Something is happening, I find it hard to express.
I can see my thoughts and everything connected with it.
However, nothing really happens.
I think for the better, where my life continues again.
Still, I have this feeling.
Is this really happening?
Where I would like leave that question.
For it to stay there, without an answer.
Without an answer, it will die.
Whatever might wants to be expressed.
There is some mystery, I know.
It could be some insecurity coming up.
Without answering it will either stay just there, or go away, by itself.
Because it is so dear to me, I find it hard.
Hard to write it down or even speak up.
Can you imagine that?
I am standing on a crossroad where there is no turning back.
Only left or right and perhaps the secret option of going forward.
I think I will choose the last one.
It is the beating of my heart waking me up.
From where my head is, somewhere in the clouds.
If you know me just a little, this is exactly where I like to be.
A nice place, but things are a bit cloudy.
I think you would find the same.
What my heart wants to express is where I am going.
I am standing on that crossroad.
Still.
It is not the choice I am facing.
Where to go or to make that turn.
Where I realize where I have been and where I am right now.
Not even speaking about a place where I am going.
It is good to know where to come from.
To know where to look ahead.
Which could even be a life lesson in itself.
Congratulations.
A word I say a lot.
It could even be something describing me.
This is where I am waking up, having the nerve to write down what I find hard to express.
It feels like the silence before the storm.
I am right there in the middle, so special to be here.
I can hardly believe it myself.
I made it to this place.
Tranquil and exciting, at the same time.
The reason why I want to write it down.
So, let me explain it a bit better.
Perhaps you know that feeling, you did your exams and need to wait for the outcome.
You know you already passed it, however you still need to get back the results.
To get that confirmation, you actually made it.
This not exactly how this feels.
Although I am coming quite close to it.
I feel there is a relationship coming my way, where I am even getting married to this person.
Apart from that, I don’t know anything.
Not a name, not even a face.
The only hint I am getting is I know this person already.
Which could even be a trick question.
Honestly, I don’t really want to get back with anyone I have been with.
I didn’t miss any opportunity in that field or something I would regret if I don’t do it.
I feel I am getting tested here, to see if I have to right tools.
For a love to happen.
The most important tool is I need to show my boundaries.
Don’t ask me why.
Why, it is so important.
I have to say it comes easily to me.
Perhaps how it should be.
Another tool of love is I should not be losing my head and be able to stand on my own two feet.
I have a tendency to be anxious and be nervous.
The last couple of months I have learned to be in control.
To be in control of what we can control is a way to stay with both feet on the ground and not get sinked in the imaginary.
A good tool to have, mainly for myself.
Again, don’t ask me why.
It makes the negative disappear where the positive remains.
Perhaps why I wasn’t in a relationship before, or not in a right one.
I was staying in a place too dark.
I am a sun shining person, that needs to shine her light.
I need to be in a good place with myself, to be able to do that.
Perhaps only in that place can I find that kind of relationship.
Anyway.
Before going to that new chapter of my life, I need to have the tools and inner wisdom, perhaps even knowledge to be sure to handle it.
To me it makes sense.
I mean, a relationship is two halves.
If something is missing it can become fragile.
If I am not able to stand my ground, have my boundaries, a certain immunity, resistance and inner tools to stay on my two feet.
It can become something toxic and not healthy.
There is already enough.
Why it is so important, is still a mystery to me.
Perhaps I will find out, along the way.
It is the recapitulation of what I have learned what brought me to this place.
Where I am standing, with my two feet.
Not on the edge of a cliff, gazing down.
Nor with my feet in the water, where I can not see what is surrounding me.
Just a road, where I can take different routes.
To know all will lead to the destination where I am going.
Wherever, all will be fine.
Even if I don’t pass these tests, I am facing.
To know all will be good, no matter what.
Because a relationship involves another person, with their own mind, heart and soul.
Thoughts, feelings and everything else invisible for the eye.
To say those are things we can not control and we can only do what is in line with our own good.
A path I have been walking, which took me to this crossroad.
I might just stay here for a little while, is what I am thinking.
I can take a little nap, or just sit here for some time.
Watching the birds flying over my head and seeing some trees in the far.
I am not staying out of comfort, just want to capture this moment with my heart.
Before I connect it with that person waiting.
Exciting is how I am feeling.
However, everything has its price.
Which means to me, I still need to do some things before it can happen.
I need to clean out my closet as an example.
I am going on a trip.
Not an imaginary one, but you know what I mean.
If we are going to a new place.
We need to have the appropriate look and belongings.
Leaving behind the old, making way for the new.
The rest I leave up to your imagination.
The fact is, I am slowly making my way and enjoying every moment of it.
Understanding this immense step I am taking, what an effort it has taken me.
What I have done to get this far.
Where I didn’t even start yet.
It is all so amazing.
Happy is the best way to describe this feeling.
However, it is not about the completion of these tests.
That would be still somewhat empty.
These test are an accumulation of experiences I gained and overcame.
Not necessarily for me to pass, but as a way to show.
That this is what I need to be doing, perhaps even finish.
To know I can handle situations with care and in an appropiate way.
Which is the end of that road.
Where this love is waiting for me and I will live happily ever after.