It is something that needs to get off my chest.
I think.
An annoyance even a little bit.
If I go a bit deeper, it could even be that I am angry somewhere down there.
It surprises me that I feel that way.
Angry to start with.
Annoyed also.
Surprised in the end.
A mix of feelings that I didn’t expect and perhaps that is the problem.
Not particularly the expectation, not even the feelings.
When I think of it.
It could be that these are just growing pains.
Because that can sometimes feel a bit weird.
Or that the weather is so good, it is opening up a lot of things in me.
That I haven’t experienced before.
Sounds like a good story to me.
I guess that is the point I can start from.
At least for this story.
I think I have a lot to share.
However sometimes I don’t really know how to express that.
That I don’t know what to do with all of this.
I mean, I am just human.
It could also be that I just didn’t have my coffee and breakfast yet.
To start the day or just to ignite something in myself.
And these are just some of my thoughts.
I have.
Changes I feel coming and I am just at the beginning of that.
That is also how it should be.
My own nature.
Excited I am.
Not afraid.
However sometimes that can come across the same.
Emotions are hard to understand.
That is what I think at least.
And when I write more about it, the more calm I get.
I am happy about that.
Again a different feeling, that is showing in myself.
Good, I hope.
Or something like it.
What I try to say is that my world is really different from most people.
Not to judge or say people are doing it wrong.
I am not like that.
In case you were wondering.
It is a story I told yesterday.
I was at the beach in Portugal, with a bunch of people.
Boys, girls and myself.
It was the first really hot day.
The beach was appropriate to go to.
And that is where I went.
One of the girls asked me a question.
I had met her the day before and she looked sweet to me.
However, that is not the reason we were talking.
I just thought she was sweet.
Perhaps even nice and kind.
I guess I need to find that out.
If that is true.
We talked a bit, while the sun was starting to set.
I wasn’t drinking a cocktail.
Just some water, to stay hydrated.
It was a hot summer day.
She asked me : ‘Can you feel other people’s feelings?’.
It was more a confirmative question, to something I had said before.
For her mind to process what I had just told her.
‘So when we are sitting here, can you feel the feelings of other people?’
She asked me after that.
I believe there was only a short pause between those two questions.
It could also be that I had told her that it was sometimes a bit hard for me.
That I could feel the emotions and feelings of other people.
I had told her the story of the angry chicken.
True story.
For me it is an old story.
That is why I am saying it like this.
But ok, since you don’t know that story, I will tell it to you, also.
I was one time in a relationship and we started to get into a fight.
Just some bad words we said.
Nothing really spectacular.
Nothing really mean.
It didn’t really hurt my feelings.
If you were thinking that.
We were still shouting a little bit to each other.
I mean, me and that boy I was with.
Then I said to him : ‘I am not angry, I just ate an angry chicken’.
I was shocked by my own words.
Not even the feelings I felt when I said that.
However the boy kept on shouting at me.
Eventually we didn’t fight anymore.
I also broke up already a long time ago.
I stopped eating meat that day.
At least for a little while.
Not because I was afraid for the emotions of the animals.
Or that I could feel them, while eating them.
That it was causing me to have a fight that I couldn’t prevent.
Perhaps the purpose of this fight was just to know that I can feel that.
The emotions of animal, after eating them.
I don’t know if that is called high sensitivity.
Let’s say it is, for this story.
I told the girl at the beach yesterday, that I think one day I am more evolved when it comes to this and I hope to make the world a better place.
That I can change the world with this, so to say.
That I can transmute those emotions of the animals I was eating into solutions.
Why were they angry, perhaps.
Or how to prevent them from having these kind of emotions, also.
Just don’t know when that is going to happen.
‘There was also a time when I couldn’t walk into a butcher’.
I was still talking to this girl.
‘I could see all the ways the animals died’, I said.
I don’t mean this in a negative way, just saying that I could see that.
There was no judgment there.
I haven’t been to a butcher, ever since.
It didn’t make me afraid, when that happened.
It was just so intense to see that.
I didn’t expect that to happen.
I mean, I didn’t even know that something like that could occur.
So yes, I needed a little bit of time to process that.
I guess, I am still doing that.
It has been some time since that happened and I truly believe that this experience was there to show me that at one point in my life I can be the voice of those animals and tell how these things can be different.
It will make my life also a bit easier.
To say, I am not doing it just for those animals.
Mainly also for myself.
That I can enjoy eating meat, without becoming angry from emotions that aren’t mine.
I hope this will happen one day.
Because I also told the girl at the beach, that it was also a reason for me to not have a relationship.
I said to her : ‘What am I going to say?’
‘I just ate an angry chicken?’
Nobody is going to believe that.
At least the boy I was with, didn’t.
Because I did tell him that.
Just to express it wasn’t my emotion.
That it wasn’t my fault I was feeling that way.
It wasn’t my anger.
And that is where that story ended with him.
I don’t even know if it is a standstill in myself, when it comes to love and relationships.
I’d rather work on myself, until that is solved.
I would be safer with myself, then to cause fights and have these arguments for reasons I can’t confirm are mine.
Or don’t know for sure they are mine.
I’d rather investigate that, to solve that.
Then to have a relationship.
However, when I think of it for now, all of a sudden.
The boy I would be in a relationship with, wouldn’t know that of course.
Perhaps it is something in myself that is protecting me, to make sure I eat those emotions to start a fight.
This sounds perhaps a bit more logical to me.
Perhaps even romantic.
I feel my heart opening up a little bit more.
When I write this down.
Just to say that a fight is not always a way to express our feelings.
It can also be a way to protect us from further harm.
I think in this way, I am less afraid to be involved again with someone.
Lets see, I guess.