A story occupied my mind, one I wrote myself.
‘Will love happen in the future?’
In this story I see flashes before my eyes, of a so-called lover.
A relationship or just fling.
I couldn’t see clearly when I wrote that story.
I read it over and over again a couple of times.
To find some answers, perhaps even the reason why.
Nothing really could provide me with anything solid.
I thought about it more and more.
Something lingering underneath the surface with me.
And so I am writing this story, to see what else is there.
An answer from within myself, I hope so.
Another love story would suit me well.
I hope to publish it in a woman’s magazine.
Something I am just saying to myself.
The love story with the photographer is about what we are doing.
Drinking coffee, laughing.
Me giving him a hug, how far I take it with him.
What I saw in a flash before my eyes.
I am just really not that comfortable with myself.
A legacy of the past of some things which happened to me.
Where I believe I need to learn to be comfortable with myself.
Don’t ask me why that is important.
My mind is bringing me to a director of a photoshoot.
He asked me a question, not that long ago.
“Are you comfortable?”
I said “yes”, but deep down I didn’t really know.
I think it was showing and this made his question legitimate.
I am not blaming myself, but the answer of yes, was just a future perspective easier to provide.
A way to stay safe in that moment, even if was just for myself.
I hope with my feet on the ground, which is something really important for me.
And so I thought about that story I wrote a while ago.
It was April 2024.
‘Will love happen in the future?’
Where I believe it is a spiritual journey and I say the photographer is a shaman from the inside.
However the outside reality is showing something different.
However, it isn’t as far-fetched as you might think.
Since I started that story with something I once heard.
‘Some cultures think photos or photography can take away your soul’.
Where I say in that story his pictures could take away that part of me which shouldn’t belong to me.
I believe for the world to see and grow those parts which are mine.
Where the question started to rise and I asked myself.
‘How am I going to meet him?’
I mean, it is nice I can see those flashes before my eyes and write it down.
But I was missing this part of where we are meeting.
Something I want to discover.
I can’t tell you why or why this is important.
What I believe is we are meeting at a place we are both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.
It would be the same difference.
A way to recognize each other. Perhaps I can call it meeting half way.
Where we come together and we would bring each other down to continue on the beaten path.
I don’t mean we need to lower our standards.
I am not speaking about bringing each other down in a negative way.
But to bring us down for us to continue where we should go.
A feeling I have, being uncomfortable with myself.
Where he is so open to do that.
Letting his eyes speak.
Something he is comfortable with.
Perhaps another lesson of love I need to find for myself.
It would bring me down, to the core of myself.
Where I could help him find his purpose in life.
Because I think he is questioning himself.
Something I already know, from this distance.
To develop that part of himself, which is sleeping still.
That I can wake up with the wildness I have inside of me.
I believe before meeting him, I should make myself known.
Not just a writer of love stories, but be open about my spirituality and sensitivity.
Making known what there is in the world.
How to use that inner wisdom of healing and helping others.
So he could find me like honey to the bee, or for him to recognize me for the person I already am.