The tears that fell on my pillow were soft.
I think only a couple actually made it that far.
Some others made their way over my cheek.
One stayed close to my ear.
I could feel it tingle just a bit.
I was too tired to whipe them away.
The drama has unfolded it by itself.
The tears on my face, I perhaps wanted to keep.
It was a thought that had made me weep.
Or actually an short video I had seen.
About an artist.
A woman, I didn’t know.
She was speaking words, of how she was exhibiting her art.
A thankfullnes she pronounced.
She spoke of artists, that are out there and some of them never being exposed.
Hidden from the crowd. Never to be seen.
My eyes had started to swell, as it was my hearts desire to model.
Was I this art piece never to be seen?
Some I had done.
Shoots and walks.
The memory of my last rejection, came to the surface.
It had made me stop thinking about modeling as a career for me.
Ever since this rejection I had put it in the back of my mind.
Many reasons I gave of that I don’t think it is for me.
Too old, wrinkles, not the right body.
Mainly that I wasn’t good enough.
A self sacrifice I was making.
What else could it be?
The negativity had taken hold of me.
Where I had started doubting myself, because I was rejected.
But although I wasn’t the right fit for that agency.
Something I also realized myself.
After a long time contemplating about the words they had written to me.
I will not go into detail, of what it is they had said.
As the words were said to me directly.
However, it is the way a rejection is being put on paper, that can really make a change in someone’s life.
In my case, for me to give up my dream.
Of something that I already was.
Proven by shoots and walks I had already performed.
Although not from an offical agency.
And that was a dream that I was pursuing.
To be represented by an agency, for me to make a decent living.
The message I want to be read, is that rejections should never take away someone’s feeling to become what they dream of.
In my opinion, then the rejection is going too far.
And although I guess rejections are there for a reason.
It should never cause for someone to doubt who they are or for them to not follow their dreams.
I want to iterate that.
Because the rejection I experienced, was leading to more than a bad taste in my mouth, almost taking away my existence.
It wasn’t just a rejection, but they had given me the feeling there was a possibility for me to have a contract.
It is this that made the rejection more painfull.
Making it in a way personal, that I wasn’t a right fit.
A simple, ‘Thank you for your application, we are currently not looking for models in this range’, I would have understood.
Or at least they should have given me something, so I wouldn’t be hanging on a string.
Because they had send me a personal message, showing there was interest and they needed to investigate it further.
Which was raising an expectation.
But they should have done this already, before having contact with me in any way.
There was enough time to not act.
Because this is how agencies work. I have found out.
They are not obliged to anything, which I believe is for everyone’s protection.
But that doesn’t mean that you can just do whatever you feel like is appropiate.
And in my opinion this wasn’t that.
I don’t know what more they could have said. As I am not on that side of the paper. Not working for them.
However, the way I just said it, they would have kept it to themselves.
Not making me feel less that I am.
And I believe especially in a world where it is to make money with your physicall appearance this is important.
Better to say, they could have continued on growing an agency with the right fits for themselves.
By rejecting in a different way.
To me, a missed opportinity for them.
And it made me realize I don’t want to be represented as a model for these kind of agencies.
They don’t have the best interest of taking care of the situation.
After their rejection, I had decided to take a break and focus on other things.
Shortly after this Corona had started and it gave me time to work on myself.
At least this is how I interpretated this intermezzo of not being able to do things we normally could.
Although I had burried that dream of being a model.
It made me focus on other things and opening up for other dreams.
The writing came to the surface.
Where I don’t have to look anything.
I can be as ugly I want to be.
Not that I am.
Just taking advantage of the situation.
Seeing the positive side of the spectrum.
But as my job at the office is reminding me there is world out there.
That I perhaps even can call home.
Something in me is lingering and I wonder.
Is it standing in front of a camera?
Walking the distance of a catwalk?
A place I don’t have to speak?
Or where I can let the words of this paper speak for me?
It is that something in me started to open up.
After a long and dark road I had walked.
Due to the words they had said.
By myself, with nobody around.
I believe I never felt so many tears.
As a new dawn started to awaken in myself.
Where I started to have the energy to whipe away these tears.
Something that came rising from the death.
Where I was thinking.
Perhaps I don’t belong to this crowd, that being exposed will never be.
For the simple fact that a rejection can not tear down on me.