I was walking in the park.
I walk alone a lot, something I accepted to do.
Where nobody is invited, a process I am going through.
Thoughts, feelings, experiences.
Things I need to know first, before to understand and to share.
If at all.
Lately my mind goes to places.
Thinking about a relationship, about actually having a healthy one.
How that would be.
What I have learned on one of these walks around the park by myself.
There is nothing to be ashamed of, to be walking alone in the park.
My friend told me.
“Someone I know used to get hormone shots”.
“Once she stopped taking them, the boys started to come into her life and within no time she had a relationship”.
‘Interesting’, I thought.
‘Hormones can actually be a block in your lovelife’.
I never took birth control shots, I took birth control pills.
It didn’t give me any control actually.
Just an insight about where my mind was going.
I didn’t take birth control for not having babies.
I don’t even know why I took them in the first place.
Maybe because everyone was taking them?
That’s really a question.
Peer pressure?
Low self esteem?
Just not knowing better?
It could be all.
I took birth control pills, because I took birth control pills.
That’s all I know, not really a reason.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
Now I have birth control without any hormones.
It hasn’t been fun and games.
This road to get my hormones acting naturally.
One second I was happy, the other second I was crying.
I found myself gazing.
I was forgetting what to do then sort of ‘woke up’, all weary standing in the middle of the room.
I was so emotional because, ‘OMG, I didn’t know what to wear anymore’.
I would throw my clothes in a corner, but of course that didn’t work and it made me frustrated.
I wanted to scream and shout.
I even listened to Britney Spears.
All this happened when I didn’t even have breakfast yet, to give you an insight how my day could start.
‘Why did I choose to be a woman this lifetime?’
A sincere question I asked myself one day.
I worked with a lot of young guys, they didn’t seem to have any of these problems.
They just act and do.
Fight, shout and then shake hands.
Like nothing happened.
I stood there, staring.
What just happened?
I was thinking to myself.
So easy? Really?
How appealing it looked to me, the mystery I can reach as a woman is something I would never want to give up.