‘You are gorgeous’.
He had said it to me a couple of times.
The first time, he said it to me, was to get my attention.
The second time, because I didn’t respond.
‘You have a girlfriend’. I responded.
Looking at the girl that sat opposite of him.
She was wearing colorful pants.
I didn’t know if she was his girlfriend.
Just a guess, as they were sitting together.
What else could I have said?
‘She likes pussy too’, he said.
A bit too loud, just to make sure that I knew he wasn’t going to give up his attempt to have my attention.
I didn’t say anything.
I was silent, I just didn’t know how to respond.
‘Did I need to respond to the revelation of her sexuality?’
If it was that in the first place.
In my mind this revelation didn’t have anything to do with that he found me gorgeous.
Or he wanted to have my attention for other reasons.
Reasons I didn’t have anything to do with and I also wasn’t looking for.
Not that I had said anything or that it needed to be mentioned, but I was working.
I took the glasses that were standing on the table.
‘How was the food?’ I asked the girl.
Being professional always kept me safe and gave me some time to come up with an answer.
I also felt a bit awkward and didn’t really know how to act otherwise.
Of course being called gorgeous is nice, but the fact he sat there with his girlfriend, made me feel weird.
‘I feel you have limitations’.
He shouted a bit less loud, when I came back to pick up the empty plates they had in front of them on the table.
I took the plates and continued my work.
‘Was he trying to find out my sexuality?’ I was thinking on the way to the kitchen to put the plates away.
‘Or was it still an attempt to get ‘my attention?’
For reasons I didn’t know.
‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ He continued, when I had returned.
It was sure, he wasn’t going to give up.
‘I am single’, I said very directly.
I think I was even smiling when I said it.
Not particular to him. More in general.
I felt a sense of freedom that made me smile.
To not have this kind of ‘awkwardness’, when being in a commitment.
I didn’t really knew what it meant, but I felt it.
Perhaps this kind of relationship, wasn’t for me.
‘I think you are really wild, but you just have this innocent look’.
He was talking about my sexuality.
Not that he was trying to find out about my sexuality, just stating that he could see that in me.
I didn’t know if he saw my smile, but I smiled anyway.
‘Yes, I feel very free being single’. I can do ‘whatever I want’.
I meant it in a sexual way, but also in a general way.
I was looking at the girl, when I said it. Not that I wanted to say it to her.
It had no particular meaning. I was just looking at her.
‘I feel more free now that I am in a relationship’, the girl responded.
She said in a way with calmness and I believed her immediately.
She was comfortable in her way of sexuality and it meant that there was no competition between us.
I took more plates from the table. I needed time to let that sink.
I wasn’t in a relationship. I couldn’t imagine that.
Could you really be ‘more free’ when being in a relationship than being single?
And what would that be like?
My mind was wondering.
Was it a pre-assumption I had, that being single is the essence of ‘being more free’.
Or was it a limitation?
And was the limitation I thought around being less free, when being in a commitment grounded?
But most importantly, was I willing to give up this limitation or pre-assumption of being free?
As a sagittarius, finding more freedom was very alluring to me.
‘It has to come from a good place’, I called myself back.
‘I believe we have limitations for a reason’. I told him, when I had returned to the table.
‘I am happy you say that’, he said to me.
Like he was waiting for me to tell him this.
He was smiling when he said that.
He really was happy.
The girl was still sitting opposite of him. Listening to what I was about to say.
‘We have limitations as a protection mechanism’.
‘Sometimes we are not ready and the limits make sure we don’t cross those boundaries’.
‘To protect ourselves, but also others’.
I had said it. It was just all I wanted to say.
I walked away satisfied.
Then again, real love only happens when we cross our own boundaries. I was thinking.
It was a post I once put on my Instagram.
And I was thinking of it, while having the plates in my hand.
Of course we also need to be ready for that. To cross our own boundary.
But when and how? A question I asked myself.
I was still walking. The plates in my hand.
‘When we feel safe and trust the situation’.
Was the immediate answer I gave myself.
‘You really are gorgeous’.
His voice was a bit more calm when he said it this time.
Still loud though.
‘Thank you’, I replied.
‘I really appreciate it’, is what I said.
It was the third time.
He really meant it.