ok, I didn’t speak to him for a few months when they came in together.
I understand things can happen.
However, I was surprised.
Nonetheless.
However, the side note I want to make.
The older we get, the more experienced we are getting.
The more experiences we are having.
The good and ugly ones.
The ones we like to forget and perhaps hold some shame around.
But the truth is, with experience comes a package.
Something we can call age even.
Perhaps that is the reason why.
Why we are not able to find love at an older age.