A love overseas or living ´la vie en rose´?
La vie en rose, ´A life in pink´ or meaning ´Seeing life through rose-coloured glasses´.
Which is self explanatory.
I am thinking, is having a love overseas something too romantic?
If we want to have this kind of romance, shouldn´t it be within our reach?
I am speaking about some experience of my own.
If it ever was a commitment, I don’t really know.
There was attraction, I think.
Physical, perhaps.
He found me very attractive, he once told me.
I remember that moment still.
He had told me, sitting on a little wall.
We met somewhere close to the ocean, he had a preference for music.
I listened to it and watched it.
He called me funny, that is what he said.
We never kissed, not even something else.
Maybe he touched my hand and that is even a question.
We were in our twenties.
He had bought me a drink.
Coca Cola it was, “with some ice”, I said.
Then we listened to some music, he didn’t really like the beats.
Before I left and our paths separated, he waited for me.
“Close to the fountain”, he had said.
He was already there when I arrived.
There he stood with something in a paper wrap.
I didn´t see it in the beginning, he was holding it in his hand.
He was hiding it for me just a little.
“Because I was funny”, he said and gave me the present.
While I was unwrapping and saw what it was, I felt weird and surprised at the same time.
A clown´s nose it was.
I am sure it wasn´t something he was mocking me about.
He really thought I was funny, I had made him laugh.
When I asked him why he gave me this present.
The nose was red, it was hurting me a little, when I put it in on my face.
I kept the nose for quite some time, at least a few years.
Eventually I threw it away.
It was a nice memory, this love overseas.
Although I have thrown this nose away, I still wonder till this day.
Where did he buy it?
Years later he wrote to me, after I had written him a message.
However, I can’t remember anymore why I did that.
‘Hi Lakshmi. Thank you for your surprising message. I hope you are fine and learning and enjoying life.
I think we didn´t have the chance to get to know each other, even when our intuition was talking about sharing without expectations, it´s hard to know. It would be awesome to live in the same place and have the opportunity to see what would happen. Anyway, you still are beautiful and attractive to me so I´d be happy to meet you again’.
I think, it wouldn’t have a chance if we would be living in the same place.
I was just on holiday when we met and he was there working.
Our lifestyle’s weren’t matching.
I never felt to give up my life to start living a life he had shown me, he was living.
Although we only met for about 2 weeks, this is how I felt.
There was always some cloudy feeling what made me happy when I was with him.
Something I put my finger on from a life previous before this.
In that lifetime I did follow where he was going.
We got married and loved each other very deeply.
Something I also told him and still feel when I think of him.
Apparently this love didn’t stop after our death that lifetime.
For it to come back and make me realise something.
Us coming together was something was needed, to set something straight.
A different choice I am making this day.
I felt there was really something special between us, back then enough for me to give up everything and live his dream.
A life of laughter, but always surrounded focussing on his work.
Something I had bound myself to, giving up my life.
I wasn’t necesarrily bound to him, although we did get married.
A life lived according to his standards as we were pursuing his dream.
His dream, he is still living.
Something I realized, years after we first met.
For the simple fact he is still living his dream.
Apparently he can do it without me, as he is still doing the same thing.
It is where I am releasing him and hope he will be succesfull with what he is doing.
To say in a discrete way, his dream was never mine.
A pain I am releasing and letting go a love, dear to my heart.
It was something special we had.
After those 2 weeks, we stayed in contact, without promising anything when I left him that day.
A silent agreement we both understood and felt comfortable with.
This kept on going for the following 10 years, we had occasional contact.
We did meet again in real life, in case you were wondering.
However it was just one time this happened.
It was again a holiday setting, a country we both didn’t live in.
Fun and cloudy as I remembered.
Full of feelings, we never expressed.
A foundation I didn’t mind.
Perhaps even for good reasons, beyond my own findings.
We were watching and listening again to music, like the first time we met.
This time a different genre.
Something he had a deep interest in.
A dream he was living.
His mood changed for some reason, it was something I had said, about the music.
Words he said, pushing me to a place I didn’t want to be at.
It felt to me something collapsed there.
He made me feel, I didn’t know what I was talking about.
I was just expressing what it all meant to me.
Apparently there wasn’t any space for that with him.
Or perhaps he tried to control the situation in some way.
It made me feel low.
Breaking my self-esteem and even thinking I was foolish.
Making me doubt myself.
A pain, that broke my heart.
Unable to be repaired.
A foundation we couldn’t continue on.
I don’t know if it was something coming too close for him, or he just didn’t know what to do and how to act.
Feelings he didn’t know how to express.
A mystery till this day.
All I know he needed to set himself free.
A love I felt for him, died because of what he had said.
There and then.
He still wanted to walk me to the bus station, a few days later, when I was leaving.
It was awkward the least.
Tears I was hiding, but never showed.
He just left, without saying too much.
There was nothing else for me to do, with the tears still in my eyes.
So, that is what I did.
For me to continue living, finding a love suiting me better.
I can’t tell if it has been growing on me since our paths parted ways.
However I already knew back then, sitting on that wall, where he told me he found me attractive.
It wasn’t enough to grow a love lasting another lifetime.
Opening a door for me to find living my own dream.
Maybe this is why I was writing him, it was something subconscious in me lingering.
For me to understand just this.
Perhaps I needed to be open about this love overseas, instead of hiding it inside.
For me to release the pain it caused and heal the wound left as a mark on my heart.
To be able to find a love with the same lifestyle.
Living a life, pursuing our own dreams.
Giving eachother space to express what it is we are meaning.
Basically lifting each other up and be gentle with eachothers feelings.
I hope this kind of love exists and not just ‘la vie en rose’.