Lately there are a lot of men talking to me.
Conversations I am having, mainly because they want to say something.
I can’t really say that I am listening, but I am trying my best.
To at least be there.
Of course I am.
Most of the time.
Not to insinuate something different.
Just that I am not always there with my mind, because sometimes it is hard to follow what they are saying.
But it was one of the last conversations I had, with one of ‘these men’, that gave me some epiphany.
I can’t really say how it came this far, but to me it sounded like there was something missing.
That is, of course not the finding of that conversation.
It was someone that I had met a while back, perhaps even a year from the moment we were talking again.
That he found me attractive was quite obvious.
And that he wanted to do things with me, was soft to say a compliment.
That hadn’t changed from the last time I saw him.
And I have to say that I found that assuring.
Because something that didn’t change, is something I can learn something from.
As that is where a lesson is hiding.
He invited me over a couple of times.
Which I declined.
But we kept running into each other and there wasn’t anything I could really do about.
So I thought, perhaps there is something for me to find, to think about and even process.
And thus the conversations kept on going.
Not just with him, but also with those other men who had something to say to me.
It wasn’t something that I asked for or that I had put out there, for them wanting to speak with me.
Even if I wanted, I couldn’t prevent it, or make it stop.
But there was for sure something in the air that I was catching.
Because perhaps it wasn’t about what they were saying or what they were intending.
It was that I felt my senses were at ease and I could resist their wantings.
I wasn’t defending myself, nor was I trying to leave those conversations.
Patiently, I let them finish what they wanted to speak up about.
If that was the case.
And this is where I had the epiphany and learned my lesson.
When waiting for them to finish their sentences.
It was where I found the time to come back to myself and could clearly see what was happening.
My immunity has risen and I can protect myself.
Where before I wasn’t able to do that.
That was the purpose of these conversations.
For me to learn I can handle these kinds of situations.
A lesson well learned.
And while I was still waiting for them to finish the conversation.
It is a feeling I had.
That one day I perhaps no longer have to do that.
Have these conversations and protect myself from those men.
Not because I lost it, but just that I have had enough of these conversations.
And I mean that in the highest light.
Everything has its tax and when it is full it will make way for a new experience.
Or perhaps that is already starting to appear with this story.
I can’t really say how and what will happen exactly.
But it is just the last epiphany of that moment, listening to those men, waiting for them to be done talking.
I think one day I will again have a certain conversation that shows my immunity for men wanting something from me that I can not give them.
Speaking to me, just for their own sake.
Or being an asshole, as some of them really are.
I can’t say if it is something that is missing in them or a lack of something else.
But this has really been a large chapter in my love life.
Men hitting on me for no reason or trying to get something from me, to fill their own cup.
Draining my energy by talking to me.
Blocking and preventing me from having a conversation with someone who actually understands what I am saying.
That they shouldn’t bother me.
But that moment of me talking with a man, having a conversation where they are basically wasting my time, will be noticed by someone passing or overhearing this conversation.
Because what we need to hear, our ears will always listen to that.
At least of how I perceive the world and how I am living it.
That is the moment where this person can step in.
Not to save me, because that is not the point.
But to acknowledge I can handle the situation with love and care for myself.
That is what his action is telling.
A message needed to leave those men behind.
It is an intervention of that conversation that allows me to no longer have to protect myself.
With him doing that, he is stepping in a light, where those men understand that I am taken.
By a man that is way too much for them.
Not to say stronger or fitter.
But someone that can take care of the situation.
The same as me, but just different.
An ending of a time where I am finally to meet someone of my own level and standard.
It is where we can start to grow a love full of laughter and happiness.