Many changes are happening and I don’t know if I am happy.
Let’s say for the story I am.
Perhaps I don’t know how I have to start writing.
‘Let me be your lover’.
A sentence, in my mind for some time.
I believe it has already been some years.
Not bound specific to someone in particular, it did consider a few different guys.
However, the one I am referring to, is married and with his first child.
Assuming he will have more.
Not something I necessarily want to think about.
I guess, these things happen.
The same when I saw him with his new girlfriend.
I have no clue where this memory of him came from, hidden in this sentence.
‘Let me be your lover’.
When all of this happened, she wasn’t in the picture.
You can imagine it has been a while ago.
It was a sadness I was feeling thinking of him.
Perhaps just something unresolved.
I remember the memory of him came back after I had counseling with my psychologist.
Not something I spoke about, or had to find an answer.
Resolve something, so to say.
A byproduct of counseling, to find something which can help us further.
All of a sudden he was there.
I am referring to that sadness and those memories, of a time passed already for a long time.
In my therapy session I spoke about my creativity, the way I was trying to find my ground.
A way to discover and develop that part of myself.
Perhaps even finding my own.
It felt great, I enjoyed it a lot.
When I look back at that time, I can only smile.
There was a sense of belonging to that group, to find my spot in that community.
But I couldn’t settle, I just didn’t fit it.
Although I felt good about the way I was expressing my creativeness.
A discovery of my own, where this community was too alternative for me.
I also told my psychologist.
Sometimes it is good to ventilate, even if it is much later than when it actually happens.
In that sense I wasn’t fitting in, and I was ok with that.
Like any relationship, perhaps even the one with ourselves, we find parts of ourselves which are just not for us.
This is where I met this person.
It was some time ago, yes.
There was something to it, to this person and I believe he did feel something.
However, he never said such a thing.
But when you know, you just know.
And that is where I went with him.
The beginning, middle and the end.
His heart was broken and then there was his best friend.
A nice girl, who took a lot of his attention.
There was no jealousy from my side.
I did try to mingle with her a couple of times or just standing next to them at a party.
Nothing was coming out of him.
I felt confused.
He invited me to do things together, we went shopping and he told me about his broken heart.
He was vulnerable with me.
‘Let me be your lover’, was appropriate to think.
And I felt it.
So, I didn’t understand he came in with her, his now wife and mother of his child.
I don’t know if he will have more with her.
But ok, I didn’t speak to him for a few months when they came in together.
I understand things can happen.
Surprised, I was.
Nonetheless.
I never questioned or had doubts about my own feelings for him.
I was just surprised to see them together all of a sudden.
Unexpected is not the right word, but perhaps you can call it that.
Where I left it with him.
This story is not so much about my feelings for him or this mystery surrounding the time I was spending with him. Nor that he came in with his new girlfriend all of a sudden.
I did feel hurt a little.
However, I found solace.
In the end this is a happy story.
Because at the same time, I was understanding this creative community wasn’t for me.
He found it was where he belonged and settled.
I think, because I saw him developing into settling down, it made me aware this community wasn’t for me.
A space where I was together with him, but at the same time found that distance.
Where we couldn’t be.
I wasn’t really sad about it at least, something which remained for all those years.
Where I found out I didn’t belong to that community.
From that point of view it made better sense to me, why he was all of sudden committed with her and had a child within a few years.
I believe when we make that way down and understand where we belong, perhaps even know what to call home.
A significant relationship comes in and the rest is just history.