For a long time I have wondered. ‘Did my father love my mother?’
It wasn’t a random question.
In relationships I always felt so in love with the other person.
It wasn’t something that was painful.
I was loving secretly.
A deep love that I never expressed, never wanted to share. Not even to the other person involved.
Not to keep it a secret, but it was something that only belonged to me and something I could fall back on. Always.
An unknown foundation, I didn’t feel the need of sharing.
Just experiencing the beautifullness all by myself.
Perhaps I even had this for purpose. For me to stay in these relationships.
An unknown way of bonding, without the other person knowing.
I always took this feeling as something that was connected to me.
This deep felt love that kept me staying.
But I also felt in many relationships that the other person didn’t love me.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want them to love me or that they needed me to secretly love me too.
It wasn’t something that I wanted to be equal.
But the fact of not being loved by many partners kept me thinking.
Where did it come from that I would always love this other person so deeply, but that the other person didn’t love me back?
Did my father ever love my mother?
Was this a family bond I was carrying?
Was the feeling on not being loved connected to the love my parents shared and had?
If at all they did.
I mean, many partners don’t love each other and stay, for many reasons.
Which for me is not interesting to know.
I rather know if my father loved my mother.
Both of them have already passed away.
And if he didn’t love my mother, is this the reason that I found myself many times with partners that didn’t love me?
Was I haunted by an unknown family secret?
Curshed by a secret love spell?
Or is this something unknown and only specifically connected to me?
A deeper life purpose that is revealing?
Not only for me to find out, but also to set something straight?
To break a cycle in my family for me to continue living?