It is a mental state that I am in.
Perhaps I have been here before, only not for this reason.
There is a lot out there when it comes to mental health.
An awareness to take care of ourselves.
The mental part is just one of them.
It makes me wonder how all of this is related to love.
When it comes the relationships, marriage, children and anything else.
A mental state doesn’t always say anything about us.
It isn’t always personal, although it comes through like this.
It is connected to circumstances and situations that make our thoughts go wild.
Just as an example.
But of course, mental problems aren’t always as light as I am saying it right here.
Mental problems can be something severe and should be dealt with accordingly.
This is where I want to write, something I put down as a note.
‘When in a relationship of any kind, men who are emotionally and mentally unstable can influence in a negative way and can leave emotional and mental scars to women.
In extention to that it can fuck up the perspective of life and even lead to suicidal thoughts’.
I have had those encounters with men, where they are only going after that one thing.
Something I am describing in my story : ‘Love is a hunting game’.
It is a perspective that I have developed.
Due to those men.
Not specific to the ones I describe in that story.
But those with a mental and emotional capacity that is not for the light to see.
Their behavior has brought me down in many ways.
Until the point where I am now.
Not only a state of my mind, but also a blurry vision.
The state of my mind has developed where I can’t see men in a positive form.
At least when it comes to dating or to have a relationship with.
Men are no good, if you would ask me.
My vision when it comes to men is dark as days and I will tell you why.
They told me lies for their own sake.
Put blame on my shoulder, to avoid taking their responsibility.
Named me names and spread them for people to hear someone I wasn’t.
Went behind my back with another girl or tried to be with me while they were already involved.
Used me as a shield for their own protection.
Making me feel worthless by the words they used.
Touched me at places without my consent.
Walked away with my pride, to tell other people how great they were.
Then smiled at me, like nothing ever happened.
One punched me in the face, but I have to say he was gay.
The other thought it was ok to harass me, because he didn’t get his way.
It is just a reality I have been facing and it is the first time this is seeing the light of day.
The way I am expressing what those men did, how my vision progressed and the thoughts it has caused me.
The mental state I have doesn’t come from me, but due to those people and events.
I wanted to ask God ‘Why?!’
I even shouted a little.
It stayed silent.
He didn’t provide me with an answer.
I guess that is the answer in its essence.
A deep silence to find my peace.
Where I can only accept that their behavior has caused me my mental state.
Not a blame I am spreading, letting you know who those men are.
I don’t want to be the hero to protect other girls from them.
That is beyond my own limits and not my purpose.
At least something I am believing.
I am no victim to those circumstances.
Also, it isn’t any kind of karma that I am carrying with me.
Or that needs to be released.
All I want to say is that I can’t see men in positive way.
Because this has happened to me, without any doubt and reason.
It has left me with a certain mental state.
My perspective of men is black as coffee.
When it comes to relationships, I will just stay far away from them and in my world they don’t exist.
To make sure that door is closed.
Where I would like to say that it can only be good behavior of a man that can reverse the way I see.
A love spell I am putting out there.
Perhaps there will be a man volunteering for this position, but I doubt he will.
For me to continue my journey of love, safe from any harm.