I was walking in the park. Not by myself.
Not that it’s a big mystery.
I just wasn’t by myself.
I walk alone or walk by myself a lot.
Something I accepted to do, as some things I need to do by myself.
Where nobody is invited.
A process I am going through.
Thoughts, feelings, experiences.
Things I need to know first, before to understand and to share.
If at all.
But this time it wasn’t a day like that.
Lately my mind goes to places.
Thinking about a relationship, about actually having a healthy relationship.
How that would be.
Not with who.
That’s a question of control and beyond my own power.
What I have learned on one of these walks around the park by myself.
That there is nothing to be ashamed of, to be walking alone in the park.
But sometimes I do not walk by myself.
It was one of these kind of walks.
My friend told me.
‘Someone I know used to get hormone shots and once she stopped taking them, the boys started to come into her life and within no time she had a relationship’.
‘Interesting’, I thought.
‘Hormones can actually be a block in your lovelife’.
The first time I stopped taking hormones for birth control was already about 5 years ago.
I never took birth control shots, I took birth control pills.
It didn’t give me any control actually.
Even when I stopped taking these birth control pills, for my period to start. I was still always guessing the day my period was about start.
So much underwear I needed to throw away.
Just an insight about where my mind was going.
I didn’t take birth control for not having babies.
I don’t even know why I took them in the first place.
Maybe because everyone was taking them?
That’s really a question.
Low self esteem?
Or because of society?
Just not knowing better?
It could be all.
I took birth control pills, because I took birth control pills.
That’s all I know, not really a reason.
No manipulation, no pressure, not out of any esteem.
I just took the pills.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
5 years after not taking any birth control pills, I have come to a place where my hormones are starting to act naturally.
I have birth control now without any hormones.
But it has not all been fun and games.
This road to get my hormones to act naturally.
One second I was happy and the other second I was crying.
I was forgetting all the time what I was about to do.
I stood in the middle of the room and was just gazing.
I had something in my hand and then I sort of ‘woke up’, being all weary about me standing in the middle of the room.
Sometimes things dropped out of my hand and then I was so emotional because ‘OMG I didn’t know what to wear anymore’.
Sometimes I was trying an outfit to wear for the day, and all of a sudden it didn’t fit anymore.
I would throw my clothes in a corner, but of course that didn’t work and it made me frustrated.
I wanted to scream and shout.
I even listened to Britney Spears.
But then I reminded myself that I used to figure out my outfit to wear for the day, while taking a shower.
‘Cleaning my body always helped me finding my outfit of the day’.
Is what I thought.
And all the drama would stopped.
And this all happened when I didn’t even have breakfast yet.
Just to give you an insight of how my day could start.
And then my mind went.
‘Why did I choose to be a woman this lifetime?’
That’s a sincere question.
I worked with a lot of young guys and they don’t have any of these problems.
They just act and do.
Fight and shout and then shake hands.
Like nothing happened.
And then I stood there, staring.
What just happened?
I was then thinking to myself.
While I was still staring.
So easy? Really?
But then I thought again.
It looks appealing.
But the mystery I can reach as a woman is something I would never want to give up.
I guess I am just happy to be a woman.
And this is a reminder of all that.