I needed a minute to think, if this was really something I wanted to write.
That minute became a day, or two.
Perhaps even three, it wasn’t that long ago.
And here I am.
I don’t know where that hesitation came from, this doubt to write.
It felt stupid to write, I have to say.
This whole love journey actually.
When I started to think about it more.
Just something I was thinking, perhaps even wanting to shout.
However, I didn’t say anything out loud.
I kept it to myself.
Perhaps an anger I was holding.
Something in me was lingering.
That was for sure.
Perhaps these are just growing pains, but when I felt writing this story, I was happy.
However some time later I didn’t feel like writing anymore.
I was going back and forth, in my mind and in my feelings.
All this time I was thinking about writing this story and just questioning myself at the same time, why on earth?
The thing is I didn’t like this person.
Perhaps just writing about what I want to write, will help me overcome this hurdle.
It was someone I had met briefly before.
I can’t really tell if there was attraction.
However, I do think he liked me.
I think for a second I contemplated if it was the same for me.
I became silent and let things just happen.
Not specific to anything I wanted.
Just to see if there was something.
I think, there it left me.
That feeling of researching the possibility.
As fast as that went and passed, I was a bit perplexed to see him with another girl.
They were already in a relationship, even.
It was just a few weeks later, since that moment I got to know him.
Where this feeling came to me of wanting to write about it.
But then again, it felt so weird to say something.
This is where I am going back and forth.
I was never in a relationship with him, nor did anything happen.
I did spend the night, but that was more because it could and was convenient.
Besides that, nothing happened.
The only thing I can think about is, he was looking for a girl.
Finding a relationship.
He was trying his luck, so to say.
Something he wasn’t with me.
I don’t think he specifically had something in mind.
Just letting his bate out, to see who would bite.
A pond I wasn’t swimming in, nor a kind of fish I am.
I guess.
I think this is where I feel relief of what I was holding before.
The way I was writing it down gave me that insight.
It wasn’t personal, what happened.
He was just trying his luck, without something specific.
In that light, it is a compliment he saw me as a suggestion.
Which is no wonder, I am attractive.
However, he wasn’t for me.
Where I think I can leave it behind.
But this anger I felt, what I was holding.
The pain it left me, is still something I need to name.
I mean, good I was able to figure it out.
Where his approach wasn’t about me.
The anger and pain I felt, hidden in this going back and forth, is my responsibility.
Something for me to find out still.
I think it is a feeling of being forgotten so fast.
Because although I didn’t like him, before anything else.
I did see, in that moment of silence, he was trying his best with me.
Which was bound to me specifically, there wasn’t any other girl involved.
This was the discrepancy I was facing.
I wasn’t even with him, nor did I like him.
Still I had this feeling of suffering seeing him with another girl.
I believe it was an unspoken thing, left me a bit heartbroken.
He never told me he was interested in me, although it was pretty clear.
I think on my side it was perhaps even a disappointment I didn’t like him.
Here remains the question if I am getting it right.
Where this disappointment is not about him, but it could be a disappointment connected to myself.
As a reflection I was seeing in him.
Perhaps I was disappointed in myself, I hadn’t made it clear who I was looking for.
I was spending time with someone, I wasn’t even interested in, to begin with.
Seeing him already in a relationship, left me with pain.
The body is so wonderful.
Really, all I can say.
The responsibility is where I can make that turn.
To say I have to make it known what type I am looking for.
To avoid more heartache and pain in the future.
For some reason I was thinking today : ‘Who I am attracted to?’
‘Who would fit my standard?’
To meet someone on my level, among those lines at least.
Whoever that person might be, it is not about him as such.
However, another piece of myself I am finding.
To make that love connection.
Since love starts with yourself.
Something I have been saying before.
To say, I am understanding this piece of myself.
I am ahead of my time.
Perhaps even lightyears, so to say.
At least what I told my ex boyfriend one day when I was angry.
Already some time ago.
It was the same disappointment I felt, when saying these words.
To be with someone so much lower of who I am.
It was leaving me in pieces, then.
For me to find what was lost.
Somehow.
Where I can conclude after all those years from that relationship, which was coming back in this person who was with someone so fast after he met me.
For reasons he doesn’t even know himself and frankly it is none of my business.
Although I did figure it out.
I can only fall for someone who can think out of the box.
Not specific to someone ahead of his time, at least one with a mind who can think differently.
To see ahead of what is happening the least.
I think the only person meeting the standard, to be with me.