A love overseas or is it just living ´la vie en rose´?
La vie en rose, ´A life in pink´ or meaning ´Seeing life through rose-coloured glasses´.
Which is self explanatory.
I am thinking.
Is to have a love overseas, something too romantic?
And if we want to have this kind of romance, shouldn´t it be within our reach?
I am speaking about some experience of my own.
If it ever was a commitment, I don’t really know.
There was attraction, I think.
He found me very attractive, is what he had once said to me.
I remember that moment still.
He had told me, sitting on a little wall.
We met somewhere close to the ocean and he had a preference for music.
I listened to it and watched it.
From my screen and even in reality.
He called me funny.
That is what he said.
We never kissed.
Not even something else.
Maybe he touched my hand.
And that is still a question.
We were in our twenties.
He had bought me a drink.
Coca Cola it was, ´with some ice´, is what I said.
Then we listened to some music.
He didn’t really like the beats.
Before I left and our paths separated.
He waited for me.
´Close to the fountain´, he had said.
He was already there when I arrived.
There he stood with something in a paper wrap.
I didn´t see it in the beginning, that he was holding this in his hand.
He was hiding it for me just a little bit.
´Because I was funny´, is what he said.
And he had given me the present.
While I was unwrapping and saw what it was, I felt weird and surprised at the same time.
A clown´s nose, is what it was.
But I am sure it wasn´t something he was mocking me about.
He really thought I was funny, because I had made him laugh.
That was his answer, to when I asked why he had given me that.
The nose was red.
It was hurting me just a little bit.
When I had put it in on my face.
I kept the nose for quite some time.
At least a few years.
But threw it away eventually.
It was a nice memory.
There this love overseas.
Although I have thrown this nose away.
I still wonder till this day.
Where did he buy that anyway?
Years later he wrote to me, after I had written him a message.
But I can’t remember anymore why I did that.
´Hi Lakshmi. Thank you for your surprising message. I hope you are fine and learning and enjoying life.
I think we didn´t have the chance to get to know each other, even when our intuition was talking about sharing without expectations, it´s hard to know. It would be awesome to live in the same place and have the opportunity to see what would happen. Anyway, you still are beautiful and attractive to me so I´d be happy to meet you again´.
I don´t think it would have a chance if we would be living in the same place.
That is at least, what I think.
I was just on holiday when we met and he was there working.
Our lifestyle’s were not matching.
And I never felt to give up my life to start living a life that he had shown me, he was living.
Or any other way, so to speak.
Although we only met for about 2 weeks, this is how I felt.
There was always some cloudy feeling that made me happy when I was with him.
Something I put my finger on from a life previous before this.
In that lifetime I did follow where he was going.
We got married and loved each other very deeply.
Something I had also told him and still feel when I think of him.
Apparently that love didn’t stop after our death in that lifetime.
For it to come back and make me realise something.
Us coming together was something that needed be set straight.
A different choice I am making this day.
Because I felt there was really something special between us.
Back then enough for me to give up everything and live his dream.
A life of laughter, but always surrounded focussing on his work.
Because that is what I had bound myself to, giving up my life.
Not bound to him.
Although we did get married.
A life lived according to his standards as we were pursuing his dream.
His dream he is still living.
Something I realized, years after that first meeting.
For the simple fact that he is living his dream.
Apparently he can do that without me, as he is still doing the same thing and me being with him, giving up my life didn’t make any difference.
It is where I am releasing him and hope he will be succesfull with what he is doing.
To say in a discrete way, that his dream was never mine.
A pain I am releasing.
And letting go a love that was dear to my heart.
It was something special we had.
But it wasn’t just that I had only met him in those 2 weeks I was on holiday.
We stayed in contact, without promising anything when I left him that day.
Just a silent agreement we both understood and felt comfortable with.
This kept on going for the following 10 years.
We had occasional contact.
Facebook, Facetime and Instagram.
And of course he had my number.
We did meet again in real life.
In case you were wondering.
However it was just one time that this happened.
It was again a holiday setting. In a country we both didn’t live in.
Again fun and cloudy as I remembered.
Full of feelings, that we never expressed.
A foundation I didn’t mind.
Perhaps even for good reasons, beyond my own findings.
He slept on the couch, as the house we stayed had only one bedroom.
‘You could sleep in the big bed’, is what he had told me.
His english was not always good.
He is speaking different languages.
We were watching and listening again to music.
Like the first time we met.
This time a different genre.
Something he had a deep interest in.
A dream that he was living.
But it was something I had said, about the music.
That made his mood change for some reason.
Words he said, pushing me to a place I didn’t want to be at.
It felt to me that something collapsed there.
He made me feel, like I didn’t know what I was talking about.
I was just expressing what it all meant to me.
Apparently there wasn’t any space for that with him.
Or perhaps he tried to control the situation in some way.
It made me feel low.
Breaking my self-esteem and even thinking I was foolish of saying that.
Making me doubt myself.
It wasn’t a foundation we could continue on.
A pain, that broke my heart.
Unable to be repaired.
I don’t know if it was something that came too close for him or he just didn’t know what to do and how to act.
Feelings he didn’t know how to express.
Something he realized we couldn’t give each other.
A mystery till this day.
All I know it was something in him that he needed to set free.
A love I felt for him that died because of what he had said.
There and then.
But he still wanted to walk me to the bus station.
A few days later.
When I was leaving.
It was awkward the least.
Tears I was hiding, but never showed.
He just left, without saying too much.
There was nothing else for me to do.
With the tears still in my eyes.
So that is what I did.
For me to continue living, finding a love that better suits me.
I can’t tell if it is something that has been growing on me since our paths parted ways.
However I already knew back then, sitting on that wall, where he told me he found me attractive.
That is wasn’t enough to grow a love that would last a lifetime.
For it to end.
And open a door for me to find living my own dream.
Maybe that is why I was writing him, because it was something subconscious in me lingering.
For me to understand just this.
Perhaps I needed to be open about this love overseas, instead of hiding it inside.
For me to release the pain it caused. And heal the wound still left as a mark on my heart.
To be able to find a love with the same lifestyle.
Living a life, pursuing our own dreams.
Giving eachother space to express what it is we are meaning.
Basically lifting each other up and be gentle with eachothers feelings.
It is just that I hope this kind of love exists.