It was a nice conversation I had.
Not like any others.
Or perhaps it was.
However it stayed with me, like other times.
That was no difference.
A way for me to recognize, there was for me a story there.
The question that was asked was :
‘Why was I always doing more than necessary or that I felt more than necessary to do?’
A good question if you’d ask me.
It was also something work related.
Or something I am making up just now.
It is not completely a lie though.
My last story I wrote : ‘Is love a relationship we have with ourselves?’
I am talking about the relationship we have with work.
Where the bottom of that story is that I believe that it starts with the relationship we have with ourselves.
Those can be intertwined ofcourse.
The relationship we have with work and the relationship we have with ourselves.
One doesn’t exclude the other.
Also it doesn’t say that they are connected to each other.
I don’t exactly know why.
Interesting the least.
It could be something to further explore.
Perhaps for another day.
In my previous story I wrote it from the starting point of the work relationship we have.
Not so much with others, but the one we have with work. Where perhaps it means actually it is the relationship we have with ourselves.
It could indeed be the same thing.
Hidden in this way, we think it is the relationship we have with work.
I guess that is just that.
And so I am sitting here at yet another coffee place that I like.
Writing down those words.
That hopefully can give me some insights.
To that question :
‘Why was I always doing more than necessary or that I felt more than necessary to do?’
Still a good question is what I am thinking.
It did come from the point of work.
Since I felt I was doing more than the others.
I felt frustrated about it.
Something I said in that conversation I had.
‘Why was nobody taking initiative and even asking if they could also do something’.
Those were the words that marked that frustration.
Perhaps even a form of depression.
Essentially it was coming down to a responsibility I felt.
Perhaps something I am still doing.
Taking on more than I should, because of being afraid of the responsibility that is connected to me.
And yes, that can be scary.
And thus this question was asked.
‘Why was I always doing more than necessary or that I felt more than necessary to do?’
It was appropriate to ask.
Something I am thinking about at least.
For me to write down and further explore.
Writing is a way to take out the speed.
To go deeper than we initially think we can go.
To go to the core and root of all.
Sounds good to me.
Perhaps even something for me to process.
And that would not be the first time.
Just a base for me to write down my stories.
A starting point so to say.
Like many other times.
However, it might be different this time.
I don’t know, just saying it.
Let’s find out I guess.
‘Why was I always doing more than necessary or that I felt more than necessary to do?’
I don’t think it would be a good title for a story.
Just for me to say that at the moment I don’t have an answer for that.
‘But why am I always doing more than necessary?’
Rephrasing the question here a little bit.
I think it is to fill a void.
An emptiness, perhaps even a fear.
Of commitment and setting boundaries.
Those are the things that are rising up in me.
Don’t ask me what that actually means.
Sometimes words and sentences just come up like that.
That is all fine, I guess.
However, I believe doing more than we should, could also be a way to protect ourselves.
From a pain that we felt, to not be hurt again.
That we have been hurt and by doing more that we necessary should, is making sure we don’t feel this pain anymore.
And that makes sense to me.
But what is this pain about, is still a question.
This void is another way to put it.
An emptiness that perhaps is caused by this pain.
Coming to the surface that we are doing more than necessary that we should.
Because emptiness is not just a void as such.
It can be marked as a fear even.
Not able and wanting to be committing.
Whatever that truly means.
That is for me the bottom of that at least.
Something for me to know is there.
And perhaps for you to know too.
Holes in our souls can be caused by effects outside of ourselves.
I believe this is what I am referring to.
The pain that I was feeling, caused by others, causing me to do more than necessary.
To know that it wasn’t my fault.
The pain we feel, is not always caused by ourselves of something we did.
The contrary even.
I believe most pain we are feeling is not ours in the first place.
And that is a message of love for you to know is out there.