I don’t really know what it started.
That I was having these thoughts.
For a second it felt like I was having feelings.
For this other person.
But when I felt deeper, they weren’t there.
I don’t know if that was a good thing.
However I was glad I didn’t have any feelings for this person.
Perhaps I had these thoughts just to make sure I was looking deeper.
To rule out that there was something that could lead to something.
I don’t know what further more these thoughts meant.
But I was thinking about what attracted me to him.
I could feel we were similar in our beings.
A lost soul I once was and I could see the same sadness in his eyes.
It was something when he spoke to me.
He told me his pain, that I could hear in his voice.
A certain vulnerability he showed only with his words.
I could see that there was something more that was meeting the eye.
Perhaps he felt that I was the only one that listened.
However he was speaking to a lot of people.
But it wasn’t just that all of a sudden he started to speak to me in an emotional way.
He was testing the water for many months and seeing how far he could go with me.
He does this with many people.
Some insecurity and perhaps also ignorance.
Then I would just call him out on his bullshit.
Even in front of other people, to make sure I was building respect.
I never thought deeper than this.
I saw him as someone for me to grow and gain resistance.
But then all of a sudden, it appeared to me that I was building a relationship with him.
Because when it comes to boys and men in general, they see how far they can go.
Seeking to cross the boundaries.
For some reason I surpassed this with him, because I saw him just as a tool and didn’t take him seriously.
In the meantime I was taming this beast in him.
In a natural manner.
I don’t know if that is what he wanted, but I believe that is something that is welcome.
Because in one of his stories I understand that life happened to him, because he couldn’t control his anger. Although I also understood that most of his anger wasn’t even his.
His emotions have been an issue to him.
And when I was listening to what he was telling me, I had so many ideas on how to solve this problem.
But with not taking him too seriously, he was developing feelings on his own.
When I told him that I was leaving, I could hear he was sad.
And when I think of it, I am also a bit lost with my feelings now I am going.
I am also not the same person anymore, before I started gaining resistance.
But I am going to Lisbon, there are things for me to experience there and the only way to develop this on its own. If this is anything serious.
Is by going.