‘I am done with it’, I mean really done with it!’
Her voice was loud and I could hear the frustration.
I was listening to what my friend was saying and trying to make sense of what she meant.
‘You mean with Alex?’ I asked calm.
‘Yes, I am really done with it!’
She was almost shouting now.
My mind was going back to a few weeks back, when she had told me that she really wanted to be together with him.
A few weeks before that, she didn’t want to have anything to do with him.
‘What happened? ‘I asked.
‘He’s just a boy!’
She still said with a loud voice.
Almost angry.
‘So immature!’
‘And I knew from the beginning’.
‘And I decided to be with him’.
‘I gave him everything’.
‘The sex wasn’t even good, anyway’.
‘Why?!’
I could hear the desperation in her voice.
She really needed to have an answer.
It felt to me she was punishing herself.
That she had done something wrong.
‘He’s attractive’. I told her.
‘I mean, he has something wild’.
‘It’s attractive’.
‘Even this ‘boyish’, that he is younger than you, like you want to take care of him’.
‘I felt it too’, I said to her.
‘But he has issues’.
‘He’s undermining women’.
‘Immediately ‘attacking’, he’s trying to put down everything you say’.
‘Also that he knows everything better’.
She stopped talking, trying to catch some breath.
Her voice was a little less loud now.
It is were I could step in and say what I thought was appropiate.
‘It’s his own insecurity’, is how I started.
‘A cover, a protection mechanism, so he doesn’t have to’.
‘Doesn’t have to face his own fears’.
I had stopped talking.
‘But I knew he was much younger, and I just knew, everything, I just knew and I still went after him’.
Her head was facing down, when she said this to me.
‘It’s not that you are stupid’. I told her.
‘You are a Taurus’, it’s just who you are.
‘You just go after things, like a bull and then realize..
‘Ohh.. The flag isn’t red’.
‘It’s not a bad thing’, just who you are’.
I said this still in a calm way to her.
‘To have this bullseye is beautiful, you just need to control your anger’.
‘I think bulls are really harmless, but can be triggered easily and the only thing they know is to just run’. ‘Perhaps also out of protection’.
I left it in the middle, what I meant by protection.
It wasn’t necessarily a question.
She was silent for a moment.
Then she started nodding her head.
And then she started to laugh.
‘You are so right!’ Is what she said.
‘I have a bit the same’, I continued.
‘I am a Saggitarius’.
‘Sometimes I just aim my arrow and then I miss or I run after it and then along the way I realize.
‘Ohh…, this isn’t for me!”
‘It’s funny..’
I started to laugh also.
Sometimes you just need to laugh about it, I thought.
Just the beauty of finding out what you like and who you are.
A process of discovery.
A lesson to be learned or a realization of what to do or what not to do anymore.
My friend looked out of the window.
‘The music is very loud in this place’, she said.
‘I am going to sit here’.
She placed her chair a bit closer to mine.
I could feel she was at ease.
In a better place.
Not so angry anymore.
Or blaming herself for the relationship that didn’t work out, she had hoped.
Then I said.
‘But you know the real question is why you go after a guy that’s unreachable’.
‘That’s what he is, and that’s what you knew, from the beginning’.
She was quiet.
Letting the words I said come to her.
‘It’s a hidden pain you are avoiding, something you don’t want to face yourself’.
‘The feeling that you are not loved and that this kind of guy is what you deserve and is what you are allowing yourself’.
‘Not to blame you, but just to point out of where you can make a change’.
‘To make you aware of it and that the next time you can make another choice or at least have the chance to make another choice’.
‘And even if you don’t think it, you really are loved’.