It is where I go into deep.
In my thoughts, my feelings and things I see, experience and everything else.
This is where I can find the things for me to understand about love.
Writing is a way to heal. To leave behind what isn’t necessary.
But moreover it is also for you to understand what all is there.
When it comes to love.
The core of my love journey is where I take you with me.
Into deep in my thoughts and feelings.
For the simple fact I can find these places in myself and I am happy to take you there.
I am not afraid to show you.
It is not a hidden place, but my writing is a way to make it come to the surface.
It is something sensitive and private.
Perhaps spiritual to make that way down in myself and come back with this preciousness.
Because my love journey is that to me.
But most of all it is who I am.
Every single story, sentence and word.
All is true and vulnerable in its essence.
And by saying this.
I finally made it.
I made it complete.
Because I have to say, it was really really hard for me to express this.
I think I was a little bit afraid there.
What you were thinking about it.
That I was a fool or perhaps a bit crazy.
But I am not that.
I am just full of love.
Because the privilege of life is just this.
To eat your cake and having it too.
I was watching ‘The Crown’.
There were new episodes and it was being promoted on social media for people to watch.
I am not going to name the broadcaster of that show, as I think we all know who that is.
I had ended or paused my account for some time.
I wasn’t watching anything at that moment and to me the options there were then, were too limited.
A cut in my expenses.
Not necessary, but just that it wasn’t worth paying for.
For the simple fact, I wasn’t watching anything.
Why pay for something I am not using?
I was going through my stories and was reading :
‘What is the meaning of being Single?’
To me it is a moment where you are complete.
Satisfied with your own being.
Not considered with outside influences.
Not going beyond your feelings, perhaps even thoughts.
However, even if it isn’t like that.
It doesn’t matter.
Then there is still something to be learning.
It is that I returned to Lisbon and had talks about dating.
I can’t really call this person a celebrity.
However he has a lot of followers on Social Media.
A journey he started, according to himself.
Just telling here his own words.
‘That intense journey started when I posted a lot about my life’.
I don’t really know how it went further.
He didn’t really say so much about it.
But it weren’t these words that made me notice him.
It was a post that he got married.
Many things are going on.
Mainly in myself.
Big things that are happening.
And I am starting to understand it is getting time.
Finally not running out of it anymore.
Just saying this to myself.
It was that when I was in that place where I was feeling that I wasn’t fitting in.
Watching my surroundings.
Something I was writing in my story ‘the box of love’.
A start of finding that place I belong.
It was something that kept my mind occupied.
And that I couldn’t find the words on how to say or even express it.
So, this is what I normally do whenever something like this happens.
I just sit and let the words speak by themselves. Letting my fingers be the extension of what it is that wants to be said on paper.
That is the space the words would come out right.
But the most important thing for me to do, is not just to sit but find the time that there is nothing else.
No need to finish. No boundary of time.
Just me sitting in a space filled with only that.
There is a story I wrote, where I questioned if my father loved my mother.
Of course this doesn’t come out of nowhere, but it has been something I have been thinking about lately.
Perhaps because it was father’s day.
I was thinking about this boy that I have been meeting.
Where I didn’t feel even a single feeling.
There are some stories that I am reading.
About women, where they find a partner, that is already in a relationship with another woman.
I am always amazed, because I always read that every single woman in these stories are telling that ‘they shouldn’t be doing that’.
However they continue, because there are stories outthere where the man chooses to be with ‘the other woman’. And this is something they are holding on to.
It is long I have struggled with the relationship with my mother.
A connection never lost, since we were separated, when our ways parted in Mumbai, India.
However the connection got lost somehow.
Not necessarily to be found, but due to space, time and the way of living.
Not by circumstance.
It is the reconnection of her presence. To understand her passing.
To grieve a loss that is part of life.
We all loose someone that is dear to our heart at one point in our life.
But it makes me wonder, what it is that makes it special.
This reconnection with my mother.