Changes I feel coming and I am just at the beginning.
Excited I am, not afraid.
However, they can come across the same.
Emotions are difficult to understand, I think at least.
When I write more about it, the more calm I get.
I am happy about that.
Again a different feeling, showing in myself.
Good, I hope.
What I try to say, my world is really different from most people.
I was on the beach in Portugal, with a bunch of people.
Boys, girls and myself.
It was the first really hot day.
The beach was appropriate to go to.
One of the girls asked me a question.
We talked a bit, while the sun was starting to set.
I wasn’t drinking a cocktail.
Just some water, to stay hydrated.
It was a hot summers day.
She asked me : “Can you feel other people’s feelings?”
It was more a confirmative question, to something I had said before.
For her mind to process what I had just told her.
“When we are sitting here, can you feel the feelings of other people?”
I believe there was only a short pause between those two questions.
It could also be I had told her it was sometimes a bit difficult for me.
Where I could feel the emotions and feelings of other people.
I had told her the story of the angry chicken.
I was one time in a relationship and we started to get into a fight.
Some bad words we said.
Nothing really spectacular.
Nothing mean.
It didn’t really hurt my feelings, in case you were thinking.
We were still shouting a little bit to each other.
I mean, me and that boy I was with.
Then I said to him : “I am not angry, I just ate an angry chicken”.
I was shocked by my own words.
Not even the feelings I felt when understanding the thing I said.
The boy kept shouting at me, eventually I broke up with him
It was already a long time ago.
I stopped eating meat that day, at least for a little while.
It was causing me to have a fight I couldn’t prevent.
Perhaps the purpose of this fight was just to know I can feel that.
The emotions of animal, after eating them.
I don’t know if I can call it high sensitivity, let’s say it is.
I told the girl at the beach, “one day I am more evolved when it comes to this and I hope to make the world a better place”.
I hope I can change the world with this, so to say.
Where I can transmute those emotions of the animals I was eating into solutions.
Why were they angry, perhaps.
How to prevent them from having these kind of emotions.
Just don’t know when that is going to happen.
“There was also a time when I couldn’t walk into a butcher”.
I was still talking to this girl.
“I could see all the ways the animals died”, I said.
I don’t mean in a negative way, just saying I could see it happening right before my eyes.
There was no judgement.
I haven’t been to a butcher, ever since.
It didn’t make me afraid, when that happened.
It was just so intense to see, I didn’t expected it to happen.
I mean, I didn’t even know something like that could occur.
So yes, I needed a little bit of time to process.
I truly believe this experience was there to show me, at one point in my life I can say how these things can be different.
At least, it will make my life a bit easier.
To say, I am not doing it just for those animals.
Mainly for myself.
I hope to one day enjoy eating meat, without becoming angry from emotions which aren’t mine.
Because I told the girl at the beach, it was also a reason for me to not have a relationship.
I said to her : “What am I going to say?”
“I just ate an angry chicken?”
Nobody is going to believe me.
At least the boy I was with, didn’t.
I did tell him.
Expressing it wasn’t my emotion.
It wasn’t my fault I was feeling that way, it wasn’t my anger.
And this is where that story of the angry chicken ended.
I don’t even know if it is a standstill in myself, when it comes to love and relationships.
I’d rather work on myself, until this is solved.
I would be safer with myself, then to cause fights and have these arguments for reasons I can’t confirm are mine.
I’d rather investigate, to solve, then to have a relationship.
However, when I think of it for now, all of a sudden.
Perhaps it is something in myself protecting me, to make sure I eat those emotions to start a fight.
Where the fight is protecting me from any harm with that person involved.
These emotions which aren’t mine are protecting me, is what I am saying.
This sounds perhaps a bit far fetched, however also more logical to me.
I feel my heart opening up a little bit more, when writing this down.
Just to say a fight is not always a way to express our feelings.
It can also be a way to protect us from further harm.
I think in this way, I am less afraid to be involved again with someone.
Let’s see, I guess.