This boy always wanted to attend meetings because he feels lonely.
Something he told me, because I said I write stories.
Nothing much to see or find when I read that word.
Loneliness.
It feels almost empty when you look at it.
Nothing special, yet we know it is something.
It has something, perhaps a better way to put it.
As far as I have known what it can hold.
Or can be.
Lonely I have been, but mostly not because of myself.
Loneliness doesn’t happen like that.
It is something we can become.
A house we live in.
The touch of our skin.
The music we listen to, the food we eat.
Loneliness is an empty word, yet it hides in the openness of what we know.
Perhaps even feel and what we can see.
We just look at it and then we pass it by.
Like a stranger, we will never see again.
But then it is there still.
Sadly, it is not a love story.
At least not a romantic one.
For some reason it is difficult for us to track it down.
However, it is close to its ‘cousin’ depression, they come from the same family.
It seems to be easier to talk about depression than loneliness.
Something we don’t want to be, but it can reside in your house, without you thinking of it.
I don’t want to make you scared, just sharing some of my own experiences.
Where I didn’t know that I felt lonely.
I wondered how loneliness had found its way in.
That door was never open in the first place.
I always lock my door and it has been winter the last couple of months.
Also my window was closed during this time.
I will leave it just there.
Since loneliness left my house.
I told him too.
Not exactly in those words, because loneliness is a smart kid.
I said : ‘You can stay if you want, but I am going to do whatever I feel like doing anyway’.
‘Watch a bit TV, saw there was a new show on Netflix’.
‘You can sit in my chair or lay in my bed’.
‘Even lay next to me, but don’t take the whole bed, please’.
‘I don’t want to wake you up when I come home after I went out and had a couple of drinks’.
‘Unless you like it when I turn on the light and make noise when brushing my teeth before I fall asleep’.
‘But you know, loneliness, I don’t drink every night, but mostly on the weekend’.
‘I like to drink a glass of wine’.
‘White or red is fine by me’.
‘On a really hot summer day I even like to drink rose with some ice’.
‘Sometimes when I come home I like to listen to music with my headset on’.
‘Then I dance a little bit in my room, because I am just not yet tired enough to fall sleep’.
‘I have seen your cousin depression also when I dance in my room, coming home after some drinks’.
‘He doesn’t really like to dance’.
‘But perhaps it is just that he doesn’t like to dance with me’.
‘It could be’.
Something my French lover said to me.
It stayed with me ever since.
Don’t know why he is invading my story like this.
Well, I knew he liked me, I just didn’t like him back.
Maybe he felt lonely after that.
Who knows.
I don’t care about that.
Maybe I just needed to say that.
‘I don’t miss you, in case you thought that’.
Then out of nothing I heard the door.
Someone was leaving the house.
I listened a bit more and heard footsteps going down the stairs.
Loneliness had just left my house.
You know, why I knew it was him.
Because he just leaves without saying anything.
Not a goodbye, not even leaving a note.
Or saying he is going to buy cigarettes, or so.
Even that is too heavy for his heart.
Like he never existed.
Well perhaps that is true.
I mean, I am just Lakshmi.
I live in my own world and don’t bother other people.
Listening to what they say and saying goodbye to them.
In real life and in meetings I have when I work.
Because when your heart is full of love, you want to meet someone again.
However loneliness doesn’t care about that, he just comes and goes whenever he feels like.
He doesn’t take out the trash, leaves his cigarettes in the ashtray.
Complaints about the dishes and that people only care about themselves.
I get it, loneliness just wants all the attention.
That is a lonely life for loneliness.
But yeah I am thinking now about that boy that always wanted to attend meetings because he feels lonely.
Is there some advice I should give him, what to do when loneliness hits his door?
When loneliness is just there without saying anything.
Staring at you, like an Indian.
Sorry for this stereotype, I couldn’t come up with something else.
It wasn’t my intention to say it like that.
If I were him, I would just start to laugh really loud.
Like I just heard a bad joke or something.
That thing I just said about the Indian, comes close to that.
Even, when I am saying it myself.
Although it wasn’t really a joke.
Haha.
I mean loneliness is there, when there is nobody around.
There is freedom to do that.
Laughing out loud, having a good time.
Something loneliness also doesn’t really like.
To be free.
It is always there when you are occupied, so you wouldn’t know he is there.
He is just a sneaky little bastard.
Yes, he is.
Little.
If he was big, we would see him better.
He is always somewhere underneath your desk or so.
When you hit your knee to your table.
He is just a motherfucker.
Excuse my language.
I was just expressing that feeling.
When that happens.
You may laugh if you want to.
Maybe you forgot that laughing is an option.
You can also cry if that suits you better.
I mean, hurting the knee like that can bring some tears to your eyes.
I get it.
It takes some energy, but it makes you feel good.
At least from the inside.
With a little luck, you forgot there was a meeting.
In the first place.
Tada!
Well, isn’t that something.
I guess, the problem is solved then.