I find it weird to write about it.
And I didn’t even start yet.
I needed a minute to think about, if this was really something I wanted to write about at all.
That minute became a day, or two.
Perhaps even three.
At least it wasn’t that long ago.
And here I am.
I don’t know where that hesitation was coming from.
This doubt to write about it.
It felt stupid to write.
I have to say.
This whole love journey actually.
When I started to think about it more.
Just something I was thinking, perhaps even wanting to shout.
However, I didn’t say anything out loud.
I kept it to myself.
Perhaps an anger I was holding.
Something in me was lingering.
That was for sure.
Perhaps these are just growing pains, but when I felt like writing this story, I was happy to do so.
However some time later I didn’t feel like writing anymore.
I was going back and forth.
In my mind and in my feelings.
All this time I was thinking about writing this story.
And just questioning myself, why on earth?
Because the thing is that I didn’t like this person.
Perhaps just writing about what I want to write, will help me overcome this hurdle.
So, here it goes.
It was someone I had met briefly before.
I can’t really tell if there was attraction.
However, I do think he liked me.
I think for a second I contemplated if it was the same for me.
I became silent and let things just happen.
Not specific to anything that I wanted.
Just to see if there was something.
And then I think, there it left me.
That feeling of researching the possibility.
Not even seeing if there was anything.
In the first place.
It was even before all that.
And as fast as that went and passed.
I was a bit perplexed to see him with another girl.
They were already in a relationship, even.
It was just a few weeks later, since that moment I got to know him.
And that is where I had that feeling of wanting to write about it.
But then again, it felt so weird to say something about it.
I was never in a relationship with him, nor did anything happen.
I did spend the night, but that was more because it could and was convenient.
And also then, nothing happened.
The only thing I can think about is that he was looking for a girl.
Finding a relationship.
He was just trying his luck, so to say.
Something he wasn’t with me.
I don’t think that he specifically had something in mind.
Just letting his bate out, to see who would bite.
A pond I wasn’t swimming in.
Nor that kind of fish that I am.
I guess.
And I think this is where I feel relief of what I was holding before.
The way I was writing it down gave me that insight.
It wasn’t personal.
What happened.
He was just trying his luck.
Without something specific.
In that light.
It is a compliment that he saw me as a suggestion there.
That is no wonder, I am an attractive girl.
However, he wasn’t for me.
And I think this is where I can leave it behind.
But this anger I felt.
What I was holding.
The pain that it left me.
Is still something I need to name.
Because good that I could figure it out, that it wasn’t about me.
However, the anger and pain that I felt, hidden in this going back and forth, is my responsibility.
Something that is for me to find out still.
I think it is a feeling of being forgotten so fast.
Because although I didn’t like him, before anything else.
I did see, in that moment of silence, that he was trying his best with me.
And that was bound to me specifically.
There wasn’t any other girl involved.
And this was also the discrepancy that I was facing.
I wasn’t even with him, nor did I like him.
And still I had this feeling of suffering seeing him with another girl.
I believe it was an unspoken thing that left me a bit heartbroken.
That he never told me that he was interested in me.
Although it was pretty clear.
I think on my side it was perhaps even a disappointment that I didn’t like him.
And here remains the question if I am getting it right.
That the disappointment is not about him, but it could be a disappointment connected to myself.
As a reflection that I was seeing in him.
Perhaps I was disappointed in myself, that I hadn’t made it clear who I was looking for.
That I was spending time with someone that I wasn’t even interested in, to begin with.
And then seeing him already in a relationship.
Left me with pain.
The body is so wonderful.
That is really all I can say.
The responsibility is where I can make that turn.
To say that I have to make it known what type I am looking for.
To avoid more heartache and pain in the future.
I guess that is the only thing for me left to do.
And for some reason.
Between this going back and forth, of writing this story.
I was thinking today, who I am attracted to, or who would fit my standard.
Because the many things that love is, I think love is about that.
To meet someone on your level.
Among those lines at least.
Whoever that person might be.
It is not about that person as such.
However it is another piece of myself I am finding.
To make that love connection.
Since love starts with yourself.
Something I have been saying before.
If you haven’t read my stories, then it is good for you to know.
And otherwise it is a reminder to that.
To say that I am understanding that piece of myself.
Not only that I am different.
But I am ahead of my time.
Perhaps even lightyears, so to say.
Or at least what I told my ex boyfriend one day when I was angry.
That was already some time ago.
It was that same disappointment I felt, when saying these words.
To be with someone that was so much lower of who I am.
It was leaving me in pieces, then.
For me to find what was lost.
Somehow.
Where I can conclude after all those years from that relationship, which was coming back in this person that was with someone so fast after he met me.
For reasons he doesn’t even know himself.
And frankly that is none of my business.
Although I did figure that out.
I can only fall for someone that can think out of the box.
Since I don’t fit in the ones that are provided.
I have tried a few, I can tell with my 40th birthday coming.
Not specific to someone that is ahead of his time.
But at least one that has a mind that thinks differently.
To see ahead of what is happening the least.
Let’s call them an Entrepreneur.
I think that is the only person that is meeting the standard, to be with me.