I don’t know if it was the change of the weather, as it was raining a lot for a few days.
I was feeling somewhat depressed.
Perhaps it was this weather reflecting my mood.
Or just my own senses that were going underneath the surface to keep me dry from the rain.
The last 6 months there have been many changes and my birthday is coming up in a few months.
I will be 39.
Another year on the horizon and also time to close some chapters.
Perhaps I am just tired from all the things I have been experiencing.
Not able to pause and unwind.
Although I know it was for my own good, to grow and become.
The tiredness was a way my body made me notice, to keep me on track.
To prepare for something I am feeling intuitively.
The last days have been weird.
I really can’t put a different word to it.
It was a lost love that made this happen.
Or just a name that I am giving him.
One of many names that I called him.
And for some reason I am feeling a bit sad that this is a name that I have to add to this list of names.
Why I can’t really say.
Just a deeper feeling that something is unfinished.
‘Why are you single?’
This question had been popping up in different ways.
Only because it was showing at least 3 times it made me realize I needed to find an answer.
It was something that kept my mind occupied.
And that I couldn’t find the words on how to say or even express it.
So, this is what I normally do whenever something like this happens.
I just sit and let the words speak by themselves. Letting my fingers be the extension of what it is that wants to be said on paper.
That is the space the words would come out right.
But the most important thing for me to do, is not just to sit but find the time that there is nothing else.
No need to finish. No boundary of time.
Just me sitting in a space filled with only that.
Lately there are a lot of men talking to me.
Conversations I am having, mainly because they want to say something.
I can’t really say that I am listening, but I am trying my best.
To at least be there.
Of course I am.
Most of the time.
Not to insinuate something different.
Just that I am not always there with my mind, because sometimes it is hard to follow what they are saying.
I told myself that I am letting go of what I am.
Perhaps just for this story, to understand better, what it is I am meaning.
Or that I need a little bit more healing.
It is my mind that has been going back to a couple of years ago.
Where I was in a relationship but didn’t have the strength to let go of that person.
I don’t know if it is that I am getting comfortable with my age, however it is something that I am not identifying with.
Age, numbers, how it is we should behave.
I don’t know if this makes me look younger than I am.
I do have to say that I am young at heart, the same as my mind.
But it is the outside that counts, what it is that people perceive.
As that is the world that I have come to know. To be judged on the outside, so to speak.
Age has come to be in that box, of how we should be.
Distance creates attraction, is something I was thinking for some time.
It was that I took my distance for a while.
Mainly from people.
It wasn’t something that I was doing on purpose, but it just happened to be like that.
I went back to the Netherlands, leaving behind Lisbon how I knew it, due to circumstances.
I believe it was a process that happened automatically.
It was that I was in the Netherlands, seeing people literally from a distance.
The space between where I was in the past and the difference with the present was giving me time to have a look.
I believe it was a few months ago that I had no interest in looking at men.
Not that I was interested in women or wanting to explore that side.
It was just that I wasn’t looking at all.
It felt I needed to be in that place to see things in introspect and investigate something deeper to understand myself better.
I knew it had a purpose.
More about this in my story : ‘As long as you smile and not make big mistakes, all will be fine’.
That said, I believe I am coming out of a shell.
Working in a restaurant I see a lot of people.
Young, old, women, men, blondes and couples of every age and race.
‘A representation of the world’, someone once told me.
It never appeared to me like this or how I looked at it and it surprised me a little bit that this is what this person has said.
It is just to say, that there is much more happening than people just coming to eat some food.