There is a phase I am going through, I call it getting older.
My birthday is in a month and rapid movements are happening.
Mainly in my mind and emotions, also parts of my body are finding relief.
I am sweating so much, feeling tired for no reason.
Wanting to sleep all day or I forget where I left my umbrella.
Needing to pee every hour, always thirsty for more water.
A natural cleanse or detox my body is making.
To leave behind the old and make way for a new year.
It will all be great, I think.
The visions I am experiencing or the hurt I am feeling for the things I am passing.
To make sure I keep on going.
I believe getting older is more than a step closer to death.
To leave those death parts behind, for life to make a living.
One day I will die for sure.
I know this sounds a bit weird.
However, at the moment, I don’t know how else to explain this.
It is a balance of leaving behind certain things, for something else to open.
I hope this is a better way of explaining it.
Even though I am saying this to myself.
I want to make this clear to myself, as some sort of legacy.
When I read it back one day, I know what I have been through.
To know how it is to experience ‘getting older’, what I was feeling or what I was understanding.
As a standstill in time.
No further opinion on what that really means.
I was thinking about the first time I felt these changes happening in myself.
I was 17 years old, I believe it was some day over summer.
Someone found a gray hair on my head.
I don’t know why this person saw this, however it was noticed.
I didn’t know what to do with the remark.
I remember I had laughed it off, I felt weird.
Later I found out it wasn’t much about the gray hair, or getting older.
It was a sense of realization of myself.
People noticed something about me where I wasn’t aware.
I didn’t feel so bad anymore about it.
In general, in western society, gray hair is still seen as something old.
Don’t really know if that is how to call it.
I just couldn’t come up with a better word.
However, it is making me sad.
I saw this video of a woman explaining which makeup mistakes ‘we’ make, making us look older.
Indeed the way she explained and how to do this ‘properly’.
Without a doubt makeup can make you look a certain way.
Questions remained in my head after watching this video.
‘Why do we want to look younger?’
‘Where does that come from?’
I don’t mind if people can see I look older, one day I will become just that.
Why not accept it already?
There is no hiding there.
Better to understand it now, before I become aged.
When I put on my makeup, I don’t really think about the techniques or how to do it properly.
I just put it on my face, for the sake of how I am feeling.
I mean, even as a woman I couldn’t tell the difference, how makeup can make you older or younger.
It doesn’t make me less of a woman.
What I am trying to say, most men won’t know the difference either.
I believe they see mascara, some blush and lipstick.
If at all this is something they notice.
However, I could be wrong of course.
For me, it is about making the effort of taking care of yourself.
It is making me smile, because I did my best.
All I could do, at that moment of time.
Getting older has nothing to do with the way I look, or having some gray hair or wrinkles.
The funny part is, I actually don’t have them a lot.
The contrary, for my age.
All these worries, for something I don’t really have much.
However, for some reason I am feeling this way.
I believe it is part of the western society I am living in.
All these thoughts about my age and how we should behave.
I believe is making you old and causing stress and disease.
I’d rather act the way for myself.
Where I feel good about how I look and how I move.
Not afraid of the expectation I need to be.
I think this is much more attractive.
It will actually give me a chance of finding the right one, or the one I love.
Maybe they are both the same person?
A question indeed.
Where I can share my thoughts and this person is actually listening to me.
Caring about the situation, not just making me dinner for the sake of himself.
Where I am able to expressing my needs, for no specific reason.
When I ring the doorbell, it is opened with a smile.
Giving me a kiss on the cheek and I can feel the warmth of his hug.
“Good you’re here, I was waiting for you”, the words he will say to me.
The rest I will leave up to your imagination.
I am getting tired and will take a nap.
To make sure, to reach that destination, before I forget how to get home.