I think I have come to a point where I want to take a turn.
For me to write down what this means or just to make it clear.
I guess mainly for myself, since this is what I am experiencing.
It must be the last guy I crossed paths with when I told him, this is not what I am looking for and I don’t think you can help me with what I have in mind.
It wasn’t that painful to let this behind, however it made me think.
Relieved, was not the right word and the reply to what he said, didn’t hurt my feelings.
Although there was one sentence that I woke up with and stayed with me ever since.
He said as a response that he felt I was not the person that was good to his behaviour.
Which I thought was something odd to say.
It felt heavy to me.
It gave me a bad taste in my mouth and I didn’t quite understand what he wanted to say.
It made me look like I was someone that was trying to make him do bad things.
Like he was a saint. Which from this reply didn’t even seem close to that.
Also from other things he had told me.
The only thing I can come up with, why he would say something like it, is to make me feel less than I am. To make sure he is keeping up with what he is trying to do.
What that is, I think is also a question for him.
In any way, it felt to me edged.
Why would you say something like that?
How can you even make such a suggestion?
Are you that dumb?
I mean, nothing ever happened between us.
We went on just one blind date.
It had nothing to do with my message whatsoever. I just made it clear I had a different view on something I was looking for and the way his life is organized, how he is living it, didn’t make him suitable for my own search.
We had agreed to meet up for a coffee, where he could show me some places in the city.
Something I had expressed is the path I am on.
My exact words were, “Your life is busy, which is all normal, however it feels I need to wait for you while I just like to get to know the city”. “Understanding what it has to offer”.
I said: “I don’t think that is what I need in my life, perhaps even what I want”.
You know, perhaps it was a warning sign. A red flag so to say.
If someone can’t even distinguish right from wrong, that is something quite important to know.
I am happy he said it this way, so I could prevent it from cutting it too deep.
Also, if you are trying to get after me, in any kind of way. I will make sure it will balance out.
Writing this story, to get it off my chest is a very polite way to do so.
I don’t know if it breaks my heart, more just it made me realize I need to find someone that is suitable.
What that is, I still need my time to figure it out.
I guess that is the real journey I am on.
Finding someone that has his priorities straight.
Showing he is capable of standing the test of being a real man, not letting things go to his head.
He doesn’t have to make him more important than he looks and most of all, he knows to be vulnerable when it is the right thing to do.
In other words, he knows what to say.
I guess that is already quite a lot and I hope this makes him suitable to be with me, because honestly I don’t know.