There is a phase I am going through at the moment.
I call it getting older.
My birthday is in a month and rapid movements are happening.
Mainly in my mind and emotions.
Also parts of my body that are finding relief.
I am sweating so much, feeling tired for no reason.
Want to sleep all day or I forget where I left my umbrella.
Of all things.
Needing to pee every hour and always thirsty for more water.
A natural cleanse or detox that my body is making.
To leave behind the old and make way for a new year.
It will all be great, I think.
The visions I am experiencing or the hurt I am feeling for the things I am passing.
Is just to make sure I keep on going.
Because I believe that getting older is not so much a step closer to death, but more to leave those death parts behind, for life to make a living.
One day I will die, for sure.
I know this sounds a bit weird.
But at the moment I don’t know how else to explain this.
However, to me it makes sense.
It is a balance of that we need to leave behind certain things, for something else to open.
I hope this is a better way of explaining it.
Even though I am saying this to myself.
It is just that I want to make this clear to myself.
As some sort of legacy.
When I read it back one day, I know what I have been through.
But also just in general.
To know how it is to experience ‘getting older’.
What I was feeling or what I was understanding.
Because it will never come back.
A standstill in time.
Not just for my dairy.
But for me in general.
I think this is also a part of love.
And thus this story remains.
For everyone that wants to read it.
Even though I write this to myself.
And I am still sort of figuring out what that is like.
Perhaps people will feel less alone.
Because I walked a path of life that hasn’t been explored.
I call it growing up outside of the western world.
No further opinion on what that really means.
I will have to write another story about that another time.
But I was thinking that it is not the first time that I feel these changes happening in myself.
The first time must have been when I was 17.
It wasn’t that I had my birthday coming.
I believe it was some day over summer.
Someone found a gray hair on my head.
I don’t know why this person saw this.
However it was noticed.
I didn’t know what to do with that remark that was made.
I remember I had laughed it off.
But I felt weird about it.
Later I found out it wasn’t much about the gray hair, or getting older.
But it was a sense of realization that I was there.
People noticed something about myself that I wasn’t aware of.
I found that the gray hair was a lack of pigment and I didn’t feel so bad anymore about it.
But it is so weird that gray hair is seen as something bad.
Almost something ugly.
Of course this is how I see it.
Although I am aware of haircuts nowadays where ‘promotion’ of gray hair is seen as something as a fashion item.
Sorry for the choice of words.
Just didn’t know how else to say this.
To me, I never felt the need to do something like that.
If I turn gray it is natural or because I need to be.
Perhaps even for a good reason.
I hope so, at least.
When I get there, I will know.
And I will tell you all about it.
But in general gray hair is still seen as something disgraceful.
In Western society.
Don’t really know if that is how to call it.
I just couldn’t come up with a better word.
However, it is making me sad.
I also saw this video of a woman explaining which makeup mistakes ‘we’ make that make us look older.
And indeed the way she explained it and how it was done, ‘properly’, it was without a doubt that makeup can make you look a certain way.
But the question that remained in my head.
Why do we want to look younger?
Where does that come from?
I don’t mind if people can see I look older. One day I will become just that.
So why not accept it already?
There is no hiding there.
Better to understand it just then, before I become aged and be left alone.
Or any reason related to that.
I mean, when I put on my makeup. I don’t really think about the techniques or how to do it properly.
I just put it on my face, for the sake of how I am feeling, that I am a woman or just because I feel like doing it.
I mean, even as a woman I couldn’t tell the difference of how makeup can make you older or younger.
Let alone a guy or a man.
And it doesn’t make me less of a woman because of that.
What I am trying to say.
Most men won’t know the difference either.
Not to say I put on my makeup for them.
But I believe they see mascara, some blush and lipstick.
Not too much of all of that, because I don’t want to attract someone with a weird fetish or addiction.
Just saying that it is about making the effort of taking care of yourself.
I keep saying it wrong.
Sorry about that.
Anyway, that looks much better than having the makeup a certain way.
Not even speaking about colors or how it has to be done properly.
But what it actually does, to do it this way.
It is making me smile, because I did my best.
And that was all I could do, at that moment of time.
Getting older is not so much a problem of finding a partner, because I look a certain way.
Or I have some gray hair or wrinkles.
And the funny thing is that I actually don’t have them a lot.
The contrary, for my age.
All these worries, for something I don’t really have that much.
But for some reason I am feeling this way.
I believe it is part of the Western society I am living in.
And by saying all this, this is my way out.
All these thoughts about my age and how we should behave.
I believe that is making you old and causing stress and disease.
Thoughts and feelings we shouldn’t have.
Because why should we?
In the first place.
I rather act the way I need to be, for myself.
To grow and become.
That is the love I am seeking.
And I believe is welcome and needed.
It is that I find my place in society, outside the western world.
Where I feel good about how I look and how I move.
Not afraid, anymore of the expectation that I need to be, or not.
As a matter of speech.
Because I think that this is much more attractive and will actually give me a chance of finding the right one.
Or the one that I love.
Maybe they are both the same person?
That could be a question indeed.
Where I can share my thoughts and feelings and this person is actually listening to me.
Caring about the situation, not just making me dinner for the sake of himself.
And that is something that actually happened to me.
Not afraid of expressing my needs, for no specific reason.
But when I ring the doorbell, it is opened with a smile.
Giving me a kiss on the cheek and I can feel the warmth of his hug.
Saying to me.
‘Good you here, I was waiting’.
Feels already like heaven to me.
The rest I will leave up to your imagination.
I am getting tired and want to take a nap.
And I want to reach that destination, before I forget how to get home.