Lately there are a lot of men talking to me.
Conversations I am having, mainly because they want to say something.
I can’t really say that I am listening, but I am trying my best.
At least to be there.
I mean, I am not always there with my mind, because sometimes it is hard to follow what they are saying.
However it was one of the last conversations I had, with one of ‘these men’, that gave me some epiphany.
I can’t really say how it came this far, to me it sounded like there was something missing.
Of course this is not the finding of that conversation.
It was someone I had met a while back, perhaps even a year from the moment we were talking again.
That he found me attractive was quite obvious.
Where he wanted to do things with me, was soft to say a compliment.
This hadn’t changed from the last time I saw him and I found that quite assuring.
Because where things might be still the same after all that time, it could be there is a lesson is hiding.
He invited me over a couple of times.
I declined.
However we kept running into each other and there wasn’t anything I could really do about that.
So I thought, perhaps there is something for me to find, to think about and even process.
Thus the conversations kept on going.
Not just with him, but also with those other men who had something to say to me.
It wasn’t something I asked for or I had put out there, for them wanting to speak with me.
Even if I wanted, I couldn’t prevent it, or make it stop.
There was for sure something in the air I was catching.
Perhaps it wasn’t about what they were saying or what they were intending.
I felt my senses were at ease and I could resist their wantings.
I wasn’t defending myself, nor was I trying to leave those conversations.
Patiently, I let them finish what they wanted to speak up about.
If that was the case.
This is where I had the epiphany and learned my lesson.
When waiting for them to finish their sentences.
I found the time to come back to myself and could clearly see what was happening.
My immunity was rising and I could protect myself.
Where before I wasn’t able to do that.
It was the purpose of these conversations.
For me to learn I can handle these kinds of situations.
A lesson well learned.
While I was still waiting for them to finish the conversation, I had a feeling.
That one day I perhaps no longer have to do this, have these conversations.
I mean that in the highest light.
Everything has its tax and when it is full it will make way for a new experience.
Perhaps that already starting to appear with this story.
I can’t really say how and what will happen exactly.
But it is just the last epiphany of that moment, listening to those men, waiting for them to be done talking.
I think one day I will again have a certain conversation that shows my immunity for men wanting something from me that I can’t give.
Speaking to me, just for their own sake.
Being an asshole, as some of them really are.
I can’t say if it is something that is missing in them or a lack of something else.
But this has really been a large chapter in my love life.
Men hitting on me for no reason, trying to get something from me, to fill their own cup.
Draining my energy by talking to me.
Blocking and preventing me from having a conversation with someone who actually understands what I am saying.
That they shouldn’t bother me.
However, I was thinking. Perhaps daydreaming, second guessing or even wishfull thinking.
In that moment of me talking with a man, having a conversation where they are basically wasting my time, will be noticed by someone passing or overhearing this conversation.
Because what we need to hear, our ears will always listen to that.
At least of how I perceive the world and how I am living it.
That is the moment where this person can step in.
However, he isn’t there to save me, because that is not the point.
It is an intervention of that conversation that allows me to no longer have to protect myself.
With him doing that, he is stepping in a light, where those men understand that I am taken.
By a man that is way too much for them.
Not to say stronger or fitter.
But someone that can take care of the situation.
The same as me, but just different.
An ending of a time where I am finally to meet someone of my own level and standard.
It is where we can start to grow a love full of laughter and happiness.