Where there are endings, there are also new beginnings.
As I am still reflecting and making space for a proper closure.
It is that things are starting to open up for me.
A new way of living, which was perhaps always how it was intended.
But it is this reflecting mode that I am in, that starts to give me some realizations about my life as a lover.
There is this boy, that I met, shortly after I had arrived.
Not to say it was the first week, that I met him, but surely in the first month that I came to Lisbon.
If there is a love for me in Lisbon?
Some thoughts that have crossed my mind with me leaving.
I closed my eyes while I was reflecting on this and my third eye was showing me this boy.
That I met shortly after my arrival in Lisbon.
We were never really involved, because it was mainly just sex and some dirty talking.
Even when we saw each other outside of this, we never spoke, not even giving each other an eye.
I think it was just something sexual.
I don’t know how else to call it.
Perhaps just some intense attraction that made this happen.
But as I was resisting the contact, I have learned over the months, it is something we both can not control and has a purpose on it’s own.
After understanding this, I became softer in my realizations with him and just let things happen.
Because he was in and out of my life, many times.
And there is a lot of content on Instagram, that this kind of person is waisting your time.
But what if it is something that we both can’t do anything about?
Because I realized, that he always texted me when I was to getting my period, or just right after.
And even when I was involved with someone else, he sometimes texted me to see if I was still with this other guy.
Of course I understand this is just my side of the story.
However from a feminine perspective, it was just that my body was trying to say that whenever he was texting me, almost at the beginning of my period, it was the last time that month for me to get pregnant.
I am not saying that it is with him, but his appearance is very very masculine. Where my body is telling me, that this is a kind of partner my body wants to be reproducing with.
Cause eventually that is all what sex is about, initially.
With hopefully the right partner.
Not saying it is with him.
All of this I obviously never told him, but I did get really mad at him just once.
I didn’t yell, but my words were clear enough for him to understand.
That I am not like them other girls.
A road I followed, to understand what is my own identity.
But that is another story.
I have shed some tears about him, because there has been feelings.
Although I have never really opened up about it.
It was a disappointment I was facing, that he was treating me, like them other girls.
However I can not blame him, if that is a reference he is living in.
I am pretty sure, there was a girl that hurted him.
But what he did to me, treating me like them other girls, made me sad for sure.
Perhaps it is just this lesson with me leaving Lisbon, that I should not close off my feelings for him.
For the simple fact that I can not resist him.
I just like him.
Although, not the way how he is showing at the moment.
But perhaps the deeper meaning of this all, is that I just have to admit that I do like him.
I am not asking him to show his feelings or tell me that he likes me, because I could tell from a kiss when we once met.
But just to admit, that he likes me also.
If he does the same, it would be something equal.
But more important it could be the start of us together.