I don’t know if it was the change of the weather, as it was raining a lot for a few days.
I was feeling somewhat depressed.
Perhaps it was this weather reflecting my mood.
Or just my own senses that were going underneath the surface to keep me dry from the rain.
The last 6 months there have been many changes and my birthday is coming up in a few months.
I will be 39.
Another year on the horizon and also time to close some chapters.
Perhaps I am just tired from all the things I have been experiencing.
Not able to pause and unwind.
Although I know it was for my own good, to grow and become.
The tiredness was a way my body made me notice, to keep me on track.
To prepare for something I am feeling intuitively.
I just don’t know how to get there.
Being a bit lost in my own world, here.
And this lingering feeling, to not know how, is making me feel a bit down.
But life isn’t that bad.
That aside, I was looking around.
Looking over the river in Lisbon, enjoying the view.
Drinking my cocktail and eating some good food.
To keep my heart strong and my spirit alive.
It is that I was looking and watching people.
Couples holding hands.
Giving each other a kiss on their cheek.
To be close in public.
Or just sitting silent next to each other, like me, enjoying the view.
It was where the lower feelings I had were leaving and I was happy just in that moment.
An entourage where the world was passing by, not minding me sitting there.
Me having this moment.
They really couldn’t care less.
At the same time it was where I was trying to understand why I was there alone.
Not with a lover or date.
I was with people that I like, but not someone special.
Not a depressed feeling that crawled over me, but a spark of lightness was released.
A sense of Kundalini energy that raised on my back.
I didn’t even knew that this existed.
That it could happen in a place like this, instead on a yoga mat.
‘What a great feeling’, I thought.
And I laughed just a little.
I don’t think anyone noticed.
Although it was so crowded there.
It wasn’t that I thought that people were too occupied with their own things.
And perhaps they were.
But it is where I was getting this epiphany that I was in the wrong box.
Being surrounded by so many people, I was clearly seeing that people are with their own kind.
When it comes to drinking, talking or just hanging around.
Perhaps even more, I can’t really tell.
SInce I am not that kind.
The people that I was seeing.
Expats, Digital Nomads, Freelancers, Students, Tourists, Bartenders and Lost souls (just the way I call them, don’t ask me why).
None of them that I felt were fitting to me.
Although I have been some.
A student, tourist and expat.
The last one I am not sure about, but I think I was one.
But that is a story for another time.
‘Perhaps I am still single, because I am in the wrong box of people’.
‘Or because I am not in any box at all’.
Something I was thinking.
A thought I had since I am not really fitting in that box of the people that I was surrounded by at that moment.
Which I believe is a good representation of how the world looks and how we know it.
‘Then it is hard to find someone of my own kind’.
Just being my own Sherlock here.
And yes, I laughed about this just a little.
To say that I am not so much looking in the wrong places, but perhaps just a fish in the wrong sea or ocean.
Like finding Nemo.
Trying to find my way home.
Luckily I have my memory.
However I don’t exactly know what the movie is really about.
So I googled it.
It says there that the main theme in this movie is friendship.
There are many different forms of friendship, but one thing they all have in common is that there are two sides to it: giving and receiving.
Perhaps I needed to know this.
To come back, with me sitting there.
Experiencing all these experiences by just sitting there looking over the river, it is that I was thinking, ‘I shouldn’t be here on my own’.
‘But perhaps I should’, I was quickly thinking after that first thought.
I don’t know why I was thinking like that.
Perhaps I am just the first one that is arriving here.
It could be possible.
And it isn’t that I should look at other people, but people should look at me.
Just changing the narrative of the story.
Wherever it is that I am.
Which world I am living in.
Whatever it is.
I hope true love is found here.
Just a dream I have.
For me to bring people over.
The unlovables, the ones afraid to fall in love or like me the hopeless romantics with their heads in the clouds.
If I am happy to be here? I don’t know.
I am just here by myself.
I have to be a bit longer here, for me to give you an answer.
Or just explore it a bit deeper.
But for now, it looks good.
And I am feeling fine.
Thanks for asking.
It feels a bit like heaven.
Heaven on earth.
A good place to be is what I can say.
And while pausing it just there, I am thinking : ‘perhaps I should find someone that wants to be with me in this place?’
I don’t really know if that is a question.
‘Wouldn’t that be great?’
I was thinking out loud.
As for my recollection, there isn’t anyone else in this place where I am.
I think by now I would have noticed.
My senses are that strong.
But first I will give it a name.
Like all new things that are born.
To understand where it is that I am.
As a foundation to build further on.
And I will call it the box of love.