I had the strangest dream last night.
Was it all in my head?
Were you here in my bed?
I had the strangest dream, about what it all meant.
I don’t know what to do and at the same time I feel at ease.
I have felt out of whack while nothing was happening.
I guess I will blame it on my hormones, because it is just that easy.
Where I think it has something to do with me, instead of you.
I am saying it has a different cause.
Baby fever.
Waking up in the middle of the night, I look at the clock.
Something I taught myself to do, to understand where I am.
Then I am feeling the sweat all over my body, it is hot and cold at the same time.
I can’t help but wonder, why are you not there?
Thinking I can sleep a bit longer and then I realize it isn’t a fever.
I will blame this one on you. That is just easier.
Since you are not here.
My mind thinks about you, not so much about what I want to do.
I believe it is more what you want to do with me.
However, that doesn’t make this go away.
‘Fuck, my life’, I tell myself and with any luck I fall asleep again.
Which also happens.
I know, because I always wake up much later.
Then I cry, just a little, because I realize I still want to have a baby.
If that is with you, is the question.
I get angry when I think about it.
Where I know, I just have to go through this process myself.
I hoped you were going to appear in my dream last night, but all that happened was I woke up with sweat going down my legs.
I don’t know if it was standing for something, but fun is another word.
The fever I am experiencing always appears in the night, sometimes in the morning, when nobody is around and it has the will to do what it wants.
Perhaps if you were there, the sweat I am feeling every single night, could have a different cause.
I mean, that is self explanatory or just wishful thinking.
We all know that is never going to happen.
I see when I look in your eyes.
The desire, the wanting, the attraction.
The problem is, I want to have a baby.
If I have sex with you that might happen just over night.
Would you be willing to be the father of my child? And are you the father my child is wanting?
I think this is just going over my head.
All those questions I walk around with and happen inside of me, while I give you a smile and tell you I can’t stay because I have to go somewhere.
I don’t think it is a dare, but something more serious.
I just can’t be with you, for the sake of something simple.
Although I do want that to happen and I know you like me.
However, that is not how I can build something, better to say rely on.
Where it also means a form of responsibility and I just keep it light with you.
It releases the sadness, because that is how I feel and nothing prevents it from happening.
You know, I still don’t know if I will have a baby.
Because it has something to do with me and if this baby fever helps me to get there.
Honestly, I wouldn’t mind.
I’d rather suffer a little while, instead of being miserable for the rest of my life.