There is a lot going on in my mind and I have a bit of trouble getting it straight.
Words popping up or just seeing complete sentences in my mind.
And so I just started writing.
Sometimes it helps to just start.
Without thinking too much.
It sounds weird to say it like this. It feels almost like a contradiction.
To do things, without thinking, to make thoughts go away.
But it does go like this.
Making things practical, to think less, is what it is.
Of all things writing is also just that.
Practical.
Because we have to sit down. Get our things to write.
A pen or paper, perhaps a laptop or anything else that makes that happen if we don’t have anything that can help us write things down.
You can think about that, whatever that means for you.
To say, to get prepared for writing is a practicality that makes thoughts go away a little bit.
Because we are thinking about other things than our thoughts is what I mean.
I mean, it doesn’t make wonders and won’t get the thoughts straight, but it does make it less.
Perhaps enough for us to know what to think about for that moment.
At least this is how I am approaching it.
For me, most of the time when I do it like this I am able to do what I am supposed to be doing at that moment.
The thoughts become less, perhaps even less wild.
Not saying that I am.
Just a way of taming the thoughts.
Because I think this is just how I feel it.
Nothing is wrong about that.
To feel, to think. Even if that is too much.
All is good at the same time.
Nobody to judge.
Perhaps you just needed to know that.
While writing it down like this, I already have less thoughts.
The clouds in my head seem to have disappeared just a little, where I feel a bit lighter in my head.
What I want to write is not something I am thinking about anymore.
I believe this is where I can start.
Because the thoughts I had before starting to write are just a bit loose.
If that is something I can say about it.
I had 2 storylines in mind.
One about being single, because that is something I am feeling.
Or just a point that I am in my life.
However I am just not so sure about it.
And that is where I was starting to have these thoughts.
I didn’t know that feelings of being unsure could lead to thoughts.
That was a sidenote for myself.
I feel like kissing or doing something more.
At the same time I am a bit afraid.
I don’t know if I want to do any of it to start with and then I have a lot of thoughts that are showing up about it.
I mean, I am now at a small place, where I will be staying for about 2,5 more weeks.
Summer season has ended, which means there are less tourists around.
That would have made it easier for sure to do some things in that kind of department.
Is something I was thinking.
Then again, I know that these kinds of things can end up serious somehow.
That is the last thing I want.
So many things that are crossing my mind.
Those are just some of the things that I am thinking about.
Pretty messy, I have to say.
Or just my own judgment and an expression of how I am feeling about this.
Afraid I am still, is what it is.
Don’t ask me why, however I believe it is part of our nature.
That just makes sense to me.
And we have to be, a little bit afraid, to keep us safe in a way.
It is this little fear that makes us a bit sharper than we are.
To prevent us from any harm.
A way to protect us, let me say it like this.
I wrote a post yesterday on my Instagram about the purpose of being single.
I said that I think it is about the non-attachment and you can do whatever you like.
Without thinking about any responsibility, then perhaps just to do and act.
I am ending the post with something related to kissing and perhaps even some sexing.
And whatever holds ground to that.
I believe we all know that being single means that we can do more or less whatever we feel like doing. However the words that were popping up for me in that post were non-attachment and responsibility.
I was thinking that when we think about being single we don’t think about these things.
Non-attachment and responsibility
And that just makes me laugh.
However, it is not really funny.
Maybe it is more of a nervous laugh, that is considering a question.
Why am I just so complicated?
However, not something I am feeling sad about.
But it does make me think about the thoughts I was having and expressed about kissing or doing anything related to that, without any attachment and responsibility.
Am I attached somewhere or do I feel any responsibility that I am not able to kiss and anything related to that without thinking?
I believe that is just a good question for me to ask.
For now I will just leave it for whatever it is.
Perhaps my own advice here is just to do without thinking and hope nothing bad will happen after that.
Fingers crossed.
Horrific it sounds to me.
Perhaps a good feeling to feel, since Halloween is just around the corner.
Then there was this other story line I wanted to write down.
Now that I think about it, I forgot what it was.
This is just what thoughts can do.
That we forget what we wanted to say or do.
Oh, actually I remember it again.
I wanted to write about flirting.
Sometimes thinking is exhausting, I just wanted to say that.
Even if that is for my own recollection.
Flirting is something I am doing a little bit, better to say something I am experiencing.
It is making me feel warm and sparkle from the inside.
Such a good feeling to feel.
Making me feel better about myself.
Although it could never happen between me and this other person, for reasons I’d rather keep to myself.
It is such a big compliment when someone flirts with us.
Especially when they are also very good looking.
When they start looking for that eye contact, where they tell a story that only you understands.
That story is a little secret between you and him.
Amazing it feels, to experience this.
Just enough to keep on going, to wonder and not think too much about anything else.
It is just such a nice cloud to be on.
That is just true and a very welcome feeling.
It makes me feel dreamy and smile from the inside.
Happy is another word to put it.
A feeling that I want to keep and remember.
Even if nothing would ever happen after.
Honestly I could just die and never wake up.
I would be totally fine with that.
But of course, I understand that this is not how it works.
I guess I will just dream on and stay on my cloud of love.
So if I have to choose between being single, where I would be kissing and any other thing related to that, without any responsibility and non-attachment or just to keep on flirting.
I would choose the last one.
I believe it is better for my heart, because when I think about that other thing, I just feel so terrified from the inside and rather want to die and never wake up.
Ironically, it is the same difference.
I guess my answer to that question is that I just don’t know.
With both of the choices I will not be with anyone.
That’s just the truth.
I believe I just need to be brave and do some things without thinking too much about it.
Like how I was writing this story.
Hopefully things will just fall away, the way I am approaching my thoughts.
Where the necessary will remain.
Where I don’t have to die and never wake up again.
In any kind of way.
Also I believe in the purpose of being single.
Where I mean kissing and any other thing related to that, without any attachment and responsibility.
Because those are some things I believe we need to fulfill.
Something essential for us to pass to the next chapter in our lovelife.
Whatever that is and means.
Because one day we will die for sure.