As scrolling down on a dating app, I am thinking if I should hold the account even when I will have a relationship.
Many times I have deleted the account, many times I have returned.
Sometimes I am annoyed why I should be on a dating app, sometimes questioning if I should be there in the first place.
Sometimes asking why in god’s name I am always attracted to go back.
It just makes me wonder.
On my profile it says:
‘Just for meeting people, drinks, nice conversations’.
The language notification I added later.
Then this guy started to talk to me.
The guys had started talking to me in English.
My lines were in English.
As soon as I started to talk to him, very fast already I had let him know I could also ‘just’ speak Dutch.
I don’t know why I had said this to him, but after I had done this, I felt a bit uneasy to talk in Dutch.
A feeling of not being good enough.
When I told him and showed in the chat conversation of the dating app, I spoke the same language.
Not that he had made any remarks or assumptions about it.
I just sort of felt it from the conversation.
He didn’t respond as fast as we has responding in the beginning.
Or perhaps I had a little mindfuck.
However, I have always felt that most guys are looking for this ‘adventurous’, ‘unreachable’, ‘native’.
Speaking English would add to that fantasy.
Not that I speak English on purpose.
It has grown over the years that I speak more English than Dutch.
Speaking Dutch to these guys in the chat conversation, would bring them back to reality.
I would just be ‘just this Dutch girl’.
Not able to fulfill this fantasy.
‘Adventurous’, ‘Unreachable’, ‘Native’.
Almost like an add.
This is what men want.
My head is just drifting a bit.
A fear I am facing.
To come back.
Does it mean to be a Dutch girl, living in the Netherlands, that I am not good enough for dating?
But also does it matter what kind of language I speak when it comes to dating?
And should it matter?
Is this unreachable fantasy ‘we’ are living sustainable?
Or is it just what we have created to not face what we really want?
A loving, caring, warm(ing) relationship that is based and starts with trust.
To answer if I should keep my dating account after having found someone, being in a relationship.
I don’t know.
The contact with these men, make me aware of who I am and where I can find myself.
I think it is healthy.
However, I understand that this can change and it is up for to debate.