What is my priority at this moment?
One of the last questions I ended my counseling session with, with my psychologist.
I said quickly : ‘My house and creative life’
‘But why is that?’ My psychologist said.
I was thinking about it and waited a little longer for an answer to show up.
Nothing came to the surface.
Silence was all there was.
I couldn’t really find any words.
And by that time, the counseling session started to come close to its ending.
There were just a few minutes left.
‘That is your homework for next week, then’, my psychologist said.
Filling in that silence.
And, so I am sitting here this Easter weekend.
With my little laptop in a deserted coffee place.
Normally it is full of crowds, but I believe because of the holidays it is a bit empty.
Lucky for me, now I can have a seat close to the window where I can enjoy some natural light.
Some days have passed since my last counseling session and the question of why this is so important, ‘my priority’, is still in my mind.
Stored there.
I hope I can find an answer while writing down the words.
But actually I am more curious why I couldn’t come up with an answer.
Apart from this ‘why’.
It could be connected somehow, I think.
I mean, it is important to know.
This ‘why’ is the foundation of my priority.
Not so much a start but to understand the why makes it solid and real to go further on.
It is clear to me.
But I want to go first a bit to that part in my counseling session, where I couldn’t give an answer.
That silence is important to know, also.
Silence is sometimes also an answer.
Even louder than the words spoken.
It can give clarity to perhaps something else that is unknown to me.
Apart from that ‘why of my priority’.
So lets go there.
Perhaps the setting that I am sitting in, can give some clues.
The clothes that I am wearing, the drink that I am drinking.
A way to enter to find answers to that question.
‘Why is that a priority?’
My house and creative life.
I believe the silence was an answer in itself.
During my counseling session.
Perhaps it wasn’t something to be said, but better to be written.
I think it is theoretical and something for me to process.
Good that I can write.
To make that happen.
And while writing this down, the sun starts to come out.
It has been raining all morning.
There was a storm for the last few days.
That is finally coming to an end now.
I am happy about that.
Don’t ask me why.
I feel a sort of ease coming over me.
My shoulders are moving a bit, to the music I am listening to.
I like to listen to synthwave and electronic music.
Sometimes techno, but more when I go out.
Also classical music I listen to.
I listen to it before going to sleep.
To relax my mind, so I fall asleep a bit easier.
Not that it is a problem to me, but my brain can sometimes become a bit active at night.
A sign that something is coming loose.
However at night time, it is not the right moment.
Then it is time to sleep.
To rest.
Among many things.
To process, recover and just to sleep.
Good to know.
I guess.
Intermezzos are always nice.
At least what I think.
So, knowing now why I couldn’t give an answer to that question in my counseling session, because it wasn’t something to be answered but to be written down.
I can continue to write down ‘Why my house and creative life are my priority?’.
Right now.
Why are those two my priority?
Just reframing the question here.
I hope I can write it down, the way I have it in my mind.
And otherwise, it would be something to talk about with my psychologist.
That is something I am going to do anyway.
So, lets start.
For me my house is my priority, not only at this moment, but in general.
The house I live in, is the representation of who I am as a person.
There is a poet named Hafiz, who has a saying :
“The words we speak become the house we live in.”
I searched what this meant.
The explanations that I found on google, which I selected randomly, to find different meanings.
The explanations I found said that the saying means that the words we speak are interconnected with our inside world and become the house we live in.
On different levels as well, emotionally and psychological.
That is the interconnectivity that is spoken about.
However, I don’t think that is what is meant by what the meaning of that is.
To me that didn’t completely sound correct.
But then again those are also not my words.
The irony.
I am being a bit negative here, to make room to what I like to say about it.
According to me this saying of Hafez means that when we say something, it is something we become.
The difference in explanation of what I believe is found in the word ‘become’.
In the explanations that I found on google by different sources they all say the same thing.
The word ‘become’ as a meaning that it is already there.
The only reality there is.
It is not an explanation for the word ‘become’ as future perspective, but as an existing reality.
On different levels. Emotional, psychological etc.
In my example I see the word ‘become’ in that sentence as a future perspective.
Which is not even something that even has to happen.
Since it is the future.
As an example, when we say that ‘we are stupid’, it could lead to becoming that.
It doesn’t mean that all those other levels are also met.
In my explanation it is not a guarantee for either being stupid of becoming stupid.
it isn’t a fast reality as such.
However that is how this saying : ‘The words we speak, become the house we live in’, is explained.
And I am saying it like this, because by acknowledging it like this, we can make the necessary changes, to where we can actually change that reality of who we are.
My interpretation of this saying of Hafez : ‘The words we speak, become the house we live in’ is that to change ourselves we need to change the way we speak.
The difficulty I find here is, we can only change those words that this poet Hafiz is referring to, when we notice that.
And to me that is sometimes a bit hard.
For the simple fact we are not always aware, or are not aware in general.
Another thing is that it can be too much work to find out, to say we will find it in the first place or be a point where we can get lost, finding that out.
What those words are to make these changes with ourselves,
In my understanding this is leading to not making these changes for changing ourselves.
Why this is important is not that important to mention.
It is just to make it clear that it is possible.
I know this can sound a bit contradictory.
First I deconstruct the meaning of what I found about the saying : ‘The words we speak, become the house we live in’.
Then I am saying that my interpretation is also not the right way to make those changes.
It is just a further deconstruction to where I would like to make my point of how I think it should be to make those changes for people to change themselves.
According to me this is the underlying meaning of this saying of Hafez.
To me the words : ‘the words that we are speaking become the house we are living in so to speak’, is the representation of our physical house.
That is connected with who we are from the inside.
This solves this problem of where to look in ourselves.
And passes by the problem to know which words we need to use to make that change.
We can just look at our external house. Our physical house.
To me that is the same difference.
To go further on that, the house we live in is not only bound to the words we speak, but more about the way we behave, act or think.
To make it easier and complete.
I hope this makes sense.
An example here is that we can take out the trash, or do the dishes, where before we didn’t do that.
To make it more concrete. We have a habit or tendency to leave the dishes for the next morning, for whatever reason, but you start doing the dishes right after you finish your meal.
Because you notice yourself that you leave the dishes to the next day.
This is a change in our reality this is connected with behavior in our physical house.
Because first it was something we didn’t do and then it changed into something we are doing.
The actions that we made are a representation of the change we are making in ourselves.
We can feel good or bad about it. Happy or sad.
Just as an example.
That inner reality is different for everyone.
I am saying it like this, so the changes are actually able to succeed and have a chance to change.
But you might think how this can help you change yourself?
Well, the fact that you are doing something will automatically leave the negativity you are experiencing at that moment. Because you are doing something, the mind will be occupied and it will save you time or where to look in yourself.
You can just let the words, thoughts, feelings and any other things that are coming up pass you by that are doing those things.
And slowly you are changing yourself.
The most important part is that it is a conscious choice.
If you don’t do it with a clear intention it will not work.
In other words, you need to notice it.
It is easier to notice this then the words you speak, since it is connected with something physical in the actual house you live in.
It also has to come from yourself, you can not tell anyone to do, act, behave differently.
That is an interference of that process.
And if you try to make someone else act or behave differently, you will get a ‘no’ for answer.
In the best scenario.
What I try to say is that the physical house you live in is who you are as a person.
The way to change yourself is not necessary to be made inside out, but can be made outside in.
This way it is something you can do at your home, in your own time and space.
Where these processes are safe to be able to complete the task.
This is just my interpretation of how I am preserving this.
Once we are changing our behavior or the way we act, it can lead to us changing to a different kind of person.
And therefore can lead to a different physical house.
A way to move forward in life.
That is the conclusion.
And while I am writing this down.
I feel the chills on my arms and on my back.
Sitting still in this coffee place.
Because when we are doing it like this.
Seeing the physical house as a representation of who we are.
Or even parts of that physical house.
We have a way to change ourselves in a positive way, where we can do the work and start taking responsibility for our actions.
A way of living, the house I am living in.
So why is my house my priority?
To answer that question I was left as my homework for my counseling session.
It is the essence of who I am as a person.
I am a priority.
At least according to myself.
Sounds like a great story.
The only thing I have left to explain is that I mentioned my creative life in the same sentence as my house.
Well, I think I can be short about that.
For once.
My creative life is my home.
To say, I am a creative person.
I mentioned it as two things apart, but they are not apart.
They are together.
I don’t see this as a mistake that I made, it was just a way of expression.
Luckily I have my love journal to make that clear and set straight.
And while writing it down in this way.
I believe I have created a platform for myself where I will meet my next lover soon.
That platform is myself.
Who I am.
My house.
The words I speak, the way I act and behave.
But first I need to process something else.
It was where I was on holiday a few weeks ago and I met a young boy.
I was sitting in the sun.
Not a particular place I was at.
There was this boy that came sitting next to me.
I think I was sitting for maybe half an hour there.
From the moment he was sitting down, I knew he was up to something.
Trying to get my number.
The least.
I mean, it is not something odd.
It happens all the time.
Every single day.
This particular day I was the lucky one that had it happen to me.
I am happy the sun was shining.
That day.
He sat there for a while.
‘Just minding his own business’.
At least 15 minutes he was sitting there, I think.
Or even a bit more.
I didn’t keep count.
I am not a loser.
Just something I was feeling.
That he was sitting there for about 15 minutes.
It could have been less or more.
He took his phone and pretended to look for some things.
Scrolling a bit down.
Checking his Instagram account.
I think his patience was running out, because he started to make his move towards me a bit after that.
I don’t really know anymore how he got my attention.
I think it was all a bit obvious, so I just looked.
To spare him a bit of time looking for words.
I mean, I know that feeling.
However, there is nothing happening in that particular moment.
We can skip it.
I think I was just kind to that situation.
Back to me sitting with this guy somewhere in the sun.
He showed me the map of Lisbon.
In the search button he typed : ‘The place to find your heart?’
I had to laugh.
Not that I was laughing at him, but it was his best shot he gave me.
Hitting on me, I mean.
By laughing, I laughed at this attempt of attention.
To me, this was all that it was.
In the meantime he was still looking at me, because I was only laughing.
And looking a bit up to the sky.
The time of laughing was just for me to come back to my senses.
So to speak.
Since it was a confirmation of what I thought that he was going to do.
Then I looked down and said to the phone : ‘I already have a boyfriend’.
I didn’t say it to his face, because I didn’t want it to make it personal.
Saying it to his phone was more appropriate to me, since that is also where he asked me that question.
Just returning him the favor.
Guess, that was the nicest thing I could do for him.
However he wasn’t satisfied with my answer.
He tried again his luck.
Little that he knew, he already lost it, with his first attempt.
But I think that he actually already lost it earlier than that.
I will come back to this a bit later.
Because although I didn’t say ‘no’ in a direct way.
He knew that he didn’t get the answer he was hoping for.
But that kind of hope gets lost, very easily.
I guess that’s just how it is.
However I think he already knew that I was going to say ‘no’.
Since he asked me after I rejected him with a clear hesitation : ‘we could still be creative’.
That was his choice of words.
‘be still creative’.
I have to admit, the choice of words, I didn’t expect from this guy.
I mean, the setting was that he was trying to get something from me.
Pretending to be serious, but he wasn’t that at all.
It was a bit dirty, I think.
Asking a stranger to have sex.
That is what it was.
That is what he was up to.
With asking me the place to my heart.
Well, those are two different things.
Not even related a bit.
I guess he is just a dirty boy.
To leave the negativity with him, in his own house.
The way he showed himself.
How he acted towards me.
That is really all I can say.
But that is not what I told him.
I also didn’t laugh this time.
Since, I didn’t find it funny.
You have to agree with me that it wasn’t.
Don’t you think?
The only option for me was to stay in my positive light and say : ‘I am already creative with him’.
It was really the only answer I could give him.
Because if I had said something else I was lowering me to his standard.
Which was actually not even an option, since he had already calculated his defeat, to come up with this word ‘creative’.
I don’t think that was something he came up there and then.
Sitting with me there in the sun.
Because I didn’t know him and I guess he was just trying this with more.
That is what this encounter was telling me.
He was just a boy looking for something.
I don’t think he knew what he was looking for.
Actually.
But to me it sounded a bit dirty.
To ask ‘to be creative still’.
I will leave it up to you to decide.
To finish this story with this boy.
He didn’t even wait for me to finish my sentence.
And that was all that was to say about him.
The moral of this encounter in combination with what I said about the house.
I can only match with someone that is neat or clean, knows what he is looking for and isn’t going after anything.
That ‘going after anything’, is what I mean that this boy was asking me where that place of my heart was.
I think he didn’t really want to know that.
I would rather have someone asking me for directions, where I can give friendly advice.
Up for them to decide to take it or not.
Perhaps the direction I am giving is the place to my heart.
It could be.
And then it would end up me giving my number.
Somehow.
Just sitting on my cloud of love here.
I like to be there.
But what if this really is going to happen.
Can you imagine that?
If this really is going to happen, I am going to let him read this story.
For sure.
That is a promise.
But yeah.
I don’t know, I am just trying to make sense of that encounter I had with this other boy that was sitting next to me.
Trying to get my number.
At least what I was thinking.
Anyway.
Asking directions is something real and not far fetched.
Yes, that is something I can live with.
Just satisfied with my own answer.
I think my next lover is that also.
Satisfied with my answer.
It could be a start to something.
More.
Perhaps even something love related.
Because that is who I am.
The house I am living in, so to speak.
Perhaps it is even big enough for us to live together as well.