Richness in its essence, it is to understand the value of things.
Money is just a part of that.
Not the end and not the beginning.
Not an importance to live by or a way of identifying yourself with.
Because to me that is poor.
But who I am?
I am just Lakshmi
It was something that he mentioned.
That opened my ears.
He said that he could predict who we were going to get married to.
I was intrigued, perhaps just a little interested.
To keep that distance.
For me to find my own answer.
Not getting influenced by his words.
Being safe in my own time and space.
And so I listened.
To what he had to say about that.
I am somewhere in between.
I don’t know if you can call it being stuck.
Perhaps preparing for something that is coming.
At least it feels like it is near to me.
It is that I saw a lot of content about an American couple.
I thought at first it was about the reaction of the guy.
Because I only saw what he was saying, when the girl was sometimes ‘pushing his buttons’.
I don’t know if it was the change of the weather, as it was raining a lot for a few days.
I was feeling somewhat depressed.
Perhaps it was this weather reflecting my mood.
Or just my own senses that were going underneath the surface to keep me dry from the rain.
The last 6 months there have been many changes and my birthday is coming up in a few months.
I will be 39.
Another year on the horizon and also time to close some chapters.
Perhaps I am just tired from all the things I have been experiencing.
Not able to pause and unwind.
Although I know it was for my own good, to grow and become.
The tiredness was a way my body made me notice, to keep me on track.
To prepare for something I am feeling intuitively.
Distance creates attraction, is something I was thinking for some time.
It was that I took my distance for a while.
Mainly from people.
It wasn’t something that I was doing on purpose, but it just happened to be like that.
I went back to the Netherlands, leaving behind Lisbon how I knew it, due to circumstances.
I believe it was a process that happened automatically.
It was that I was in the Netherlands, seeing people literally from a distance.
The space between where I was in the past and the difference with the present was giving me time to have a look.
I believe it was a few months ago that I had no interest in looking at men.
Not that I was interested in women or wanting to explore that side.
It was just that I wasn’t looking at all.
It felt I needed to be in that place to see things in introspect and investigate something deeper to understand myself better.
I knew it had a purpose.
More about this in my story : ‘As long as you smile and not make big mistakes, all will be fine’.
That said, I believe I am coming out of a shell.
I was going through my own pictures on my phone and saw some video’s I once made.
One was when I was celebrating my 37th birthday.
A little game I played, with people I once knew.
It was actually a drinking game, where questions were asked and then we had to drink at some point.
I don’t really know how it was played, since we decided to just answer the questions.
We had to laugh a lot about it. About the answers.
But it wasn’t much about the questions, answers or the celebration of my birthday.
It was about something that I heard, when watching another video.
I don’t really know what it started.
That I was having these thoughts.
For a second it felt like I was having feelings.
For this other person.
But when I felt deeper, they weren’t there.
I don’t know if that was a good thing.
However I was glad I didn’t have any feelings for this person.
Perhaps I had these thoughts just to make sure I was looking deeper.
To rule out that there was something that could lead to something.
It was something that was said to me today.
Something that I was feeling for some time I wanted to write about.
I was teaching a yoga class and one of the girls came to me afterwards.
She said, ‘I don’t know of the women actually understand of what you were saying and if the class is effective to them’.
The women I am teaching are refugees and they don’t fully comprehend the language I am speaking.
So I answered her question.
I told her that yoga is not about the language that we speak, or that we need to hear all the words to understand the meaning.
There is a story I wrote, where I questioned if my father loved my mother.
Of course this doesn’t come out of nowhere, but it has been something I have been thinking about lately.
Perhaps because it was father’s day.
I was thinking about this boy that I have been meeting.
Where I didn’t feel even a single feeling.