I am in a loving mood, what I am thinking for myself.
It could be I am just hung over, because I do have a little bit of a headache.
I felt sick this morning, I even slept a bit longer than usual.
However I feel it was just the alcohol still in my veins.
It was still there from the night before and I was just not feeling good.
I knew it wasn’t a good idea to drink, for no specific reasons.
However I was invited to come over and I thought it would be disrespectful to not drink.
So, I would just try and see how it would go.
I had one glass then I was asked for a refill.
I couldn’t say no.
Not that I wanted it, or because I couldn’t, but more because I was just there shortly and I thought it might be weird if I would refuse that second drink.
And so, I had another drink.
It was really going through my head.
Fuck, my mind was spinning so much.
I really had to focus on one point.
The people in the room were just talking and everything around me continued.
I was a spectator of my own world and just sitting there.
It took me a little while to stand up and go to the restroom, to get rid of those toxins in my body.
To make my head spin a little less.
However, I don’t think anyone noticed this was all going on inside of me.
I really thought I would fall over if I stood up.
So when I came back I had another drink.
And I believe, one more after.
I can’t even tell you if it was that great of a night.
There were a lot of stories told and I even had to laugh.
At one point I said : “Can you open the door for me, so I can go back?”
I didn’t finish my last drink, there was still a little bit left in my glass.
I did that with purpose, I thought it was appropriate.
Don’t ask me why.
Just a feeling I was having.
Perhaps some sort of respect.
A story it was telling, I had such a nice time, I couldn’t finish all there was.
Something overflowing for me.
A kind of abundance, so to speak.
This is where I was waking up this morning.
My mind went through places and I just thought I was going to die.
Then, I took a cold shower, to more or less wake me up.
It helped a little bit, I have to say.
I took my breakfast and cup of tea as usual, but it was tasting weird for some reason.
I guess there was still alcohol in my body.
I left the dishes at the counter of the kitchen, where I had left some other things I had used the night before.
I just couldn’t be bothered.
Also I really didn’t care.
In this carelessness there was a story showing up.
With a heavy head I packed my laptop and put on my lipstick.
For me to write this story, after all those drinks I had last night.
After some food and that cold shower I do feel somewhat better.
I thought about this person a little bit more.
He is so yummy to watch and I saw he is struggling with the contact there is between us.
Casual is not a word to name what is happening.
I can’t really call this a secret love story.
However affairs and secret loves happen often in those circles of higher standards.
Perhaps something you needed to know.
It felt a bit related to me, at least.
But as far as that goes.
I just want to express something about it.
I think there is nothing wrong with looking at each other.
At least my perspective or point of view.
Of course that can differ in any kind of situation.
But where his eyes were not hiding what he is looking for.
I do have to say I did think about what I was going to wear that day.
I even went back to change my outfit.
It felt a bit too much for me and then I also thought it was perhaps showing more than was good for the occasion.
So, I was sitting at that coffee place, drinking another tea to ease my mind and ordered some more food.
For me to wrap my head around this little crush I had developed with someone I only shared eye contact with.
Which was perhaps even more intimate we were both seeking in what the eyes were trying to say.
It was all quite intense, as you might guess.
What the moral of this story is, is hard to tell.
What I came to realize, at least for myself, is he was a bit of a wild soul.
Something I also consider myself.
However I am more in control.
I am not letting my eyes tell a story the heart doesn’t want to be told.
I mean, it isn’t that complicated.
I guess this is where I am leaving this for what it is.
Because sometimes we meet people, without knowing why.
It could be a soul contract that needs to be fulfilled, something karmic or anything else closer to the heart.
What I try to say, to keep it stable and sound, without my head in the clouds.
The eye sometimes just wants something.
A look in the eye, a story that wants to be told or just to look at someone and think : ‘My goodness you are so good looking I would like to have a taste’.
I guess it is all good.
With having this little crush, what was nice for its worth.
There are certainly some things I will remember.
I was feeling hot and cold at the same time, however it wasn’t a fever.
More like a wild night on a rainy day.
I was thinking ahead if I would go there and then changed my plans accordingly.
I was nervous just a little and I think I did show that to him a couple of times.
Fuck, I was really scared when that happened.
However, I think he also didn’t really know what to do with the situation.
He is macho and king in his own world.
To me he is just a wild boy.
As much as all of this was happening, with nobody noticing.
I feel really grateful for this experience.
I believe it was showing parts of myself, who I am from the inside.
I have a wildness inside of me, able to control.
Not letting some kind of wild boy stare into my eyes.
Where I was able to put a boundary which I tell in my story ‘A love agreement from me to you’.
I was able to organize myself and be free in my own world, since I was thinking ahead and made plans accordingly.
Where I even understood my own love story, this little crush I was having.
It was making me feel so good about myself.
However it was just a guy reaching for the skies.
But as the story once told, what you want from me has to come from a good point of view, not just a leap in the dark.
Because to me that doesn’t hold ground, or to say in contemporary terms, I can not trust.
I guess this is where me and him are parting ways.
However, with the story he was telling with his eyes, it was showing my wildest desires.
I will keep that just for myself, but I think you can fill in for yourself.
If it will be with him, I can not tell.
To conclude some kind of crush doesn’t necessarily always say something about the other person, but can say something about ourselves.
Who we are from the inside, what our wildest desires are and where we like to keep that secret.