I had a meeting with a psychologist.
But it wasn’t that I just reached out to one.
As I am watching content all day to make sure one of the online platforms stays safe.
We also see things that are not always nice.
We were asked to fill in a survey.
A monthly one, nothing really special.
Something even mandatory.
But then again, I was a bit scared to fill in this survey.
I mean, it is about how you are feeling and a psychologist could see the results.
Not that we were being watched, or were part of an experiment.
The thing is that I don’t know what was making me so afraid about that.
FIlling in that survey.
But then again I also didn’t hesitate to fill it out.
‘5 minutes it would take’, was said.
‘To fill it in’.
So I marked the boxes and went with what felt right.
Not thinking too much about it.
I mean, overall I felt fine, there wasn’t anything really bad.
Perhaps it was the change of weather that made my mood different.
Or it was something deep down that I wanted to say or that someone was reading it.
So I had filled in that the content about the war in Gaza and Israel was tough on me and I also had some personal things.
I completed the rest of the questions of that survey and I went back to work.
Then I received a message if I wanted to speak with a psychologist, since I scored a bit low on some things.
I think I immediately said yes.
Don’t ask me why I was so eager to do this.
It was just that I was already so far in that process, that there was no turning around anymore.
Saying yes that fast, would assure that I wasn’t going back.
And so it went.
She asked when it was a good time for me to talk and when I was available.
About a week later I had a meeting planned.
We talked about things that were bothering me, watching this horrific content.
I don’t have to go into detail, since everything is all over the news and on the online platforms still.
But what has this to do with your love life, you might think.
Speaking about the content, or the meeting with the psychologist.
It is that something came to the surface that I wasn’t aware of.
Which was lying underneath this content.
Later I was even thinking, this is the reason why I write my stories where content is my inspiration.
It is what is underneath it that wants to be said.
Perhaps because that is where love is found.
‘The fact that I am turning 39 in a few months and not in the place in my life I am in a committed relationship’.
‘Although I made a conscious choice years ago, to clean up my life and heal’.
‘There is nothing wrong with me and I believe I am nice and kind’.
Those were also the exact words I said.
‘There is no reason why I shouldn’t be in a love relationship’.
I said it quite firmly.
Perhaps something under my surface was saying, ‘now it is my turn, I have waited long enough’.
And it might sound weird that with filling in that survey, I was so afraid, for I don’t know what.
It is that I live life by facing my fears and thus filling in that survey was the right thing to do.
Also something my gut was telling me, that it can help me further.
Although I don’t know what it is.
Perhaps that is what I will get clear with the conversations I will have.
And I believe that writing this in my love diary is a part of it.
That there is just someone that is listening, not judging or asking permission to ask personal questions.
That in itself is already healing and comforting.
It could be something I needed with all the rain that is coming down at the moment.
Or just something I need in a relationship.
The epiphany I have this moment.
Whatever it is.
It came to the surface in this conversation I had.
It could be the start to get me out of a place I don’t belong.
That is also something that can make you sick.
Although I don’t quite know the depth of that.
It is good that I am talking with this psychologist.
To make me aware of these lingering feelings, that are boiling in me.
Not even because of that conversation.
That I was asked to fill in that survey.
Or that the psychologist was reaching out if I was interested in a meeting.
It was that I was following my own rythm.
Following my gutfeeling, facing my own fear.
In my own love journey.
Understanding how the world works according to me and where I fit in.
But I have learned that sometimes we are not supposed to know how things evolve.
Until that moment comes.
This is how life works.
Or at least mine is.
It makes life worthy and makes me feel alive.
It makes me keep going, untill I am there to find.
Perhaps that is the reason why we shouldn’t know how all things go.
As we need to find the answers or gain perspectives on our own.
Become strong and built resistance.
What I am doing in this love journey of mine.
Which helps us grow and become.
To become our own person, with our own thoughts and feelings.
Until we are complete and whole.
For that person that comes along.
And recognize this is where I belong.