‘What is a connection for you?’
It was a conversation I had.
‘I never had many girlfriends’.
‘I mean, in every woman I was always looking if it was the mother of my children.’
Whilst saying this, he’s looking at the ceiling and gently moving his wedding ring on his finger.
‘Even when it comes to ‘best friends’.
I don’t have a particular ‘Best Friend’.
His tone of voice was a bit more firm, his eyes still focused on the ceiling.
Not that the answers were found there.
Just the comfort of the position he was laying.
Sometimes he took his phone in his hand.
I couldn’t tell if it was something he needed to see or respond to.
I was massaging his feet.
‘I have several friends and I don’t have one best friend.
‘People think that that is weird, but I know I can speak with one friend about this, and with the other friend about other things’.
‘Sometimes it’s my wife, sometimes my father’.
‘One particular ‘Best Friend’, I don’t have.
Is what he said again.
He meant it in a way of the traditional ‘one best friend’, you discuss everything with, all your life stories, insecurities, secrets, perhaps even mysteries.
‘You just know where to get your ‘information’ and ‘answers’, I told him.
‘And maybe you just don’t need to have a ‘one best friend’, and that’s ok.
‘If this is a way you can live, it’s sustainable’, I added.
My mind went back to what he had said earlier.
About that he never had many girlfriends, as he was ‘always’ looking for the mother of his children.
How did he know she was the mother of his children?
My mind showed me a guy that I had ‘contact’ with, for some time.
Nothing real. Nothing connected to love.
Was my mind showing me the father of my children?
Was it sure I was supposed to get children in the first place?
With this guy in particular?
I was thinking about the conversation I had earlier.
If he was only looking for the mother of his children, didn’t he miss out on other connections that could also give him something?
‘But perhaps you just needed to have a stable family life first’.
Something I had told him in the conversation.
And an answer to my own question.
But should we marry the partner we have children with?
Is that an aspect of marriage?
Is marriage connected to that?
And should it be like that?
Is that something we think is socially accepted and think we are supposed to be doing?
Or is it an action out of fear of rejection?
That we are not loved?
Will that kind of marriage bring the love we need to grow the life that is good for us?
My mind continued questioning.
If we know that there is a connection.
A person, a conversation, a movie, that can bring us further in life.
That is something worth living for.
I was seeing Morpheus break free from his chair in my third eye.
Looking at Neo.
His eyes, red, sweat on his forehead, his shirt soaking wet.
‘Being all knowing, that’s boring’.
It was what someone said to me in a different conversation.
A different guy.
‘Is it really?’ I asked.
‘If you already know it’s going to be a good night’.
‘Couldn’t that knowing actually add to joy?’
It is a lot that my mind is keeping occupied.
But what I think that the conclusion is to the meetings and conversations I had.
That it doesn’t really matter what it is you are looking in love.
Sometimes we know, what it is we want.
Sometimes it isn’t.
The important thing is that we learn how to deal with the circumstances of the connections and people that are coming our way.
Because that is to me, also a part of love.