It is something I am feeling.
Not so much in my emotions or something emotional.
Just something that you know from the inside.
A sense of feeling is the best way to describe it.
I think you know what that means.
However this time I am feeling this, everything is a bit different than I thought.
Or how it felt.
Sometimes I go to places in myself that I don’t even know.
I am not afraid to go there, even when I don’t even know.
This is how comfortable I am, with myself.
I looked up from behind my laptop and saw the sun shining through the window.
Perhaps another expression of how I am feeling or just a reflection of who I am.
That thought makes me smile.
I think it is a place close to my heart.
However happiness is not always a choice.
I am happy I am on the way to that destination.
Wherever that truly is.
When it comes to my identity, who I am.
I find it hard to express.
Not just a simple life’s purpose to make that complete.
For myself.
Sorry for being phyllisophical here.
It is just scary to open up about who I am.
The expectations from others can make deep cuts through the heart.
My heart is just gentle and kind.
Some even say it is soft and feels like home.
A place that I would like to keep.
To continue beating, to the rhythm of my life.
My heart has already been broken so many times.
Not a complaint, nor to say I am tired.
But I believe that the journey of happiness, perhaps even of love can have different turns.
A road with signs.
However we can also go off road.
I don’t know if that is the way to go.
I am alone on this path and therefore I am free to go wherever I want.
Whatever my heart feels like to explore.
I hope it is full of love and kindness.
But not more than I can take.
Too much love can kill you, once a song I heard.
Or just the queen I am becoming.
But when I think of it, what I wanted to say.
I believe I am a princess, deep down at the bottom of my heart.
Something I already know for some time.
I think it is about 8 years now.
But how do you make the world known, without people thinking you are some lunitic or just crazy?
Writing this down, makes these fears go away.
Always knowing what to say and act according to the rules I have created myself.
Not getting into my head or letting myself manipulate.
In any kind of way.
Because love can not be that.
With saying that, it is the feeling I have.
I think for about a month or so.
Not so long at least.
Where I feel my next lover is the one that gets his heart broken.
For once it isn’t me.
I am relieved in a way, but also feeling sad at the same time.
Relieved it isn’t me this time.
Sad that someone is getting hurt somehow.
I do wonder about that.
Why does someone needs to get hurt?
When it comes to love.
I know that is a place I can not go.
Perhaps not even a question I should ask.
I need to let this story unfold by itself.
Even if that is just one for myself or in my imagination.
I mean, nothing is happening there in that department with me.
Nobody in my life, or someone I think of that could be that kind of person.
It could be for someone to read and recognize themselves in this situation.
So many angles for this.
Is that perhaps just a perception that has been created?
In our minds, due to the past or circumstances?
That this is how it came this far?
That it has become a belief in ourselves?
I think it is a genuine question to ask.
Without going into deep.
Of course it can still happen hearts break because of a love situation.
However, it shouldn’t be a base to start from, I guess.
I think I need to write it down like this, to prevent anything to happen that shouldn’t.
The right foundation to start from, for my next lover to come in.
Removing a block of love.
Because this is now how we should get together.
With the understanding that hearts don’t break as a standard.
By removing this kind of belief, it could open up, that his heart actually will break.
The question remains if that is with me, or something else.
I am saying this because of my own experience, I had one day.
My heart has been broken many times and not always due to a lover or because of a relationship.
It wasn’t the best experience, I have to say.
I don’t wish for him the same to happen.
Just that I know hearts can break outside love situations.
Most of the time this happens when people cross a line or go to places where they shouldn’t.
When they don’t understand their own energy, purpose or keep on following something that is toxic.
It could be that is just what they are.
Their essence.
I mean, you have these kinds of people who do things for reasons just for the sake of themselves, not having any perspective for others.
You know what kind of people I am talking about.
There is a story I wrote about an underwater princess, where she is using her voice to scare away fighters who want to get hold of her preciousness.
Something I am also able to do.
Mostly I just yell.
Coming from the top of my lungs.
I am laughing while I write this, but it is not always funny when that happens.
Sometimes it is even hurting a little bit.
What I try to say is I know how to project my heart.
Even if that means someone is getting hurt for it, then that is how it is going to be.
This is not bound just to lovers, but a general message.
You can take it, if you want it.
Protecting your own heart.
I am just a princess, trying to protect my kind of people.
Nothing is going to stand in my way, for what I need to be doing.
Of course it has its boundaries.
It just means nobody can take away from me what belongs to me.
Make me go to places, where I shouldn’t go.
Making me believe something that is not with the highest intention coming from a healthy heart.
Because you know.
I am coming from a place where fairytales don’t exist.
Where people are following their own.
Because nobody is telling them otherwise.
They are just living their lives.
This is where I learned it doesn’t matter where you are coming from or which background you have.
Education, upbringing or even the people you have once met.
Nature is stronger than everything else.
What needs to live, will do just that.
It will always find its way.
A long journey to come to that place, perhaps even just one in myself.
Who knows.
With saying that.
One day I will be a queen and long shall I live.