The boy who always wants to attend meetings, because he feels lonely.
Something he told me, when I said I write love stories.
Nothing much to see or find when I read that word, loneliness.
It feels almost empty when you look at it.
Nothing special, yet we know it is something.
It has something, perhaps a better way to put it.
As far as I know what it can hold, or can be.
Lonely I have been, mostly not because of myself.
Loneliness doesn’t happen like that, it is something we can become.
A house we live in, the touch of our skin.
The music we listen to, the food we eat.
Loneliness is an empty word, yet it hides in the openness of what we know.
We look at it and pass it by.
Like a stranger, we never see again.
Sadly, this is not a love story as we know.
At least a romantic one.
For some reason loneliness is difficult for us to track down.
However, it is close to its ‘cousin’ depression, they come from the same family.
It seems to be easier to talk about depression than loneliness.
Something we don’t want to be, but it can reside in your house, without you thinking of it.
I don’t want to make you feel scared, just want to share some of my own experiences.
Where I didn’t know I felt lonely.
I wondered how loneliness had found its way in.
That door was never open, in the first place.
I always lock it and it has been winter.
I mean, also my window was closed during this time.
There really wasn’t any opportunity.
I guess, loneliness finds its way through another entrance.
Nothing much for me to further say, since loneliness left my house.
I told him to.
Not exactly in those words, because loneliness is a smart kid.
I said : “You can stay if you want, but I am going to do whatever I feel like doing”.
“Watch a bit TV, saw there was a new show on Netflix”.
“You can sit in my chair or lay in my bed”.
“Even lay next to me, but don’t take the whole bed, please”.
“I don’t want to wake you up when I come home after I went out and had a couple of drinks”.
“Unless you like it when I turn on the light and make noise when brushing my teeth before I fall asleep”.
“But you know, I don’t drink every night, mostly on the weekend”.
“I like to drink a glass of wine”.
“White or red is fine by me”.
“On a really hot summers day I drink rose with some ice”.
“Sometimes when I come home I listen to music with my headset on”.
“Then I dance a little bit in my room, because I am just not yet tired enough to fall sleep”.
“I have seen your cousin depression also when I dance in my room, coming home after some drinks”.
“He doesn’t really like to dance”.
But perhaps he just doesn’t like to dance with me.
It could be.
Something my French lover once said, it stayed with me ever since.
Don’t know why he is invading my story like this.
Maybe he felt lonely after we broke up, who knows.
I don’t care.
“I don’t miss you, in case you thought that”.
Out of nothing I heard the door, someone was leaving the house.
I listened a bit more and heard footsteps going down the stairs.
Loneliness had left my house.
You know, why I knew it was him.
He just leaves without saying anything.
Not a goodbye, not even a note.
Saying he is going to buy cigarettes, or so.
Even that is too heavy for his heart.
Like he never existed, well perhaps that is true.
I mean, I am just Lakshmi.
I live in my own world and don’t bother other people.
Listening to what they have to say and saying goodbye to them.
Because when your heart is full, you want to meet someone again.
However, loneliness doesn’t care, he comes and goes whenever he feels like.
He doesn’t take out the trash, leaves his cigarettes in the ashtray.
Complaints about the dishes and people only care for themselves.
I get it, loneliness wants all the attention.
A lonely life for loneliness.
But yeah, I am thinking about that boy who always wants to attend meetings because he feels lonely.
Is there some advice I should give him, what to do when loneliness hits his door?
When loneliness is there without saying anything.
Staring at you, like an Indian.
Sorry for this stereotype, I couldn’t come up with something else, it wasn’t my intention.
If I were him, I would just start to laugh really loud.
Like I just heard a bad joke or something.
The thing I just said about the Indian, comes close to it.
Even, when I am saying it myself.
Although it wasn’t really a joke, haha.
I mean loneliness is there, when there is nobody around.
There is freedom to do that.
Laughing out loud, having a good time.
Something loneliness also doesn’t really like.
It is always there when you are occupied, so you wouldn’t know he is there.
He is just a sneaky little bastard.
Yes, he is.
If he was big, we would see him better.
He is always somewhere underneath your desk or so.
When you hit your knee to your table.
He is just a motherfucker.
Excuse my language.
I was just expressing that feeling, when that happens.
You may laugh if you want to.
Maybe you forgot laughing is an option.
You can also cry if that suits you better.
I mean, hurting the knee can bring some tears to your eyes, I get it.
It takes some energy, but it makes you feel good.
At least from the inside.
With a little luck, you forgot there was a meeting.
Tada!
Well, isn’t that something.
I guess, the problem is solved then.