Something needs to get off my chest and I don’t really know why.
I believe it is concerning a boy, because what else.
It is weird that the story between me and him continues.
After all the things I wrote down and made clear.
Even if it was just for myself.
I had tried to cut those ties with him several times already.
It wasn’t necessarily a break up, since we never have been together.
Nothing even close to what you can call it.
We never kissed or touched, however intimate it was.
That story his eyes were telling, what he wanted to do with me.
I can’t say I didn’t go there myself, it crossed my mind several times.
I thought about it after dark, laid with my eyes wide open alone in my bed, thinking about what this was.
The connection between me and him is saying so much.
Perhaps just the connection I have with myself.
I am just that sensitive with a soft heart and a wild fire inside of me.
Where I am getting lost somehow, since you are showing up in my mind, again.
Nothing wild or anything I could explain.
And so I am sitting here.
Waiting for my laundry to be finished.
Writing another story, to keep the beating of my heart going.
Keeping that connection with myself, to not get lost in that image of your eyes.
This is where I believe I don’t think anything will ever happen between us.
I am not expressing any sadness, just a reality I am living.
Something I am working on, to keep my feet on the ground.
To not get lost in the desires I have.
I don’t know what the end of it is, with him and me.
However my own journey continues after I leave this place.
There is no certainty I will come back.
Although I have thought about it, I just don’t know what it would look like.
Somewhere out there my life is waiting for me.
What I am excited for, I believe he is just a part of that road.
Of answers and epiphanies.
It isn’t a hurtle or a bear in the way, he doesn’t feel dangerous to me.
However at any given moment it could turn out to be just that.
Perhaps something I already entertained in a life once lived.
For me to take a different turn today.
Because whatever my love journey holds and says about me.
I am not a fool, not easily lured into something I don’t know.
I’d rather keep that distance to keep my heart safe, then to follow words leading to what eyes want to do.
And gosh, I want that to happen.
But as I can only follow the beat of my own drum, I might cry about it someday.
Releasing that burden, how it feels to me.
I am thinking about the things he wants to do with me.
As much as I like to do that too, it just doesn’t come from the right point of view.
I just can’t for the sake of myself.
My heart is just strong, waiting to be loved.
Sad I feel about it, honestly.
The burden I am releasing, with the tears I will be shedding.
But whatever is in store will happen one day.
However, I doubt it will be with him.
I think it just says something about me, although it was his eyes telling me that story.
A wild night on a rainy day.
I guess I just have to see if that day will come.
Because what wants to show, won’t stay hidden.
The epiphany I just have to live with, I guess.
Or just the way to go, for me to continue on this road of love.
It is all incredible, I have to say.
The feelings I am feeling and everything else it has done to me.
I developed this part of myself with this encounter, to keep in control.
Although I am so emotional about it, in any kind of way.
The passion, the fire.
The desire and just the acceptance of this burden.
However, I believe you would be too.
If you could see what I see, feel how I feel.
Experience what is truly happening.
The core it is hitting, is love doesn’t only have to come from the right point of view.
This encounter I had with him explains we can grow as a person by not just following any river.
Rather to cry one and keep it close to our own.
Walking that path where we can see in the dark, rather than taking that leap, without understanding.
It is this sadness that could turn into something positive.
Where this death of what is not able to live, would find its place outside of myself.
For me to be open for this kind of love to happen one day, with the disclaimer it is with him.
A process of growth it has shown me.
Where there is a wild side living in me, I am able to tame.
Emotions showing, where I am able to control.
Releasing any kind of burden that is connected with it.
But most of all where I found a place that was safe for expressing everything I couldn’t let you know.
I can only wish for you to read it one day, assuming this is something you can do.