I don’t know if I am sad, although this is how I feel.
Tears coming from my eyes, when I type these words.
I can’t tell if I am that sensitive or just letting go of something I thought was happening.
I guess it is ok to cry, when something is ending where we hoped for perhaps something different.
I was firm when I told him we shouldn’t meet anymore, although I said the words with hesitation.
It felt more something needed to be done.
It was the way things were unfolding, where I was waiting to hear something from him.
Making me doubt myself, creating negative selftalk. Feeling insecure about my femininity.
Of course, it could have been my expectation when meeting someone.
Sometimes the messages he sent me were fast, I could feel he was interested the least.
I just couldn’t get hold of it, if it was something he told himself to do or just how he had been doing these things all along.
Getting to know someone can be difficult, I guess.
I was laying awake at night.
Staring at the blank page before me.
The words seemed to be missing and that is where I wrote him, perhaps we shouldn’t be meeting anymore.
Firm, with full of hesitation. However, there was no insecurity.
It was something I woke up to and made that decision, my life needs a certain attention.
Where it keeps my light shining, something I am telling.
Besides that, he didn’t offer me anything.
I was putting in all this time, not even speaking about energy and I just didn’t know what I was getting.
I guess there was no base to start from.
Compliments I received, some good advice and honestly there was something.
I felt attracted to him and that is no wonder.
Handsome he is, mature and a good person.
Perhaps this is also why I feel so sad about it.
But where the absence of certainty was making me feel less than myself.
I don’t think this is how I should feel when it comes to a relationship.
I can’t say what it should be otherwise, or some advice to tell myself.
Of course there is more to the situation, what I also told him and he agreed with me.
Where he went on holiday the day after and he didn’t have to take me on board with him.
As the days went by and all of this kept repeating in the background I had to face some illness, where I am recovering from slowly.
I believe the word to describe this situation is sadness and conclude the thing that went on.
For the both of us separately.
I guess the tears I am shedding stand for more than the sadness I am feeling. Where it is making me resistant to a love without a base and I believe it shows the difference between us.
Where I am the relationship type and need to be with someone from that same standard.
Although he had those three features, handsome, mature and a good person.
It didn’t make him relationship material.
While I write this down, I am silent.
I can’t help but wonder, what that actually means.
Anyway, it was the look of those guys, who were checking me out. And I was feeling sad about it.
What if this was going to end with this person?
I am relieved I will have some more love encounters before starting something serious.
Where I can’t tell if I would be ever meeting him again, even just to say hi.
A coffee to see how he is doing, to hear some things he is going through at the moment.
I wouldn’t mind honestly, I just don’t know if it would be beneficial in any way.
So, I guess absence and refraining from it would be the best solution.
Which just shows I am taking this as seriously as possible and I am an adult to this situation.
It might lay ground for a way to reconcile in our way that could lead us to where we both would like to end up.
Perhaps even in bed.
Where this all started.