My homework for this week from my psychologist is to write about my emotions.
And god I hate that.
Speaking about emotions.
Every time my psychologist asks about my emotions or something emotional I become defensive.
I don’t know why it is such a problem for me.
So when she told me that my homework for the next counseling session was to write about my emotions, I asked her a question.
There are different ways to feel attacked I guess.
Or that we feel the need to defend ourselves.
Don’t know if these are really the same thing.
However they can be related I think.
My question to my psychologist was :
“If I write down that : I am afraid.”
“Does that mean that it is emotional?”
The answer is not that important for this story.
However she did give one to me.
It was more that this answer I was looking for, was not necessary for me to know now.
And I could see when I was better.
Something she told me, along those lines.
That is where I rested the case, and gave up my defeat.
Perhaps for the better.
Life can be a bit hard sometimes.
At least how my life is at the moment.
Also, there wasn’t any time left for me to talk.
Since the counseling session was ending.
By that time.
I was not able to get out of my homework.
I guess I am just feeling afraid.
And that is no wonder, since I was being attacked in my house.
The reason why, doesn’t seem to be so important for me anymore.
Which just shows the progress in my healing trajectory.
Angry I have been.
I felt undone.
I hadn’t any hope for the future and was experiencing a great disappointment.
This is what feeling undone means, according to google.
The way I wrote it down is just in my own words.
I guess that is just ok.
And that is another emotion I am feeling.
I think at least it is an emotion.
To feel ok.
But yes, fear and being afraid are the most dominant feelings, in this story of what happened to me.
Angry also.
I felt numb, not in the mood to do anything.
Not even wanting to go out of bed.
The world outside didn’t bother me anymore.
If it has a color it would be gray.
Depressed I was.
At the same time I didn’t feel understood.
I mean, it was clear that I was angry at him.
I yelled at this person.
Because he had done things with purpose.
Several times.
And this was the 4th of 5th time.
What he said when I confronted him about it?
He said : “I am not going to stop doing that”.
I think he did understand me.
That I was angry at him.
That is what his answer was telling me.
To go over my emotions.
I even started to shout at him, just shortly before he gave that punch in my face.
That he needed to go away.
“Go away!”
“Go away!”
I repeated it several times.
More than two times at least.
This was not shouting out of anger or fear.
But out of protection.
For myself.
I believe his mind was already made up.
Long before it came to this meeting with me and him.
Since he also already made up, he wasn’t going to stop what he was doing.
His actions were proof of that.
And that is what I think is important for me to know.
That I don’t have any blame in this.
Another emotion I was feeling.
Nor anything to regret that I could have done different.
But yeah, to take a punch for something that has nothing to do with me, is a lot.
Because he just wasn’t going to stop what he wanted to do.
Metaphorical speaking everything was an explosion of feelings.
Because it means one thing that someone hits you in the face.
Then there is trauma and the physical, emotional and mental reaction to that.
And that is quite something.
Not to be underestimated.
What I realized with writing all of this down, is that his mind and behavior was already decided by him.
He did what he did, is what I am trying to say.
He punched me in the face, just because that is what he wanted to do.
And he wasn’t going to stop as a way to that destination.
His dream came true.
His wish fulfilled.
I am happy that I could help him there.
Be the person that could take that.
Take that punch in my face.
Simply, because I can.
I am a sagittarius, a wounded warrior.
At least the meaning of this sign in tarot cards.
And this is where I can let go.
With the knowledge that he left my world because of his behavior.
It is where I start to feel safe again.
I guess that is the best emotion of all.