‘What is your expectation?’
‘When it comes to a new relationship?’
It is something I was asked.
A bit random, I have to say.
Perhaps because I didn’t expected this question.
My psychologist had asked.
Unexpected the least.
Not something I had thought she would say.
The irony, since she has just asked me about my expectations.
However, we weren’t talking at all about this.
We had made a recap.
Retrospect, was the word she used.
How the things were going, about the things when we started counseling.
Where I am now and what it is that has my focus.
I named a few things.
Health, my writing, a new place to live and I don’t think I mentioned a relationship.
But maybe I did say something about having someone.
I can’t remember that well, anymore.
‘Let’s focus on love´, she just said.
‘Yes’, I said.
Still a bit perplexed.
For me, it really came a bit out of nowhere.
I guess that is why she guided me there.
Because what we don’t think about, needs to have the most attention.
Or just something I am coming up with now.
It does make sense, however, when I think about it.
‘What I am expecting from a relationship?’
I think I said it a bit soft.
Perhaps even just to myself.
Not really knowing how to answer or what to say.
That must have been something new, although it happens.
Sometimes.
We talked about it for a few minutes and then she told me that the time for counseling was coming to an end.
‘So that is your homework for next week’, is what she said.
‘Ok, I will write about it’, I responded.
‘That is a good start’, were her final words.
And she continued to end the counseling session.
And so I am here now.
A few days later, after that counseling session.
The question has been repeating in my mind since then.
‘What am I expecting from a love relationship?’
I know that this is where I am going and I can see flashes passing before my eyes.
Someone that speaks English and we are not from the same nationality.
He doesn’t live in Portugal. nor is he Portuguese.
A connection made online.
Something with Instagram is popping up and I hear the song : Digital Love from Daft Punk.
Someone that looks older than he is and I believe he would be in his twenties.
The attraction to youngsters has been there since I turned 35.
Not that I need to have a reason or that I am overthinking.
Just something I am feeling.
However, is it an expectation?
That is the question.
I think my psychologist meant it more in the traditional sense of what to expect from a love relationship.
But I don’t know so well, what that is.
So, I just googled it.
‘Expectations from a love relationship’, I typed and this is what it says.
What are your expectations in a relationship?
Some basic things that you can (and must) expect from your partner include respect, understanding, emotional support, and patience. These are some fundamental needs that you should be fulfilling for each other, and it is not wrong to expect them in a committed relationship.
When I look at it like this, it does make sense.
It is good to know some of the things to consider as an expectation in a love relationship.
The question remains : ‘What is it to me?’
A framework for the mind and heart, to understand how to beat.
A softness and kindness as a ground to make it work.
Mental stability to fall back on.
And now I understand a bit better what the question is about this expectation.
If we don’t know what to expect, it will always be a void and emptiness in ourselves.
And of that other person.
Because love is not one sided, there are two people involved.
Writing down or speaking about the expectations, will lead the way to that kind of lover.
Or you will find along the way what you want and like.
And there is no right or wrong in it.
A safe place to be, to let things happen and evolve.
So what are those expectations then for me.
I am asking myself.
It is still a bit hard for me to express.
A fear I am feeling.
Perhaps something to consider talking about with my psychologist.
Is this really the right way to do this?
But when I go beyond my past experiences, that have made my ground shake a bit.
A poem I am coming up with.
Because sometimes it is easier to rhyme, when we can not find the right words.
So here it is.
A light in the darkness, where I can not hide.
Lifting me up, where I can not do it myself.
Positivity where I feel energized.
Or can charge.
A place where we can meet in space and time.
In quantity and quality.
A hug, or just a kiss on the cheek.
Understanding when I am weak.
Learning and growing from each other.
Even when we don’t know how to do that.
To not go over each other boundaries.
Or at least listening to what the other has to say about it.
I guess you can call it emotional support.
To be the other side of the half.
Giving space to be.
Not letting me wait in the rain.
Opening the door, so I can go in.
Perhaps even a baby
One day
If this all is considering the same person.
Remains a mystery.
To me.