I was thinking about my story ‘The power of woman lies in de sound of her siren’.
Where it becomes clear to me where I am in my own lovestory.
An understanding that is going beyond myself.
And perhaps even for the better.
Sometimes it is better to know afterwards, because it can be too intense when being in the middle or at the beginning.
It is I was reading the story ‘because I love myself’, that I understood what I have been through.
The intenseness, the love I was feeling, reading my own past.
And perhaps even afterwards, we can better understand.
Creativity is not bound to time and space.
It just needs to be expressed.
Not just something that wants to be said or heard.
But a sound that only is understood by the uncommon.
All that happened, is how it was supposed to be.
That is at least something I told myself.
A form of being kind to my mind and a stability to build further on.
Which is leading to the next chapter of my life.
Or at least the next story that I want to tell in my own love journey.
In my perception it was a long time ago.
However it wasn’t.
It is still a little bit of a dark place in myself.
And that is why I am feeling it like that.
That I am in tune with myself.
I think that is something I can confirm.
If it makes me a better person, I don’t know.
But I am happy that I have come to this kind of place, that I can share it with you.
To come back at that mark, that is still a bit dark in me.
It has to do with the fact that love is a choice, not an option.
I am referring to myself here.
I think I am love and that makes my love journey so much easier.
Because what else can it be?
Knowing this, I am more comfortable telling that story.
The way I remember it, is that I had a conversation.
I want to say like any other day.
But it wasn’t.
Someone reached out to me.
In an odd way.
Responding to my content and for some reason I was happy that it happened.
Hours and hours passed.
It wasn’t that time stood still, on the contrary.
Things were moving, something I was feeling.
I told a lot of things about myself.
Personal and deep.
I wasn’t hesitating to do it otherwise.
However at one point, I told him : ‘Now it is your turn, to tell something about yourself’.
And so he did.
He had suicidal thoughts and went to a psychologist for some time to handle that.
Those were not the exact same words he used, but I understood that this was at least something he wanted to share with me.
I told him that my father had commited suicide.
To make him feel less lonely.
To know everything is just alright.
The conversation continued for a little longer, but all of sudden, it stopped.
I don’t really know why.
I remember I needed to go to sleep, because I had to wake up early.
And that is what I had said.
But whilst in the process of falling asleep, I could see that this person had unfollowed me.
It gave me a bad feeling.
Sour taste in my mouth.
I mean, you don’t just share a lot of yourself and then unfollow someone.
Was I ever worried for him?
Not so much.
But I can tell, I didn’t sleep well at all that night.
And when it comes to love, I don’t think certain actions should take your rest and peace.
So I can conclude, it wasn’t that.
The next day we spoke again.
An explanation sort of came.
He was feeling lonely and needed some distraction.
Softly I can say, that wasn’t nice to hear.
It made me feel small and unwanted.
I started thinking if it was right all the things I had said, perhaps even sent.
Negativity came over me.
I felt ashamed of myself.
How someone’ s actions can have an impact on you, that goes beyond yourself.
Something you get for free, without even asking or wanting it.
A lesson well learned.
Let me just put it like that.
Questions started to rise, in myself.
Why did he do that?
Was I not good enough?
However, after some rest and proper sleep. I understood it was a reflection of his.
Not something that was bound to mine.
I mean we are all different and we cope with other circumstances.
But when it comes to love, I don’t think it is an option to act in a way that you are interested.
Even putting up that mask and talking for hours, showing and sharing something private.
And then all of a sudden, it isn’t.
I guess, it is still leaving me a little off guard.
We all want something different.
For me what happened isn’t that.
For me it was a choice to have that conversation.
To go after that feeling of happiness that I was experiencing.
The ease of opening up I learned about myself.
Not afraid of letting someone in.
It felt good to do that and I am proud of that.
And I also believe that honesty lasts longer.
I think, because of all that happened, I forgot to tell him that.
However I did tell him that he should have told me from the beginning what his intentions were and by doing what he did, it was harmful for me.
I hope to protect other people from this.
That is also something I told him.
Because when it comes to love.
It is not an option to act and do whatever we feel like doing.
In this way no heartbreak has to happen.
It is a choice we make to open up, to let in, what needs to happen.
That is a spark of what love is about.
At least according to me.