Changes I feel coming and I am just at the beginning.
Excited I am.
Not afraid.
However sometimes they can come across the same.
Emotions are hard to understand.
What I think at least.
When I write more about it, the more calm I get.
I am happy about that.
Again a different feeling, that is showing in myself.
Good, I hope.
Or something like it.
What I try to say is that my world is really different from most people.
Not to judge or say people are doing it wrong.
I am not like that.
In case you were wondering.
It is a story I told yesterday.
I was at the beach in Portugal, with a bunch of people.
Boys, girls and myself.
It was the first really hot day.
The beach was appropriate to go to.
One of the girls asked me a question.
We talked a bit, while the sun was starting to set.
I wasn’t drinking a cocktail.
Just some water, to stay hydrated.
It was a hot summer day.
She asked me : ‘Can you feel other people’s feelings?’.
It was more a confirmative question, to something I had said before.
For her mind to process what I had just told her.
‘So when we are sitting here, can you feel the feelings of other people?’
She asked me after that.
I believe there was only a short pause between those two questions.
It could also be that I had told her it was sometimes a bit hard for me.
That I could feel the emotions and feelings of other people.
I had told her the story of the angry chicken.
For me it is an old story.
That is why I am saying it like this.
But ok, since you don’t know that story.
I will tell it to you, also.
I was one time in a relationship and we started to get into a fight.
Some bad words we said.
Nothing really spectacular.
Nothing mean.
It didn’t really hurt my feelings.
If you were thinking that.
We were still shouting a little bit to each other.
I mean, me and that boy I was with.
Then I said to him : ‘I am not angry, I just ate an angry chicken’.
I was shocked by my own words.
Not even the feelings I felt when I said that.
The boy kept on shouting at me.
Eventually we didn’t fight anymore.
I also broke up already a long time ago.
I stopped eating meat that day.
At least for a little while.
Not because I was afraid for the emotions of the animals.
Or that I could feel them, while eating them.
It was causing me to have a fight that I couldn’t prevent.
Perhaps the purpose of this fight was just to know that I can feel that.
The emotions of animal, after eating them.
I don’t know if that is called high sensitivity.
Let’s say it is.
I told the girl at the beach, that one day I am more evolved when it comes to this and I hope to make the world a better place.
I hope I can change the world with this, so to say.
Where I can transmute those emotions of the animals I was eating into solutions.
Why were they angry, perhaps.
Or how to prevent them from having these kind of emotions.
Just don’t know when that is going to happen.
‘There was also a time when I couldn’t walk into a butcher’.
I was still talking to this girl.
‘I could see all the ways the animals died’, I said.
I don’t mean in a negative way, just saying that I could see that.
There was no judgment there.
I haven’t been to a butcher, ever since.
It didn’t make me afraid, when that happened.
It was just so intense to see.
I didn’t expected that to happen.
I mean, I didn’t even know that something like that could occur.
So yes, I needed a little bit of time to process that.
I guess, I am still doing that.
I truly believe that this experience was there to show me that at one point in my life I can be the voice of those animals and tell how these things can be different.
It will make my life also a bit easier.
To say, I am not doing it just for those animals.
Mainly for myself.
I hope to one day enjoy eating meat, without becoming angry from emotions that aren’t mine.
Because I also told the girl at the beach, that it was also a reason for me to not have a relationship.
I said to her : ‘What am I going to say?’
‘I just ate an angry chicken?’
Nobody is going to believe that.
At least the boy I was with, didn’t.
I did tell him.
Expressing it wasn’t my emotion.
It wasn’t my fault I was feeling that way.
It wasn’t my anger.
And this is where that story of the angry chicken ended.
I don’t even know if it is a standstill in myself, when it comes to love and relationships.
I’d rather work on myself, until this is solved.
I would be safer with myself, then to cause fights and have these arguments for reasons I can’t confirm are mine.
Or don’t know for sure they are mine.
I’d rather investigate, to solve.
Then to have a relationship.
However, when I think of it for now, all of a sudden.
The boy I would be in a relationship with, wouldn’t know of course.
Perhaps it is something in myself that is protecting me, to make sure I eat those emotions to start a fight.
Where the fight is protecting me from any harm with that person involved.
These emotions that are not mine are protecting me, is what I am saying.
This sounds perhaps a bit far fetched, however also more logical to me.
Perhaps even romantic.
I feel my heart opening up a little bit more.
When writing this down.
Just to say that a fight is not always a way to express our feelings.
It can also be a way to protect us from further harm.
I think in this way, I am less afraid to be involved again with someone.
Lets see, I guess.