‘You are gorgeous’.
He had said it to me a couple of times.
The first time, he said it to me, was to get my attention.
The second time, I didn’t respond.
‘You have a girlfriend’, I responded.
Looking at the girl sitting opposite of him.
She was wearing colorful pants.
I didn’t know if she was his girlfriend.
Just a guess, as they were sitting together.
What else could I have said?
‘She likes pussy too’, he said.
A bit too loud, to make sure I knew he wasn’t going to give up his attempt.
To what I don’t know.
I didn’t say anything.
I was silent, I didn’t know how to respond.
‘Did I need to respond to the revelation of her sexuality?’ If it was in the first place.
In my mind this revelation didn’t have anything to do with him finding me gorgeous.
Perhaps he wanted to have my attention for other reasons.
Reasons I didn’t have anything to do with and I also wasn’t looking for.
I took the empty glasses standing on the table.
‘How was the food?’ I asked the girl.
It gave me some time to come up with an answer.
I also felt a bit awkward and didn’t really know how to act otherwise.
Of course being called gorgeous is nice, but the fact he sat there with his girlfriend, made me feel weird.
‘I feel you have limitations’.
He shouted a bit less loud, when I came back to pick up the empty plates they had in front of them on the table.
I took the plates and continued my work.
‘Was he trying to find out my sexuality?’ I was thinking on the way to the kitchen.
‘Or was it still an attempt to get ‘my attention?’ For reasons I didn’t know.
‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ He continued, when I had returned.
It was sure, he wasn’t going to give up.
‘I am single’, I said very directly.
I think I was even smiling when I said it.
Not particular to him, more in general.
I felt a sense of freedom that made me smile.
To not have this kind of ‘awkwardness’, when being in a commitment.
I didn’t really knew what it meant, but I felt it.
‘I think you are really wild, but you just have this innocent look’.
He was talking about my sex.
Stating he could see that in me.
I didn’t know if he saw my smile, but I smiled anyway.
‘Yes, I feel very free being single’. I can do ‘whatever I want’.
I meant it in a sexual way, but also general.
I was looking at the girl, when I said it.
It had no particular meaning, I was just looking at her.
‘I feel more free now when I am in a relationship’, the girl responded.
She said it in a way with calmness and I believed her immediately.
She was comfortable in her way of sexuality and it meant there was no competition between us.
I took more plates from the table, I needed time to let that sink.
I wasn’t in a relationship, I couldn’t imagine that.
Could you really be ‘more free’ when being in a relationship than being single?
What would that be like?
I was wondering.
Was it a pre-assumption I had, that being single is the essence of ‘being more free’.
Or was it a limitation?
Was the limitation I thought around being less free, when being in a commitment grounded?
But most importantly, was I willing to give up this limitation or pre-assumption of being free?
As a sagittarius, finding more freedom is very alluring to me.
‘It has to come from a good place’, I called myself back.
‘I believe we have limitations for a reason’, I told him when I had returned to the table.
‘I am happy you say that’, he said to me.
Like he was waiting for me to tell him this.
He was smiling when he said that, he really was happy.
The girl was still sitting opposite of him, listening to what I was about to say.
‘We have limitations as a protection mechanism’.
‘Sometimes we are not ready and the limits make sure we don’t cross those boundaries’.
‘To protect ourselves, but also others’.
I walked away satisfied, the plates in my hand.
‘You really are gorgeous’.
His voice was a bit more calm when he said it this time.
Still loud though.
‘Thank you’, I replied.
‘I really appreciate it’, I said.
It was the third time, he really meant it.