Whatever had happened, I still can’t fully grasp.
I received a text.
I broke it off with him, just a few weeks ago.
This was the third time already.
I don’t know if this was a game he was playing.
Or that he just had waited long enough to send me something again.
Long enough that I had lowered my guard.
Was he trying to fool me?
Was this a pull and return of something I am learning?
Or was it just that he was living so much in his own world, he had no recollection of what I had said?
That I had said to him, ‘we are too far away from each other’.
‘It is better we shouldn’t meet anymore’.
Maybe I was too discreet, in my words, to end what we had.
It could also be that there are other things at stake and there is something that is drawing me to him.
It isn’t a weak spot, when I look at him.
Although he has something alluring.
I don’t know if it is a physical attraction.
I know he is attracted to my body.
But in a way I am doing the same to him.
It is the words that I speak to him, as a realization where I am still closed off.
And I let him just think he is right.
I understand that a deal like this, comes with a package.
So, the wine tastes as a bittersweet feeling.
Perhaps that is the attraction we are both facing.
A deal underneath the surface.
That is not meant to be seen in daylight.
Although I am bringing it up here.
Because it is better to bring it to the surface.
At a place I find safe.
Something that is hidden in his house, or some place we are residing at that time of being.
As a decor of what needs to be said and we should be doing.
Not always something physical.
This is something that happened that night.
First we were eating.
He was speaking about things that he didn’t know anything about.
Speaking in a way, that his truth was the the only ground.
I was starting to get mad.
However I was trying to hold my ground.
So this is what I said.
‘Whatever you are saying, it will not change my mind, not tomorrow, in a week from now or in 2 months’.
‘That is clear then’, is what he said.
But he kept arguing about things, I knew they weren’t right.
He had done the dishes and kept on talking about this topic.
That were pushing all my buttons.
This time we were laying in bed.
He could really get me mad sometimes.
But when laying there in bed, him still speaking.
This time I had made progress in myself and said to him the following.
‘Stop saying that, you have no idea what you are talking about’.
I could still hear the voice of the movie that was playing in the background.
Something about water was as strong as Iron.
We were watching ‘The Diary of a Geisha’.
As my eyes were slipping away, because of the tiredness of that conversation.
I felt I had to guard myself, for things he were saying.
That in my opinion, were just not right.
It is that I was thinking about what it is to do with this kind of person.
Or to say, this kind of relationship.
But as I started to fall asleep with a content feeling.
Because I had managed to control my emotions and not let him get under my skin.
It is that I woke up the next day and realized.
Love doesn’t have to taste like a bittersweet feeling.