A story that occupied my mind.
One I wrote myself.
‘Will love happen in the future?’
Where in this story I see flashes before my eyes, of a so-called lover.
A relationship or just fling.
I couldn’t see that clearly when I wrote that story.
Also I didn’t write anything about it, when reading my story.
I read it over and over again a couple of times.
To find some answers.
Perhaps even the reason why.
Nothing really that could provide me with anything solid.
I thought about it more and more.
Something lingering underneath the surface with me.
And so I am writing this story, to see what else is there.
An answer from within myself, perhaps.
Another love story would suit me well.
I hope to publish it in a woman’s magazine.
And that is something I am just saying to myself.
As that love story with the photographer is about what we are doing.
Drinking coffee, laughing.
Mainly.
Me giving him a hug, because that is how far I take it with him at that time.
What I saw in a flash before my eyes.
I am just really not that comfortable with myself.
A legacy of the past of some things that happened to me.
Where I believe I need to learn to be comfortable with myself.
Don’t ask me why that is important.
However it was also something that the director of a photoshoot asked me, not that long ago.
‘Are you comfortable?’
I said yes, but deep down I didn’t really know.
I think it was showing and this made his question legitimate.
I am not blaming myself, but the answer of yes, was just a future perspective that was easier to provide.
A way to stay safe in that moment, even if that is just for myself.
Perhaps with my feet on the ground.
Which is something really important for me.
And so I thought about that story I wrote a while ago.
April 2024 is what I said in that story : ‘Will love happen in the future?’
Where I believe it is a spiritual journey and I say the photographer is a shaman from the inside.
However the outside reality is showing something different.
But it isn’t as far-fetched as you might think.
Since I started that story with something that I heard once.
‘Some cultures think that photos or photography can take away your soul’.
Where I say that perhaps his pictures could take away that part of me which shouldn’t belong to me.
I believe for the world to see and grow those parts that are mine.
But the question that I asked myself.
The reason I was reading that story again.
How am I going to meet him?
I mean, it is nice I can see those flashes before my eyes and write it down.
But I was missing this part of where we are meeting.
Something I want to discover by writing this story.
What I believe is that we are meeting at a place where we are both comfortable or uncomfortable at the same time.
It would be the same difference.
It is a way to come together, where we would bring each other down to continue on the beaten path.
Not to say we need to lessen or lower our standards.
I am not speaking about bringing each other down in a negative way.
But to bring us down for us to continue where we should go.
A feeling I have of being uncomfortable with myself as an example.
Where he is so open to do that.
Letting his eyes speak.
Something he is comfortable with.
Perhaps another lesson of love I need to find for myself.
It would bring me down, to the core of myself.
Where I could help him find his purpose in life.
Because I think that is something that he is questioning himself.
Something I already know.
To develop that part of himself, that is sleeping still.
Which I can wake up with that wildness that I have inside of me.
But before meeting him, I should make myself known.
Not just a writer of love stories, but be open about my spirituality and sensitivity.
Making known what is there in the world.
How to use that inner wisdom of healing and helping others.
So he could find me like honey to the bee, because I think he already know what kind of person I am.