I am struggling with words.
Not able to speak properly.
Stuttering, forgetting what I was saying or just not knowing the words anymore.
And that does something to me.
“I am not going to speak anymore”.
Something I told myself.
A long time ago.
I didn’t want to share my words.
Because talking is energy.
It is a cost, is what I believe.
What can I buy from that?
I mean, people that I was surrounded by didn’t understand what I was saying.
Didn’t even make an effort to even try what I was trying to.
And that is really what it was.
A sentence that wasn’t supposed to end like that.
But who cares really about that?
So, I didn’t say anything anymore.
Perhaps even holding this anger.
I was very young when all of this happened.
To the world that doesn’t seem to be understanding anything.
But as I walk around.
Going for my coffee or to the metro.
A walk in the park or when I come home after dark.
A walker I am.
Of my own world.
I understand that when people do not understand me.
Or understanding in general.
That has nothing to do with me personally.
It is bound to the system they live in or perhaps just who they are from the inside.
Nothing they can really do about.
And that is the nicest thing I can say, really.
Just to leave it with them, that they didn’t take the effort to try to understand me.
It makes it easier for me to express myself again.
To talk and say what I wanted.
Still it took some time for me to get there.
To talk.
That is quite hard to do.
It was again something I said.
To myself.
“If I ever got sick, I needed to be able to say what was wrong with me”.
For the simple fact that people don’t know or can’t see.
What is wrong.
And this is the start for me that I started talking.
Or at least to try to make myself understandable.
I was later in life when I decided this.
But how to start from that?
It is a long road.
And there is not an ending in sight.
However it doesn’t matter to me.
It is a choice I once made and so I can only move forward.
Or at least that is what I think I am doing.
So, in case you wonder, it did happen I had to go to the doctor.
That is what this was all about.
To be able to at least say what was wrong with me.
My reason for learning to speak and making myself clear.
However, it wasn’t that long ago.
A year ago, it was.
The only thing was that the doctor didn’t speak my language.
I didn’t think about it, when I had decided to learn to speak against the odds I had experienced with people not understanding me.
But there I was, at the doctor’s office.
She kept on talking and I was just looking at her.
Not understanding anything she was saying.
‘Great’, is what I was thinking.
And not in the way it was looking good.
I mean, I did try to talk to explain what was wrong with me.
Speaking was just not the way to find out.
A different language was the reason for that.
Sick, I was.
That was sure.
I still have the pictures, if you want to know if it is a true story.
And so I took my phone and typed in some words.
I put it in a translator and showed the doctor.
She was sitting across from me.
Only a white table was in between me and her.
A computer was standing on top of it.
She looked at my phone.
And read the words in her own language.
She talked back, but I still didn’t understand.
At least we were starting to understand what my health problem was.
The doctor was a woman of older age.
I don’t know if she was friendly, but she looked like a doctor.
With a white coat and some glasses.
She seemed to understand me and that was the only thing that was important.
Although we didn’t speak.
We couldn’t understand each other.
In silence she tested my heartbeat.
Took her stethoscope and made some noises she was inhaling and exhaling.
For me to follow her sound.
She waited for me to end the breathing.
She went behind her computer and although I never saw what she did.
She never showed me, nor turned her screen to me.
I think she also used a translator for her to tell me what I had.
I only know, because she said something in the language I could understand.
Or at least among those lines.
Not that I knew what it meant.
Just that she knew what to give me.
A recipe with a prescription I could take from the farmacy.
And that is where I went after I had left the hospital.
My intention of learning to speak didn’t fall from this experience.
I mean, I guess this can just happen.
When I made that decision I didn’t think I was going to see a doctor that wasn’t able to speak English.
It was just an exception to that rule.
That can happen.
The world of words is something I am learning.
Exploring and finding its edges.
Where I am now is that I don’t think much about what other people are thinking about what I am saying.
I don’t mean that in a negative way.
It is just a way of expressing myself.
I just don’t think much about it.
I let the words come out as they go.
Have them live their own life.
I am the vessel for them.
The rest I leave up to the world that is outside of me.
I leave them up in the air.
For others to act upon and do what they want to do with them.
Acting according to what they feel is right.
I have learned that what I say, people respond to that.
The way I intended it.
A confirmation that my words are right.
Or at least, that people understand.
I guess it is the same difference.
It was once during an artwork shop that I attended where we had to express things that were written down on a piece of paper.
The expression of the words would be a story, we were to perform.
Nervous, I was.
My word to express without saying was ‘lightbulb’.
Don’t ask me why.
Difficult, it felt to me.
To express that in a performance.
I managed to do that.
Afterwards a girl came to me.
I don’t know if it was intended for her to say it like she meant it.
Or that we were just in a conversation and this is where she dropped that sentence.
It could also be that I had asked her if it was for them, the audience, to understand what I was performing.
She said something like : “it was obvious what you were trying to show us”.
I felt relieved to hear that.
An assurance that I needed to feel, also.
It was something that has stuck with me ever since.
That people can understand without using words.
That is what I learned from that art performance.
A relief on my breath and energy.
Because talking is just that.
Now I don’t always have to use words for people to understand me.
And while writing it down, it sounds so easy.
It makes so much sense.
Still, it is not that easy in real life.
It was confirmed to me that what I try to say, or express and even when I just don’t know the words, people still do understand.
To follow the words of this girl I once met : “It is obvious”.
And with saying that my heart is at ease.
I feel I can breathe again a little bit more.
Perhaps my words will also come back again.
Not just here on paper, but in full sentences when I speak.
Without stuttering or forgetting what I had said.
The reason I am writing is to train my brain, perhaps even memory.
Because I am still a bit forgetful and I read somewhere that writing can help heal that.
Writing is taking out the speed for my brain to make it understanding.
Reading does the same thing, in case you were wondering.
Talking and thinking is a fast energy.
The opposite of all of this is silence.
Silence is a world I already know.
Even easy to me.
I just don’t talk or say anything.
Easy like that.
But as I have experienced, silence doesn’t get me far.
Just closer to myself.
And at the moment that is a bit painful.
That is what ‘silence’ is telling me.
Or just what I am feeling.
‘Silence’ is reminding me I am not able to speak properly, forgetting words or what I was doing.
Standing in the middle of a room and not understanding how I got there.
It is bringing tears to my eyes.
Silence is ok to be, but to constantly feel I can’t speak or do things I used to do is too intense for me.
A break from that is welcome.
And so I try again to speak.
I hope to be back on that horse soon.
To further explore the world of words.
Once I am there, I will tell you all about it, in full colors.
I hope you are ok with that.
There can be so many reasons why we think we are not heard, seen or understood.
I know that from experience.
But perhaps it can give relief that in fact that isn’t true.
People do, understand, hear and see.
And it can be by different circumstances that we think that people don’t.
For example because of the situation we are in, or just the mood that is there.
Occupied with things that aren’t ours.
Busy in our own world, is another way to describe that.
However, that doesn’t have to be negative, sometimes it is just like that.
With saying that, it is still important that people hear what you are saying.
It is more than healing.
It gives existence to us as humans.
That you are there.
“Hello, I guess”.
“It is nice to meet you”.
That is what it is saying when people hear what you are saying.
Saying this, I am also learning that most of the time it is not my problem when I am not heard the way I had in mind or expected.
I don’t mean that in a negative way.
Just that it isn’t my problem as such.
Perhaps not even of other people involved.
It is a way to let go of something that can cause a block.
Something we don’t need.
In general.
There can be many factors, we are not heard in this way.
When others don’t hear what we are saying.
Yes.
It can happen because of the situation they are in, or just the mood that is there.
Occupied with things that aren’t theirs.
Busy in their own world, is another way to describe that.
To say, it doesn’t matter if we experience from the inside, as a thought, we are not heard.
That example when I was little and people didn’t understand me and I started to think that.
Or from the outside, that people actually don’t understand us, as for example with the doctor that I didn’t speak the same language with.
The reasons for not being understood and heard can be the same.
But of course every situation is different.
The message here, is that it isn’t your fault when you are not understood or heard.
But it happens sometimes, that with purpose people don’t understand the words we say or speak.
That is a different genre and can cause wounds.
Perhaps even break our hearts.
Not to make you afraid.
Just to let know it is there.
Or to make it notice.
I just hope that doesn’t happen to you.
I can tell from experience that this isn’t nice.
Soft to say.
In this case it says something about the other person.
You can fill in for yourself what that can be.
I have met a few of those people.
Perhaps when we meet in real life, we can talk about it.
I mean trauma is a way to bond or we can just share our experiences with negative people.
I hope our meeting is healing and we keep in contact, perhaps even stay close to each other, after that.
We’ll have to see when that moment arrives.
What I was trying to say is that words are a world of my own.
Not only the way I talk, speak, express and the things I write.
Pronounce to make sense of what I think needs to be said by me.
It was a choice I made a long time ago
To learn to speak.
So people would understand what was wrong with me, in case I needed to go to a doctor.
Don’t ask me why this was so important for me.
I was young when I had decided that.
It is I rest my heart, that even when I am not able to say or express, people still understand.
In whatever way that is.
Perhaps with knowing this, it is a way for me to heal from what I am now experiencing with not being able to speak properly.
Whatever the cause is.
To not bind this to the person that made this happen.
To leave it open for healing to occur.
The only thing left for me to say is that I am happy to know this now.
That people still understand what I am saying, without me using words.
The irony is that I wrote a full story.
I guess, I am just grateful for this experience.
Which I will take with me in my cabinet of rarities.