The last days have been weird, I really can’t put a different word to it.
Some guy made this happen.
A name I have given him, one of many names I called him.
For some reason I am feeling a bit sad this is a name I have to add to this list of names.
Why I can’t really say, just a deeper feeling.
The second name I came up to call him was actually due to his own way.
The first name I called him, was his name.
One day he showed up with an undeniable moustache.
I couldn’t really take my eyes off it.
This moustache was there all of a sudden.
I started questioning myself why this happened.
Perhaps he needed some attention?
I can’t really tell if it was the way to go.
Surely I couldn’t let it pass me by.
It did make me wonder if he actually had a moustache already.
One he grew over some time and therefor visible.
I checked his Instagram to see his older pictures if his moustache was showing there.
He had one, just a smaller version.
Long before I ever met him, actually.
I couldn’t really move around it, had to call it what it was.
And so this name I started calling him appeared.
‘The Moustache’.
There was more about this name, then just this thing on his face.
Although a bit out of the blue the way his moustache showed.
It became a reason I could talk about him, without him noticing.
I have to admit my heart was a bit broken, due to some things which happened between us.
It became a way for me to ventilate and perhaps even make fun about him, through this moustache.
A protection mechanism I created by calling him ‘Moustache’.
To prevent the hurt I felt and keep him at distance.
I think ‘Moustache’ was a nice name that suited this.
A way of expressing my love, without him feeling it.
The fact was my heartbreak didn’t really became less, I had to find my way to get over him.
Giving him this name, did give me space and time when he was around.
For him to not hurt me, with his actions.
How much I wish to go deeper, explain more about how he hurted me.
I can’t really say much about it.
For me to heal and understand, but this name ‘Moustache’ I will keep.
A memory about him, something close to his heart.
If I love him, I don’t know.
He was someone I couldn’t deny, for sure.
The same as his moustache.
Perhaps the reason why this moustache was showing.
I have to say I am checking sometimes his Instagram to see if his moustache is still there.
As a way to keep me safe, to know he is still the same person.
A sorrow I am still feeling, where I couldn’t connect with him.
Luckily there is this moustache reminding me one day things might be different.
Although that is not a choice of my own.
Love doesn’t go that way.
A lesson I need to learn or just to write down.
One day I called him afraid, he kept canceling on me for no reason.
He always told me he was busy, not really the reason he cancelled on me.
Busy was never a name I gave him.
I think he was mainly stuck in his head or just a bit lost in his own ego.
Fears or being afraid were surely the root to this.
Afraid, I think was a name to legit put on this list of names.
He was taking too much drugs.
This drug thing took everything away for me.
It made me so afraid, it turned me into dust.
A ghost of my own, scared of my own being.
I was afraid when I was with him.
We were just not matching habits.
The fear was so deep it prohibited me from running from him.
It made me freeze.
A trauma he gave me, with his actions.
Doing things in his own way, for his own sake.
Something I was seeing in him and I tried to make contact.
But I can’t be with someone who wants to be someone he isn’t.
This where I am letting go, leaving him behind.
The list of names of how I called him is completed.
One day he also called me a name which was different from the one on my birth certificate.
I have to say I felt flattered.
Love is about feelings, understanding your emotions.
Actioning accordingly, following your passion.
Fighting until you get it right.
A battle to see who is the boss.
Which is to me the beginning of a relationship.
To fight one’s dragons, slaying them to build resistance.
This dragon is there to say, you shall not pass.
If you want to be with me, you have to fight my dragon first.
I am a princess, or so to say.
Walking free, this dragon is to keep me safe.
Burn you alive if you come to close.
Scare you when you look at it.
Bite you when you wake it, when it is sleeping.
It is a true story, in case you don’t believe me.
A battle of getting to know each other.
To go all the places, beat them piece by piece.
Love conquers all, something I am willing to sign for.
To end this story, I will tell you this name he gave me.
I believe more a reflection of his own, I don’t identify with that name.
He called me crazy.
He tried, to fight my dragon.
His attempt didn’t really wake it.
This is the part where I kill the last part of his dragon.
If you ever doubt how to call me, you can always just call me by my real name.