A story about not fitting in, is something I felt appropiate to write.
Because we all do, sometimes.
Or somehow.
The reason this came to my mind, was due something I experienced.
And that is all that I am going to say about it.
The question is not if I fitted in just there.
I just didn’t.
That is the truth about that.
I was trying to be someone, to be part of a crowd.
Many reasons I can give for that.
But what is somehow unknown, is what it does underneath the surface.
To myself in this case.
Perhaps it is still part of my own process to leave it behind.
And that makes no wonder.
I don’t know why actually.
Just that it is.
And while I am saying this I am grasping for words.
Pronounching them in my mouth.
Because there is just so much to say about it at the same time.
But what I would like to say at this moment.
That it goes both ways.
Perhaps that is the moral of this story.
We don’t fit in or can become not fitted in due to the surroundings.
It is not the not fiiting in that is important to know.
Because we all do that.
In our own time and pace.
Whenever that feels good for us.
That actually makes us fitting in.
If you think about it.
Really.
However, underneath all that.
The reasons we are becoming a misfit or just feeling we are not existing.
Not knowing where we belong to, or just thinking that the world is passing us by without leaving a mark.
If at all that is something you think about.
It is what I did, at least.
Or what I felt.
An unknown certainty.
Something that wasn’t right.
Being on a ground that didn’t belong with me.
And I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
Perhaps something of my identity that was lacking.
A hole in my soul.
Something that was unhealed.
A ghost of the past that was haunting me.
Or a piece of myself that I need to find.
An inneracceptance so to speak.
And it could be all of the above at the same time.
That was all I was thinking about while laying with my head on my pillow before going to sleep.
To understand this feeling that was making me wander around without having a clue to look for.
And although it was something I was trying to find for some time already.
Some months, you can even say.
It came a bit out of the blue what it was for me.
Because it doesn’t really matter if we fit in or not.
If we belong to a crowd or that we have an inner knowledge to understand.
What is most important in this story is that the world that is surrounding us can add to this feeling of non existence.
And it doesn’t really matter if this is work related, having this feeling being part of crowd or just at any other occupation where we need to have this feeling of belonging.
It all holds the same.
Perhaps I will write down another day a bit more about it.
What holds ground and what I would like to express is that when it comes to being part of a group. The behavior of the group can be so different from ours that we are naturally sucked in.
Where we don’t anymore have a feeling to come back to ourselves.
And that is actually something where we don’t even feel anymore.
The irony.
We start behaving in a way that is unnatural to us.
However, it is our innernature to belong to a crowd.
To me it felt that we have no other choice than to just go forward with it.
Although there was something underneath lingering that wasn’t right for me.
The extention of this is.
What we don’t know or not even aware of, is that we are becoming something we aren’t.
Perhaps even better to say we should’t.
It leads to becoming a misfit.
Outcast is even a better word for it.
That is that kind of mark that is leaving.
Amazing isn’t it?
To have this kind of understanding.
Pain and sickness come to the surface.
And nothing is really helping to cure that.
A proces that continues.
We feel exhausted, tired, have sleepness nights or are just staring at the ceiling for no reason. Having a gazing look to keep staring in front of us.
Running that extra mile and nothing make this fog in our head go away.
Apart from that one thing that makes us so afraid.
At least from the inside.
Because it is the biggest fear we have as a human.
Uncertainty.
It feels like a fall from grace.
Perhaps even a smack on your face.
You can get a headache and the notion that you rather didn’t exist anymore.
Turn in some ashes so to speak .
After that you will feel lack of motivation and everything else that comes with that.
Because I have to keep the mystery a bit for you to find out for yourself.
So I can focus on things that are more important.
Perhaps you should do the same.
What I’d like to say, for me to rest this case is that it is ok to leave that place.
Yes, it is.